Yesterday the moon was really thin like a shut eyelid of a manga face, and there was a grayish turquoise tint to the sky, an awesome backdrop to the Lidl store I visited yesterday in the cold evening
And the smoke rising from the factories nearby looked clean and white, as if that’s where the clouds come from, but it’s not.
I have been tired these days, and I have been sleeping poorly like my brain is thinking these thoughts and it’s hard to make it stop, so I don’t. I just lie there listening to my brain’s thinking.
And honestly it feels pretty good, it’s pretty intelligent this brain of mine, but wild like a stallion like that black horse in these books I never read. (It’s not a genius brain, but in its own way it’s pretty cool)
Today The sun even pierces these shut blinds of the window where I sit trying to work, bombarding me with D vitamins
These brain thoughts and D vitamins are good things but even so they are making it harder for me to focus
I am listening to Labyrinthus Stellarum, Vortex of the Worlds
A space black metal band, or something, irrelevant.
It’s atmospheric!
Anyway it sends me happy memories from when I was jogging this fall in areas where I lived in my late teenage years, so I am thinking about thinking about these memories I think, and they fill me with warmth, even though they weren’t precisely happy, but there is a sweetness to them even so.
(The jogging sent me into this familiar trance)
I sit now in front of my desk, having a recursive memory, that’s pretty cool.
Have you seen this movie ” inception”?, — it’s not quite like that.
And of what? Of what am I thinking? On the second layer? When I was young, wearing Manchester jacket, and sometimes smoking a Marlboro light through pierced lip, and of being very insecure, but with a tender kind heart mostly.
Every day is a small reincarnation ( i just thought of this right now, feeling to write some real deep stuff, you know)
Something that means something, weiĂźt du?
So today, I was reincarnated into a slightly older version of this person I went to bed as.
Same old familiar headache and congested sinuses and the like.
But what’s new, then? Are there new opportunities opened to to me? Yes there are!
Do I feel bad today? No!!
I don’t!
Look at me! I’m feeling normal!
I’ll go fitness sporting later today, and I’m doing laundry!
Doing laundry is very therapeutic: you take all the old stinking pile of clothes with all sorts of vile dirt, and you gently jam it into the machine for washing,
Out comes these clean, warm clothes with the scent maybe of lavender!
I have no smell, i mean I sense nothing, but I know that this is the way it is!
I know it!
I see a green plant, it almost died from the ruthless storage in car while we were grocery shopping in this dead winter!!
Indeed all of the green leaves were shed only one or two green umbrellas of life protruded from the once majestic plant
But with my strong love and careful act of putting it in the kitchen by the window and then watering it carefully, now new buds are sprouting!!!
Today I was not focused enough during the fitness class to get the choreography right.
I’ve been having guilt about certain choices I’ve made, which I don’t regret nonetheless
Because they were for me
But
I’ve placed myself in an uncomfortable spot indeed, much like a nut in a nutcracker, only I am the one operating it, if you understand how this can be confusing?
And I am feeling the wrong things, why aren’t I angry?
One fine day maybe
I guess I shouldn’t crank that damn nutcracker to begin with
It’s the type of situation where I am clearly an idiot man.
Let go of the fucking handle , idiot man!
hey I have listened to Johnny Cash by Fred Eaglesmith all day, a powerful song about all of the shallow so called fans of Johnny Cash who only listened to him when he was dead or covered Hurt by Nine Inch Nails, but in 1989 when Cash was struggling they were all listening to heavy metal; they couldn’t care less…
I can’t explain why, but these lyrics are so good and I myself is exempt I think because I am too young to have been listening to him when he was alive, I mean.
One time when I was running slowly around a pond by the camping one evening, there was a boat by the dock with the diving tower, dredging for a corpse.
The next day, young children and grown ups were swimming in there as usual, with their colourful bathing suits on, or just having a wonderful time at the sun lit beach, casually sunbathing or drinking slush from the kiosk by the tall pine trees nearby.
Happy children or adults with giant bellies back flipping off the diving tower, then returning to surface, but this boy didn’t.
Imagine having survived fleeing from war and poverty, the hazardous boat trip across the Mediterranean Sea, only to drown in this way..
And that I just jogged past this boat like it was just another day as any other, because it was.
I’m thinking that I’ve been a dead fish floating downstream for a long time, but then suddenly I’ve come to life swimming upstream, unable to complain because no words come out of my fish lips, only bubbles, and suddenly I feel the strong current trying to drag me with it, but not me! I swim nimbly with muscular movements and lo and behold even I make it up this waterfall.
I know that that’s where the bears are, I’m not stupid. And yet these dangers must be faced, even though this is just a matter of luck, isn’t it?
It’s just a matter of luck. Being a fish in this example, is also just luck (or lack thereof)
The only real choice was coming alive swimming upstream
And for someone such as me, it wasn’t a choice at all!
Today I had this dust cloth sticking out of my back jeans pocket. While I was cleaning sexily.
Later the same day when at the grocery store I saw this sausage type of meat pressed into the shape and form of a teddy bear, you know? For children…
Much like the HP inkjet printer, this too I think of as an object of pure evil.
The sadistic smile of this teddy bear made of thousands of pig carcasses like taken from a nightmare !!