I did try, but first I got some asthma coughs which woke me up like a fancy type of reminder to take the medicine. Furthermore my wife was snoring in such a way that it sounded just like the cat wanted out. But there was no cat when I got down to see, instead I saw that it was bright outside.
The beginning of a nice day.
Then finally a few hours later indeed the cat did want to go out and it sounded just like it did before.
Indeed.
Now instead of sleeping I’m thinking about a lot of stuff like I’m thinking about all of the stuff at the same time again. Happy thoughts mingled with worries and sad ones like a mix of so many different things, more like a sausage than a fruit salad.
Anyhow I’ve not much more to say; no great revelations or profound wisdoms to share unfortunately.
Now I’ll go try again to sleep, with the birds chirping and all of the bright light everywhere and the head I am not too sure I’ll succeed.
I’m feeling like good and bad and I’ll go for a jog on a track I ain’t jogged for a long time, cause maybe it’ll do me some good for all the bad it feels while doing it.
It’s like I got this thunderstorm inside, ready to smite. Feeling a bit on edge: Somewhat unsettled about my future. Need to straighten my feelings and thoughts out, cause it’s chaos in there right now.
Need to brush my teeth.
I don’t wanna die.
I love this life, and I cling to it.
I’ve found a new favourite Britney Spears track.
Now I’ve jogged for 10km and it felt horrible just as I knew it would 👍, just like it always does.
Now everything feels good, the problems melted away.
Now the cat is asleep in my lap. I’ve been doing a lot of stuff lately which I won’t go into great detail about here, but everything is well. And that’s great. Great indeed. I am alive, just like any Solaris 10 machine would be able to confirm were they able to ping me.
Once when I was administrating Solaris 10 systems (among other things), we went the last day before my vacation to play some badminton. It was a 2v2 game, so I felt I needed to participate even though I felt in my systems what could be the beginning of a slight cold. One in the opposing team was superior and was playing the ball in such a way that I had to run the longest way always to catch the next one, which I frequently failed with, even though I gave it all I got (I always do it like that even though I don’t care much if I win it not).
When we were done and were going on the subway for some beers at the end of the day, I wasn’t feeling quite right, so instead I went back home and fell asleep and was knocked out abed for the whole first week of my vacation.
That just goes to show that even smart people do dumb things.
Today (or rather yesterday, as it’s 00:05), during lunch, I was told after eating and when we were on our way to the car, that there was this child at the buffet who wasn’t allowed by her parents to eat meat balls with cream and jam, and we all that that a damn shame. They served meat balls and pancakes and more besides but apparently those were to be eaten separately almost like separate activities for some reason I don’t understand as it’ll all be mingled in the stomach; the order in which eaten makes little difference.
My aunt for some reason thought that the child would get eating disorders, but my concern was that they were putting out her creative fire and natural curiosity by forcing her to be dull and think inside the box. I further thought that the exact opposite of what a parent is supposed to do: I think a good parent will always feed the fire and encourage curiosity as she might be raising an explorer or scientist or engineer or whatever.
I thought then about this quote from Clive Barker’s Abarat books:
We each die countless little deaths on our way to the last. We die out of shame as humiliation. We perish from despair. And, of course, we die for love.
This I think about a lot and hold it to be one hundred percent true as I’ve had similar thoughts myself and often feel like parts of me die inside after similar encounters.
Yesterday the family of my sister’s left for home after a one week visit and it was a very fine vacation time with many fine memories created such as the one I described in my last post about the fishing. Others were when they all loved the pizzas I made for them when they were in some „adventure“ bath house which is to me a glimpse of what hell might be like: high volume noise and people everywhere, wet and with an odour of French fries mingled with chlorine in the suffocatingly damp air. Nowhere to hide. That I didn’t have to participate was a great highlight of the week.
After they’d gone, I felt that I’d spent my whole social account leaving me on a slight negative energy level which normally would’ve been restored to normal by now, had this visit not immediately been followed by my aunt’s and her husband’s.
My aunt has a high appetite for social interactions and a low appetite for food. Crazy about card games but unable to remember what is trump and who is playing with who. When she eats lunch, she starts with the coffee and dessert and then goes for the main course, all of which she leaves two thirds of. That’s only a few of all the oddities about her. She is one of the kindest persons I know.
Furthermore my friend from back in school texted me just now, wanting to come visit as we haven’t met in many years, more than a decade, and I said yes but now I feel a slight dread mingled into the anticipation, apprehensipation maybe, because even though I really am thankful that there are many people who want to spend time with me, it’s draining my energy reservoir and also takes time off of other stuff such like that which I aim to build.
It’s just a great thing to keep in mind that there are those who travel far and go through many hoops just to see me and my family and that’s really something to think about in fifty years. A precious gift.
However: I usually prefer to have people around me in such a way that I can remain in the background, listening to them having a good time. Like a dog.
I had some really intelligent thought in my head, like a reflection about this here, the yin yang of it or something, but it slipped my mind, likely due to the low energy levels.
Either I’ve slept too much or not at all lately, and have woken up with a nosebleed and a horrible feeling somewhere near the stomach or throat. In anticipation of this, this morning I put the alarm on for eight.
Also I saw the soccer game and it was a little bit pleasant, but not much.
My sister in law who I love like a real sister, her child and I went today for a fishing trip in my mum’s small aluminium boat. The cute little child had never been fishing before, being only four years old. There were a few dark clouds but the weather was pleasant and mild, the scenery on that lake was very beautiful as always. I think that’s the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen; it’s like a valley with some trees, houses scattered among the farmsteads and hills on either side and the blue sky is reflected perfectly on the water, with clouds and everything. All silent mostly. Anyway the little child caught her first fish: a small one we threw back. We ate cookies and the sister and me drank coffee from a thermos, but then suddenly the rain fell in bucketfuls pouring so I rowed quickly ashore, the paper bag I cleverly brought the stuff in quickly dissolved, spilling all of the thermoses and stuff onto the ground. Somehow that was very funny as we had to walk back to her car with the stuff carried in our arms, soaking wet.
Then finally this evening another dramatic encounter in mum’s pergola, which isn’t quite a pergola but it provides shelter from the rain, except suddenly as we were all of us eating a Greek salad, the rain started falling in a way which made the boat rain seem like nothing: raining horizontally and vertically., hail, such an overpowering sound on the roof that it was deafening. Windy so to couldn’t breathe right. Carrot the turkey tom got very scared, shrunken and miserable I carried the fella back into his home in mum’s barn through the rain and hail and there we stood, counting the seconds after each lightning strike till we heard the thunder rumbling and ofttimes they were simultaneous meaning the lightning struck near, which indeed my neighbour confirmed cause he’s got this app which can somehow tell where it’s lightning and it said it was everywhere.
Went home to put a dry change of clothes on for the second time.
Now the weather is sunny again as if it never been anything but, but the earth I’ve dug up for the foundation is filled like a dirty Swimmingpool.
Some mundane things are incredibly contrast rich such like gelatine which is absolutely disgusting; made as it is from bones and skin of dead beasts, smelling horrible, dry etc. ground down to some powder or something, and put into sweets which are incredibly tasty and good, smelling and tasting great. There’s the yin yang right there, the gross and delicious in perfect balance, but treacherous; containing no nutrients, only a hidden diabetes promise.
When I run, and when I’m feeling done and exhausted, I think that I’m combating my own personal special diabetes beast, looking like one of those abominations from WoW; like patchwork, but maybe with scales like a dragon except they are made of potato chips. Every step is a fierce blow to the centre of the beast.
Anyhow I’m thinking these things now as I’m having a pleasant evening with some candy and some great family.
Something got stuck halfway in the dog’s little throat causing a wheeze like sound coming from her last night. She does that sometimes when she gets a bone; chews off and swallows a too big chunk which wedges itself in there somewhere. Once when she was a puppy she got a bone shaped like one of those sticks the Italians put in their ice creams “gelato”, size of a big straw or something. You know it’s a type of roll used to spruce up ice creams and make it more festive. She was so small and eager that she swallowed the whole thing whole like some sword swallower; we had to turn her upside down to pull it out like 30% of her body length or something. An amazing feat and to this day she ain’t getting bones of that shape no more.
Gluttony.
Somehow she always manages to digest it somehow. That which gets stuck. Now she is normal and happy again, that cute little one.
Speaking of puppies, I really liked Skinny Puppy when I was young, I liked the Last Rights album which was very good from start to finish and which I listened to a lot when playing heroes of might and magic 3. Tomorrow I shall find out if I like it still and see if maybe by listening I can evoke memories from that time which was a time when my life was getting good after a long period of a feeling of gray. It wasn’t you know black, but rather a state of mind characterised by apathy where just carrying on was all I could muster. It felt as if I was in a period of transcendence right then, where I started to feel happy about myself. Playing heroes 3 and listening to Skinny Puppy and meeting new people who were kind and had this inner beauty to them which radiated a type of warmth which I was basking in.
Now I too am aglow like a sun, hoping to return the favour in a way by shining my light on others.
I’m enjoying my vacation: I’m digging up earth, putting it into the wheelbarrow, which I then push into the chicken coup area which is on a hill in which I use the soil from the wheelbarrow, and big rocks I find here and there, to build terraces on, like the Aztecs.
It’s funny how happy I get when I find rocks shaped a certain way, of a certain size etc, because those I can build with.
I enjoy digging and will probably be done with the foundation (I’m digging a foundation for a type of greenhouse I’ve described previously) tomorrow. I have a fear that I’ll be done with the digging and thereby will have run out of earth for the terraces, but I’m looking forward to filling the hole with gravel.
I am a man of many hobbies: digging and shovelling.
The hens also enjoy my hobby because the turned soil exposes worms and they really like that. Now they all come running as soon as they see me walk there with the spade.
Ok thanks for reading I really appreciate!!
Content after a day of hard toil and fishing. Eating pizza, drinking some beer and unwinding.