The happy place

Hello again, it’s me!

I’m on the train again. A slightly older one without AC, but which has wooden panelling and blue seats.

I’m hearing the wind through the window which is slightly opened.

I am happy with a bit of melancholy mingled into it, bittersweet.

I don’t want to poke into this state of mind right now. Let’s just say that it’s a sore and it itches, but let’s not pick this scab right now, it’ll just make things worse. I think.

Sometimes strong ruthless introspection is the key to progress.

Sometimes it’s best to leave it be.

And that’s that; don’t force conclusions; life is a marathon.

I’m not hungover today, but I didn’t sleep until four, hearing the rain smattering on the roof and I was right by the ceiling

Picturing I was in a tent,

Then thinking about all the blood pumping through my body.

Five litres of blood.

Thinking that I likely have gotten rosacea on my nose through DNA

Thinking that it would help with some cortisone

Thinking that it’ll solve itself once I get back into my regular fitness routine.

All things considered: having these random pointless thoughts and being uncomfortable in a cozy type of way.

I guess that reflects my inner state of mind right now too: The rain on the ceiling.

Yes.

And now I’m going home.

I have been drinking so much coffee today that my urine looks a little bit like coffee too.

That’s why it’s half past two, but I’m still awake at my friend’s place at the loft, near the ceiling.

It used to be a bright and warm day with a big sun followed by a big almost full moon and a pleasant summer evening, but now I hear the sound of rain.

He got married today, technically it was yesterday. And it was a merry and touching event, now existing only as a memory with I will take with me to my grave. I think.

The day before the day before that one, in the evening, upon my arrival, we sat on his veranda drinking beers until it got dark, sharing a bottle of Jägermeister. It made me very drunk. I didn’t expect we’d drink the whole bottle, but we did.

Talking of this and that, smoking a pipe like two sailors.

Drinking Jägermeister.

And that night I slept like a stone

I have been feeling many emotions these days

But right now, I don’t feel anything in particular.

on my last garden party, there was a strong powerful wave of contentment stemming from seeing my friends and neighbours getting along, while I sit parked in the folding chair with one beer resting in each armrest.

I compare myself to a dog then, and I mean it in the best sense of the world.

Having a sense of belonging

Seeing people having a great time without I having to intervene

Like a fat lazy dog basking in the warmth of a budding friendship.

and I spoke to my friend exactly 666 miles from my folding chair; he’d been out with some 100 colleges of the fire brigade to extinguish a fire believed to have been caused by a faulty washing machine; some poor family’s house turned to ashen rubble overnight.

And it blows my mind how these things can happen at the same time.

These contrasts are everywhere all of the time

Of this life in this world, precious and cruel.

indifferent

And in my way, I’m sensitive now to these facts and things because I’m in the rediscovery phase in which the fundaments of my world needs to be reconstructed but the concrete needs time to harden

Or it’ll crack anew, and that I will avoid if possible

And thus the skin is extra sensitive to the undercurrents

And I have so much love to give

And I am loved

And I am no fool, I know this is precious, even more so than saffron

When I was a kid, my neighbour and I found a goat carcass in the forest.

It’d been picked clean revealing the white skull which we brought back home to my grandmother

We wanted to show it to her

Apparently it was one of her dead goats she’d pulled into the forest herself,

And we’d pulled it back, (partially)

Probably it couldn’t be buried properly in the frozen grounds, and there was no room in the freezer

She really loved her goats.

I didn’t think about it being one of her goats, it was just a skull with horns and teeth

I don’t remember how she reacted when she saw it or why we did it, but I remember the pungent stench of death on my mittens

They threw them away

firstly

I my BFF was visiting me this week; he just bought an old beat down Volvo s70 which was found in a barn; he just fixed it and drove north for seven hours to see me — that’s the type of person he is.

The colour somehow stuck in my brain because I can’t really classify it even though he says it’s maroon, but I think in such case a very plum coloured maroon. It’s just gorgeous I think, maybe the car looks like a candy or something …

When I was a kid I used to picture travelling into space and to find a new colour which nobody seen before there, on a planet without atmosphere, like on a moon I would find this new unimaginable colour

that’s what it looks like, maybe

Inside it’s beige, like a picture from one of those cassette futurism communities or something

There was something very compelling about the car.

When I open the passenger seat door, it makes the same noises I do when rising to get out.

Anyway these small sounds I think are fanfares in a way, because even though it’s not easy, the doors open and knees bend and stand straight and I stand erect and nobody said it would be easy

We took a trip with this car, called I think Betsy, to buy me a miter saw and a table saw, and I ran over a nail with the new blade

Then I sawed into some aluminium

And it was disproportionally saddening to dull such a nice new saw blade the first thing I did.

And to know that this is a type of mistake I am unlikely to learn from

I didn’t see it.

we built a pergola before celebrating in it

With some friends and neighbours

Having some friends over

Normally I would’ve invited my mother, but this year is not normal, so I didn’t

And I felt bad about not inviting her

I think people in my biological family might have been leaning on me because I always was very trustworthy and caregiving but I can’t do that no more

I think that I didn’t mean as much to them as they did to me

I think that I had made in my mind idealistic images of them which I held onto very strongly even when there was no supporting facts, but rather the contrary

I think that I did that to have something to hold on to

But now I don’t need that

I see things now as an adult

I think I was selling myself short

And it’s a terrible realisation, what does that say about me?

And what does that say about them?

Anyway

My neighbour had an interesting anecdote; they were once on a school trip to some or other old house where there was a lampshade made of human skin

And anyway I love building stuff

The sun is shining night and day. Mosquitoes hidden in the greenery are drinking my blood through straw lips to feed their families as I mind my own business.

And now I’m on the commuter train again, listening to :Wumpscut: again

”Siamese”

Niemals geboren worden zu sein, ist vielleicht der größte Segen von allen

I see the world speeding by through the window; a few red houses but mostly trees and a lake

And a great gray sky

Man, I love this place

A dead little baby bird is lying trampled on the pavewalk; it didn’t make the flight, it plummeted straight down.

The tiny head severed from its little died up corpse for some reason, lying dead among the broken bottles, the shattered glass shimmering like glitter in the sunlight

And I hear the rustling of leaves and the singing of seagulls, happily feasting on a Danish someone dropped on the road nearby

And in this world, nevertheless, I am happy

#poetry

Having had interesting conversations with various friends has made me in a great mood as i lie here atop the bed in my underwear with my dogs nearby

I had my picture taken today for the access card. When I saw the lunatic grinning back at me — from a red and bloated face with a wild beard and asymmetrical nose which has a tint of red just like the beard — on the screen

The lady asked me if I was happy with the picture, I just shrugged and said well I look like that

I used to be handsome and now I look like a that,

it’s my face

It looks like that

I like it, it’s mine

And I have been speaking about stuff from deep within with my friends, I showed them the kintsugi vase I am making of myself, and thus vulnerable, they help me put the pieces back together

Again

Because I value my kindness and have opted to try to keep this side of myself

Because without it, I am not sure who I would be

But still, this time it’ll be darker

There’s no helping it

And the temperature is mild, the dogs are mild, and the moon is somewhere up there in the sky

I am the luckiest man I know

I’m alone in the half renovated apartment

The dogs were happy to see me and are now waiting for food.

We went out for a walk just before a whole rainy day’s worth of water fell down, I could see it and hear it through the window

A type of weather associated with doomsdays but now again the sun is shining

Just like that, a fit of rage from up above or something, then it’s like nothing happened, 

But the ground is wet

And i’m making food also for myself; I’m about to eat some stuff i’ve found in the freezer; an assortment of random food from all over the world

And I’ve got some tzatziki still

I ate for lunch too

I bet I smelt of garlic for my new colleagues

This amuses me somewhat

I had an allergic fit yesterday, causing an intense headache which some people would think hurt a lot, I thought to myself

So I went to sleep; I slept the whole day and it didn’t go away, so I slept the whole night too

Woke up next day at 08:00 feeling tired, really exhausted, isn’t that odd? Must’ve slept 16 hours? Or more? But, there was no headache

I really appreciate the absence of headache

And the sun shining down on me from up above through the foliage on this walkway where I walk facing the breeze

Walk with feet planted broadly like some sort of cowboy

Or sheriff

this world makes absolutely no sense to me.

The older I get, the less I know