I’ve been denied access to my happy place lately. In my head. Like there’s some wet blanket over my fire or something, so now it’s just a steam smoke I can’t smell and it’s sort of hazy and I can’t see very far.
That’s what uncertainty does I think. I am ill equipped to deal with these emotions but they come and go like all things do.
There’s no reason for me to feel this way, really. I’ve got so much going for me and I am a healthy somewhat beautiful man with a beautiful family and a lot of people around me who I care about.
It’s a funny thing that: due to some chemical imbalance or bad thought getting stuck in the brain it can cause a discord in the system, but then the trick is to do with it what some mollusks do with grains of sand similarly stuck in them: a pearl.
That’s what great artists do, I think: take the bad thoughts and make of them a pearl.
Speaking of which, I really like Perl. It’s a quite potent scripting language I really think it’s cool and portable. And it can be esoteric and really hard to read but also very readable, it’s up to you. You are the king when you write Perl code.
But I’m gonna take the step and learn C#. It’s on my bucket list. Think it’s the only thing on there.
Hello buenivie welcome! Did you like that cabaret musical? With the France in the twenties and what a special time and place and then the nazis came.
I saw that one on VHS with two of my sisters friends who I liked a lot when we were watching my grandmothers goats and chicken etc. For some reason it feels very important to point out that we had potato chips with dill flavour. I cannot explain why it matters, but it does.
I put this memory here so I don’t forget because for some reason this memory has a special meaning to me and is a reminder of times which can never come back.
It feels good to be alive. Blood pumping round the system and I don’t even know my blood type. I don’t need to know my blood type unless I need an emergency top up and the paramedics don’t have my journal or time to run a blood test. Maybe I ought to find out what type I have. Just in case. I’m pretty sure it’s not C#.
Point is I don’t need to know how all of them organs work for them to do so, and that’s pretty awesome.
I barely know how anything works really.
It may be enough that I know enough to (for the most times) pull my weight within the very limited scope which is my life. Then through some miracle of Organization other people do the same and together we are societies on different levels, working much the same as the cells and organs in a human body does.
There could be others. Maybe we reincarnate and maybe we don’t. Maybe there is a heaven and a hell, and/or a Valhalla and a Hel, or whatever, or maybe there’s this one short life followed by eternal death; we don’t know.
All facts known to us is that we’ve been gifted this one life, and we have to live with it; Deal with our mistakes and take the consequences of our actions, because there is no undo button in this life. (We have to manually try to make things right).
Every decision we do make shuts the doors to other possibilities which might never open again, and we cannot move back, only forward.
There’s also a very real risk we could be struck dead by lightning or some internal organ failure, or succumb to some freak accident or whatever, because life is brittle. It can be taken away from us any time.
Life is short and brittle but death is possibly eternal.
Remember that people tend to regret the things they didn’t do rather than the mistakes they’ve made (this I’ve read on the Internet) and that’s the true meaning of YOLO, Carpe Diem and memento mori is just that (this is my understanding anyhow. I am of about average intellect so you might want to do your own research and teach your own conclusions about this).
Looking at all of these facts, it makes me really want to go give C# a shot. Finally. It does seem to have many nifty features and the syntax looks really neat, and it’s general purpose and runs on my Ubuntu box, but I’ve just never gotten around to it.
I’ve got some freak allergic fit today and it knocked me out but I rise as I always do. Been trying to help some of my friends who got fired last week cause well I wanna help them out cause they are my friends and basically I’ve been trying to see if I could help them find new jobs or whatever, and I’ve been trying to find a new job for my own self too, cause I think they were bludgeoned with the ham fist out into the cold, uncertain times, (bleak), and while the axe forgets, the tree doesn’t, and the trees friends neither.
And indeed indeed we do have a turkey inside. A turkey feeling blue is in a temporary hospital ward inside.
Hello everybody been out job hunting these past few days.
It’s been a bit barren, but I’ve got a powerful spade and have maybe found some few promising wells.
Well it’s a bit exhausting it is, but as is the case for most things worth having; you have to fight for them.
And telling people about yourself and how you work in a team and whether you speak English is basically like going to a shrink you don’t have to pay for, so there’s always that. However all of these situations involves disappointing someone which I don’t like very much.
It’s this yin yang which gets to me, also the stress of selecting right input device when joining teams meetings, it’s defaulting to the mysterious Default device which is some sort of nonexistent void device which I blame on Ubuntu but some people might say to do something in udev to do something with pulseaudio or some other system-setting or some sound setting I haven’t found and which might fall out during next system update but anyhow yes yes I will look into that…
More of this will come clear next week or the one after next.
Ok we weren’t a family after all. We got the situation thoughtfully explained to us the other day; a family is where you do things and do not expect anything in return, whereas in a business we expect economic compensation.
These layoffs were just business. (We were never a family after all)
We tried to clarify that a) we weren’t the ones using the term family to describe the company relationship, they were(!!), and b) we did understand that when they used the term it was figuratively speaking. Unfortunately we didn’t get the message across.
There’s also no plans to fire me in foreseeable future they said. I asked.
So I would describe these discussions and meetings as some of the strangest ones I’ve ever had and I have created some excellent memories.
There is more to write about all this but I’ll let it stew in my head first.
They ain’t gonna fire me in the foreseeable future they said.
There will be some more interesting stuff written about this soon but right now it’s all too fresh in my head; I’ve barely slept for three days.
These days were absurd in an absurd sort of way which if I put in my (forthcoming) best seller book some of the meetings I had would probably seem too incredible, like some Dilbert shit.
Think its been a very bleak week with sort of a post apocalyptic vibe to it or something. Will sort through the thoughts.
Tomorrow I’m going down to work office. They’ve laid a big number of people off yet again. I remember explicitly them saying they’d never do fire anyone cause we’re all one big family, they said, but that turned out to be not accurate, or like sure; some families are awful, like that Fritzl guy, and Cinderellas family wasn’t so nice either, or that mother with munchausen by proxy type family. Sure; people aren’t fired exact, more like they get severance packages, so then: True to the letter, but not in spirit.
Like Aes Sedai.
Tomorrow I’m going down there to see if I too am gonna get fired, like a lamb to the slaughter, but then fired out not fired, I’ll go see Architects.
I know job market is tough right now, yet I feel serene about the whole thing, I don’t know if I care. Like that Stubb guy in Moby Dick said:
I know not all that may be coming, but be it what it will, I'll go to it laughing