The small little black dog, of course he’s got wolf blood flowing in his veins.
that night with thunder and the bright flashes of lightning, simultaneously rattling and filling the whole living room with white light, he just lie atop the yellow sofa perfectly at peace
And he’s afraid of flies ever since he got stung once by a bee, looking over his shoulder while eating nervously
Now he gets up in the middle of the night, howling in falsetto at the moon
As I entered the pizzeria to pick up a kebab roll I ordered for my daughter on the phone I heard a strong Australian accent.
It’s not a common sight with foreigners in these areas at all, it’s for sure the first one I seen in this town this year.
Well anyway that’s just me trying to describe this rural area
So he sat there, in one of two chairs opposite the pizza station; a corpulent man in his forties maybe with a bald head and a FBI female breast inspector T-Shirt.
When he saw me enter, he looked me up and down and said I looked cool.
this is how I looked:
Very tall and handsome with long blonde hair like Yngwie Malmsteen, black sunglasses, green fjällräven jacket, green shirt, black combat shorts — which my wife says are swimming trunks, but as they don’t have genitalia net inside, I don’t think they are. Besides, why would swimming shorts have this many pockets, it doesn’t make sense — and the green paint specked crocs.
I say thanks man, I really try
But it’s not true
This is my effortless look
That’s something to be thankful for, I think.
Anyway because this fella and his friend waiting outside both seemed to be on some or other drug, I cleverly redirected his attention to the banana pizza nr 13 and he really blew a gasket
Meanwhile, I left
Took the Volvo home.
I am back in the ferris wheel again
Another more of the same, just like last time,
Except now I am older
So a spiral, then
One of the greatest song texts I ever seen or heard sung I think is ”Oh my Lord” by Nick cave
The ladders of life that we scale merrily
Move mysteriously around
So that when you think you’re climbing up, man
In fact you’re climbing down
And I’m thinking about what a friend said that sometimes it’s very rewarding to do the wrong thing
Yes yes sticking the head in the sand
It’s a very bad thing to do, you know?
Turning a blind eye and then Evil is sneaking round the corner, of course.
I think bravery is the most importance trait, together with kindness of course
And I am thinking (using my own brain) that it’s sometimes hard even knowing what is the right thing to do, I never used to have any doubts about that before.
First knowing what is the right thing to do, and then doing the closest approximation of that in this life
It’s not a ferret wheel, not a ferris wheel either: It has a beginning and an end like a spiral
Or a serpentine
Xx
The sun was unexpectedly warm today, the air damp and only a few gray clouds were on the otherwise blue sky, and they weren’t even that gray.
Today I was feeling great inside
Everything seems to be going fine,
These feelings of sunshine and happiness are welcome
🤗
When walking these dirty roads, right now I pay extra attention to the small road-coloured frogs crossing the street.
Don’t know what set me off but it was just feelings of anxiety and a sadness which I don’t know from where it came but it was like just this distraction irate behaviour I couldn’t focus just sat for five minutes, made code, then back and then out again five minutes with the dogs, try to focus 20 min then coffee.
It’s the feeling of something very unspecific being wrong
I really tried
Having spent the workday in this weird state of mind, I went to the neighbours to help their son with his computer and I might’ve fixed it or maybe I didn’t; maybe it’s broken still, but at least it booted
And my black mood lifted too, late now I’m having dinner, watching Supernatural. Without spoiling anything I’ll say that the notion of the soul being tied to the conscience I think it’s spot on.
Tomorrow I’ll go running, it’s to keep the wolves at bay
It’ll prevent me from feeling bad
I used to think that that’s all there was to it, mere chemistry of the brain
Imbalance of the humours I used to think
But now I think that there’s something unhandled psychologically with is making these terrible feelings appear in the first place
And that the training is just a way to handle operating this broken machine in this world, which I love.
Hello I’m listening now to “Radio” by Beyonce on the boom blaster. It brings me back in time to when I was in Barrens and we were having tacos and I was a raptor riding troll shaman and life was simple.
Today we went with some raspberry pie to the neighbours and we sat on the veranda under the sun and the clouds looked like an AI rendering or something, there wasn’t much to say about them except that they looked like they were zoomed out and too many of them
Hey maybe we’re in a simulation after all
And what if the clouds was just a glitch in the matrix.
At my house, the roads and fields are fringed with bushes of wild raspberries which with their red fruit look like from a fairy tale against the green of the bushes and greenery surrounding them.
I will pick these raspberries and bake a pie.
There are often white larvae inside these berries, maybe one day they will become butterflies, i don’t know.
I will when baking this pie, pretend that no such larvae exist.
Such is the power of imagination.
a friend and wanderer made a stop by my house just now, 1001 km from his house. I’d only ever met him on the computer before, but in 3d I remember he looked the same except richer in detail.
With him came his old father and a man with a braided gray beard and two big eyes!
I like this guy, the friend, because I’ve known him a reasonably short time but it feels like much longer than that, him having a magnetic personality and slightly eccentric ways. Just like me, he dances to his own tune.
Then I realised I’d lost my spark, so I went for a jog only 6 km but I needed to start feeling happy inside and of course it worked.
On the track the road was muddy and I saw the outline of a dead toad, camouflaged with the gray and brown road colour, but from his little frog mouth a trickle of blood which seemed to sparkle with rubies against this aforementioned backdrop