The happy place

slept like a baby, I dreamed that I dreamed that I was losing one front tooth; when I held it with pinch grip, it it came loose so I pressed it down again into the bloody gum for it to grow back there. I pushed it down deeply, even deeper than the other teeth. I thought I made it stick, but when I let go of it, it came loose again. I regretted not brushing my teeth better, because that would have prevented this.

Then I realised, to my relief, that I’d just dreamed that, however the same tooth came loose again, this time in my outer dream.

Having woken up from all of these dreams, having all teeth still, especially the one I was dreaming about, I felt a sense of thankfulness and decided to go out into this cold, cloudy, wet and dirty weather — which made me think of a soggy, sour dishcloth — and take myself out for a run. I saw branches of trees lining the roads laying in puddles and on the roadside, blown off by the winds yesterday. And my body felt slow and every movement with the legs felt uncomfortable like they’d been used too much lately.

It still felt good

I completed my running and have two complete lines of teeth

And so why shouldn’t I feel happy?

I Like the quote from Franz Kafka about him wearing his real face, because he didn’t know that life is a costume party,

I had a drama teacher once, who said that I was hiding behind a clown mask. She meant it kindly.

Unfortunately, that was my real face.

It’s slightly too warm, the pillow isn’t quite right, I’m tired but yet also not

I’m having trouble sleeping, I’m having these vivid dreams like the one about the shrimp, or last night:

I dreamt there were two baguettes on the kitchen counter

That’s pretty much all I remember

To bring them forth from the dreaming world, I bought two baguettes and placed them as I had seen it in my dream …

And then later I ate a bit of one and a bowl of spring mushroom soup: A look of miserably monochrome grayish beige, textureless — like depression made into soup,

Like the gruel which the crew in the Matrix eats, you know?

Having done as foretold by my dream self, I’m eagerly anticipating what will happen next!

I had something on my mind, I couldn’t sleep because I needed to get it out of my system, but I have forgotten what it was.

It has been like this all week; my mind has been wandering to useless places; when I try to focus, I forget on what and then when I remember, and say it’s something on the computer, so that requires 2FA, of course it does, so I pull out my mobile phone, but forget why so instead I watch this clip of ”The Last of the Mohicans” soundtrack, now played on an ancient Celtic instrument.

But it’s only Monday

---

I dreamt we were having something like sushi for dinner, and there was a giant scampi there, size of a tennis ball, which was jumping around, screaming with this terribly loud shrimp voice, bouncing and hiding in the blue sofa: he wanted so desperately to live, but we had our minds fixed to eat him

It felt terrible, like the way cats sometimes play with ducklings sadistically (it appears) before they eat them

---

Yes! I remember now, the forgotten thought which triggered a burst of inspiration:

there’s a children’s tooth brush in our bathroom, baby blue plastic with a soccer ball printed on it and the text ”You GOT this!”!

That’s what I was thinking about

In general such motivational texts I think fall flat as they can’t possibly know who they are targeting and to what they refer, but still

I GOT this!

Under a patch of undergrowth, once a fistful of perfect golden chanterelles lay hidden. I didn’t see them until I did, I was the first human who did I think, and I felt their weight and a special type primal hunther/gatherer satisfaction as I put them in this paper bag I brought

Or maybe it was plastic

But the memory of the hidden treasure is strong with the sun sending playful somewhat blinding rays on the surface of the water with was fringed by this greenery.

When I — by accident as I was browsing — found that Katherine Kerr had started writing a new series set in the same Deverry world, and bought the first one of these books, I felt just a similar type of joy.

I made the connexion because these occurrences were only days apart if it wasn’t on the same day in fact? It doesn’t matter

And it was a pleasure to visit this world again

When I started I took great pleasure in having a series of twelve (then later sixteen) books with this world but I read them all eventually and then of course to see it again was like they say like visiting an old friend, you know. It doesn’t take long until it’s just like it was before — just like it was supposed to be

You know?

Hello I have been talking to some friends It’s the modern miracle of science to see these faces through the screen

And anyway we were talking about separation of intent from outcome

And I thought of this line from Kamelot ”Soul Society” from ”The Black Halo” album, (which is my favourite even though my favourite song ”The Spell” is from ”Karma”)

How could I be condemned for the things that I've done  If my intentions were good?

and yes this is food for thought of course it is. Of course it is. Intenttions are all we have on the one hand: the outcome is never given, because we can only guess how it will pan out. The point is, that we should make these educated guesses and also ensure that intention and outcome walk hand in hand

But that is beside the point

The point is I once in listened to ”The Spell” (and Karma) on a burned CD which was in my friend’s black saab 9000 turbo with black leather upholstery, we were going to the gas station in the middle of the night to buy snacks for we were playing Heroes of Might and Magic: II, but were out of snacks, and so when I sat there on the passenger’s seat and my friend was speeding and this song came on and never in my life have I ever felt as cool as I did then.

Then years pass and this memory faded until I heard the Karma album many years later and I thought this is the bomb and so I listened to all of these Kamelot albums until I rediscovered Karma and The Spell and then I was a more complete human being with this aforementioned memory sitting like a black diamond on my metaphorical crown.

Did you know Roy Khan the singer (then) of Kamelot is from Norway?

Outside in places the sidewalks are dry and the gravel on there redundant, but it’s mostly wet, because the snow and ice are melting and the meltwater on the salted roads run like tears, and the trees all seem dead for now but everybody knows it’s just a matter of time til there will be green buds all over them!

And of course one day I will wake up to half a meter of dirty snow and sleet and there will be ice, just when you think about planting tomatoes, but even so, it will still be under the spring sun and sky and that’s really comforting

And I have many friends and family and they come too like spring suns and they make my life worth living

And there will grow dandelions in the cracks of the asphalt and there will be once again butterflies outside

And I feel th

There was a sunset today, and it was pink and yellow. And on the grounds lay a thick solid sheet of ice

And with these jogging shoes which are studded I went running earlier today, for I felt like a plant inside, gathering the rays of sunshine in what felt like a photosynthesis of the mind — wandering as it did in its own route, with every emotion amplified by this running — having Ava Max blasting in the earphones

Now I lie on my bed, listening to a playlist of ”the Last of the Mohicans” versions, I still think it’s the best song ever made.

That the movie was so great just makes it all better.

I don’t know for a fact if it is a good movie, but my sister and her cousin bought it on VHS for each other one Christmas, because they thought that the Mohicans were so handsome.

I think that’s true, they were, but what about this sad song

Don’t they eat a heart in that movie?

I felt like, when my sister left my life (like she didn’t care), she took a big bite of my heart, because I didn’t see it coming — even though it was so blatantly obvious in hindsight that this relationship was not bidirectional — it got my questioning my grasp on reality, and I am not sure why it hurt so bad, but I think it’s because I thought she loved me but she is not capable of that in any way I can relate to.

But I am not feeling sorry for myself I haven’t the capacity I think.

I do feel a little bit of hunger now , but the playlist isn’t done playing the Last of the Mohicans music yet and so I am spellbound to this inert state of…

I am not sure, but there’s one variant with the hurdy gurdy…

That’s a cool instrument

I think that this life is so beautiful and I am feeling in general pretty good, did you know I have been averaging on 5h/day on umamusume pretty derby since I downloaded this horse girl game? It’s just so much fun and there’s lots of decisions to make as a horse girl trainer, so many trade-offs, it’s just like in real life.

And I did

The first spring rain now is falling onto the snow covered lands and thereby is creating a dangerous surface.

Like a slush made of dirt water, ice concealed by shallow puddles

Moreover

Wet icicles falling from the roofs (all of them) onto this aforementioned ground are making the sidewalks more perilous than the roads they fringe, as the dangers there are everywhere.

And the gravel is looking dirty and hard yet they provide safety of course they do.

And today I wore my sunglasses

Because the sun shines brighter now, it’s the spring sun.

Sometimes, however, the interesting thing happens indoors:

There was a big clog in the sewage behind the shower cubicle today.

It’s always been slow, but today it reached a point where something had to be done, as shower water spilled onto the bathroom floor.

I don’t think it’s ever been cleaned out before, because to move it, first the wall mounted bathroom cabinet needs to be cleared and unmounted. Then there is enough room to move cubicle to reveal the floor drain underneath. Like a 15-puzzle or a Tetris in reverse.

I was always curious to see how it looked behind and beneath this cubicle, and have been yearning to clean it thoroughly, because it looked just like I imagined it would with the black cluster of dust moths which were satisfying to clean out.

And

In the trap was the mother of all clogs, a fascinating very solid mass of god knows what, a last living (for I felt it was a living thing) remnant from the old lady, the previous owner who died in this apartment, and thousands of other things like a complete ecosystem or something with a color I haven’t seen before oddly fascinating:

I just drew it out with my bare hands — there weren’t any gloves nearby, and having my mind made up, I now felt an urgency to handle this promptly — feeling the surprisingly solid slimy mass with something hard like eggshells inside as i pulled it out and tossed it into the bin.

and now, having put all together once more, water runs freely through the drain, better than I ever would’ve thought possible.

For some weeks now I’m having a Teams notification on the computer. I’ve got a new chat message somewhere, but when I click on it, on the icon, there’s nothing new.

Nothing is there

And yet the notification,

Were I an electron app (God forbid), then it’ll be this teams installation with this confused message which is not to be found, probably an important message hidden in some obscure channel

Or maybe just nothing

But I’ll never know and thank God I’m human although I’d like to be an elf or something but that’s off topic

We just get this hand of cards we’ll have to play as best we can

No one asks for this