Having had interesting conversations with various friends has made me in a great mood as i lie here atop the bed in my underwear with my dogs nearby

I had my picture taken today for the access card. When I saw the lunatic grinning back at me — from a red and bloated face with a wild beard and asymmetrical nose which has a tint of red just like the beard — on the screen

The lady asked me if I was happy with the picture, I just shrugged and said well I look like that

I used to be handsome and now I look like a that,

it’s my face

It looks like that

I like it, it’s mine

And I have been speaking about stuff from deep within with my friends, I showed them the kintsugi vase I am making of myself, and thus vulnerable, they help me put the pieces back together

Again

Because I value my kindness and have opted to try to keep this side of myself

Because without it, I am not sure who I would be

But still, this time it’ll be darker

There’s no helping it

And the temperature is mild, the dogs are mild, and the moon is somewhere up there in the sky

I am the luckiest man I know

I’m alone in the half renovated apartment

The dogs were happy to see me and are now waiting for food.

We went out for a walk just before a whole rainy day’s worth of water fell down, I could see it and hear it through the window

A type of weather associated with doomsdays but now again the sun is shining

Just like that, a fit of rage from up above or something, then it’s like nothing happened, 

But the ground is wet

And i’m making food also for myself; I’m about to eat some stuff i’ve found in the freezer; an assortment of random food from all over the world

And I’ve got some tzatziki still

I ate for lunch too

I bet I smelt of garlic for my new colleagues

This amuses me somewhat

I had an allergic fit yesterday, causing an intense headache which some people would think hurt a lot, I thought to myself

So I went to sleep; I slept the whole day and it didn’t go away, so I slept the whole night too

Woke up next day at 08:00 feeling tired, really exhausted, isn’t that odd? Must’ve slept 16 hours? Or more? But, there was no headache

I really appreciate the absence of headache

And the sun shining down on me from up above through the foliage on this walkway where I walk facing the breeze

Walk with feet planted broadly like some sort of cowboy

Or sheriff

this world makes absolutely no sense to me.

The older I get, the less I know

Hello! In reality there are lots of stuff going on in my life, but somehow I don’t deem it worth writing about, instead I write about how I move big rocks with my wheelbarrow to construct a secluded copse where I can sit obscured by the foliage and yet have a clear view of my surroundings

Or how I see mother sitting on a miniature ATV connected backhoe, how that makes her look like a toddler operating a sandbox excavator in my mind’s eye.

And that that’s always the way it’s been, but I see it now through the foliage through my new round prism glasses, which are strong.

My current quest of introspection is figuring out why I didn’t see this before, blatant though it is.

I fear I might not like the answer

If there’s one thing I regret in my life so far, it’s that I didn’t start smoking at an earlier age.

In the red Volvo, I was listening to Looptroop — Long Arm of the law,

It’s an awesome track,

The lyrics crack me up every time.

It’s about being oppressed by the system, and especially the police

About getting “fucked by the long dick of the law”,

And then somewhat disproportionately

Wouldn't even give me a public defender  For such a small case, not paying on the trains  Still they wanted four thousand kronors, from my bank account  I thought that was a too big amount  But the judge didn't had no sympathy on me

I love it

there’s a tiredness in me which stems from more than just lack of sleep

Sometimes, as you are driving, a loud bang or a scraping noise comes from somewhere in the car, maybe from underneath? Like say you ran over a pothole or maybe not even that …

But no warning lights flash, so it’s probably nothing, right?

It’s that exact feeling from somewhere inside my body, an ancient feeling maybe

And so therefore following the taco buffet where I sat inside sweating I now feel several hundred years old

But yet I keep going.

What is the option?

Two foods for thought

1:

They are painting the windows, even the one with a rotted frame

It too will get a coat of white paint

It will look just like new

Even though you could break pieces off it with your fingers

Still

It looks just like new

Some families are like this window,

You couldn’t guess which ones

2:

I found a matching yellow sock today in my backpack I use for training clothes

His husband were on top of the bedroom drawer with dust on it

It’s been there for months

But now the couple is reunited inside of the drawer to join the circle of life of a pair of socks

I felt this to be a good omen

Because

Without my wife I too am like this dust covered sock

---

Ok so one nugget of wisdom and one

Good omen

I’m listening right now to Jon Schaffers favourite songs playlist which right now is playing a song by Ghost.

The blinds are shut and windows closed, but yet light and sound is spilling into this apartment.

Last week there was a school concert where my nephew performed on his loop station, it was awesome.

On another act where some students dressed in white shirts were performing Jesus He Knows me, in the silence right before they were gonna start, from the row in front of me came a fart sound from a young woman who started laughing and her boyfriend (presumably) started laughing too and then he was playfully head banging to the music and they were holding hands, giggling

And their playfulness filled me with joy because they really seemed to be in love and having a great time

And it reminded me of that scene from the new spider man movie where spider man is unmasked in a train car but somehow the little folks stick up for him and protect him

And it got me thinking about all of these beautiful things people do

Their displays of kindness

And so thinking, I feel too that I got the power to muddle through this life

A life I do not understand

My mind keep thinking about this quote by Clive Barker from ome of the Abarat books

We each die countless little deaths on our way to the last. We die out of shame as humiliation. We perish from despair. And, of course, we die for love.

I have been trying to describe the mess in my head by likening it to a room with bedbugs in the antique furniture, which is covered by stacks of important papers.

From somewhere there is a stench, maybe a cat pissed on some carpet or something, but it’s impossible to deduce the source exactly among the clutter

And every type I enter this room I am unable even to remember what errand brought me there, so I go instead to fill my coffee cup,

Then outside into the summer sun where dandelions are growing in the newly mowed lawns.

The past year of my life has been a mental tornado

And I am sure now I have died another one of these little deaths from the quote above

And I am certain that I will come out of this experience a different person

And I fear I might not like him as much