The happy place

The full moon has been shining big on the sky all week, infusing me with Lupine radiance. Today, however, the moon was only 80% full. Ironically its shine was the strongest one of all.

That’s a comforting thought, I think

I can’t believe how lucky I am with all of these things I have got going for me, how loved I am and what a meaningful (by my own measure) life I live

And yet at the same time, I’m really struggling

It doesn’t make no sense

To say I’m not clever enough to grasp it all may be true, but I’m not going to use that as an excuse not to try

Sometimes I think it’s cowardice standing in my way of making sense of this life, you know

How uncomfortable it can be to look into the mirror and

And sometimes other people too

Sometimes they aren’t what you think

Sometimes you know this I know this, and at the same time not

But also have some self compassion

Where is my self compassion

Where did I put it

I’m confused now, because I just discovered it and I’m still not sure

How to use it

#poetry

Outside, the whole day, rain has been falling from a monochromatic gray smudge which is both a fog rising from the ground and the clouds overhead.

And there are brown dirt roads with puddled pot holes. Brown slugs are crawling up on the furniture, litter bins and whatever is left lying on the ground

And I only did sleep for three hours, my mind thoughts spinning out of control throughout the night

But then, a big rainbow and a big yellow sun

Green almost yellow illuminated grass

And my friend came visiting with his girlfriend and a small baby child they’d made.

And he was tall just like me with gray streaked beard just like me, long hair in a ponytail and round glasses, just like me

But he’d made these big earrings, you know, and he’s got some tattoos too, and today he was wearing a Slayer t shirt. It’s never been my taste, slayer.

So objectively he was a little bit cooler with this wild style, some would say

And then, as it turns out, we were both running Manjaro Linux

And then they left

There are some people you’ve not talked much for years but it’s still the same when you meet, you know? He’s like that

I think

Thank you for your time

listening to dark tranquillity and working like a machine right now,

We carry our fear inside,

A space that holds the darkness,

We stretch our skin around,

To cover the Abyss

And I didn’t know I had this much mojo anymore, I couldn’t believe it when running the route, because my whole body felt rusted, every movement was provoking a resigned protest from this body I’m in

It’s not the one I would’ve chosen, but it is mine

And the sun did me some good, like an exorcism with this running around getting nowhere, it’s supposed to feel this way

But the curse has lifted

And with this sun shining down on me, I enter into the week end

hello guess what? I’m on the train again. This time brightly illuminated pale fields of wheat and pine tree forests are zipping by along with a handful of red houses haphazardly scattered like raisins in a müsli

It’s always nice to come home. I felt disoriented when I woke up this morning in the apartment. A disappointment settling inside as I learned where I was.

I think mornings can be harsh, because there’s always a brief moment when you have a clean slate, and as the state is loaded back into the brain, the disappointments and failures briefly forgotten, are reexperienced.

Of course there are good things loaded with the context too, like waking up for the first time next to someone you love etc

Life itself is indeed like a müsli, but sometimes there’s shit in it.

👋

There were nettles and I was running at the edge of the maize field, between the taller maize and the forest. There I could’ve disappeared, but I didn’t

I Emerged instead on the road and finally made it back home to my family including the cats

And yes of course I am thankful

I never pictured I would have any of this

There’s no place on earth I’d rather be and no life I’d rather live either

I didn’t picture anything, to be fair, but still

having all I got fills me with gratitude

And my neutral facial expression: a smile.

Hey there were clouds deep gray but through an opening to the west, the sun shone so strongly that these clouds seemed dark blue, and the lawn and little pergola were brightly lit, the white painted frame blinding.

A stark contrast to this aforementioned sky

And there I saw a rainbow.

It all looked like in a smurf village.

Next time I looked out a few minutes later, through that same window,

The rain fell heavily, and everything was gray again

Then the smurfs were suddenly gone

Rode off, no doubt, on big green toads

There’s lots of them, I see them every night

Toads, not smurfs

But there are no crickets here.

A pretty powerful world indeed

Hey did you feel the rain yesterday? Just came out of nowhere, there was even a big yellow sun shining just moments before.

That’s how life often is; one moment everything is fine, then when you least expect it: misery strikes from the least probable angle

Then tears well up inside, of course; sometimes the feelings of betrayal are bigger than what can fit inside a single human being, I think.

But hey, what’s the alternative? You have to participate in this so called life even though you’re several ways of doomed from the start.

(We all know how this will end, even though it’s generally not something we enjoy talking about)

Just hope to have enough grit to get back up on your feet, get up get up get up,

Limp forwards, upwards

Reach for the light!!!!

But it’s not wrong to be angry and sad, because it’s not fair

It’s not fair .

Hey I’m on the train again, inside the train on my way home, yeah?

I have been conferencing today, breathing stale air. There’s a glimpse of what I may have been ended up doing if I’d taken another fork in the road, presales, project planning. I’m glad of this day, and glad I’m more of a technical expert, lurking in the shadows

Of course my head hurts from this bright exposure

It was nice

Of course it was

And yet as I entered into the heavy rain outside I felt refreshed and invigorated

I love the rain

I want to feel something, you know?

In this train in this rain I’m listening to the Waterboys “Red Army blues”; a cautionary tale about a WWII soldier defeating the Germans and being rewarded for his efforts with a single ticket to Gulag

And I’m thinking that it could be worse,

But that’s always the case, unless you’re the guy in the song,

Prepared to give his life to Soviet Russia, having it betray him, now all he has left is the brute will to survive.

Ironic

Now it’s more of a gothic song in my ears it’s very cool to Seelenschmerz

Glaubst du noch an meine Lügen?

Do you still believe in my lies?

Heavy stuff

I love this life!

The small little black dog, of course he’s got wolf blood flowing in his veins.

that night with thunder and the bright flashes of lightning, simultaneously rattling and filling the whole living room with white light, he just lie atop the yellow sofa perfectly at peace

And he’s afraid of flies ever since he got stung once by a bee, looking over his shoulder while eating nervously

Now he gets up in the middle of the night, howling in falsetto at the moon

Because just like me, he’s three dimensional

Hello!

As I entered the pizzeria to pick up a kebab roll I ordered for my daughter on the phone I heard a strong Australian accent.

It’s not a common sight with foreigners in these areas at all, it’s for sure the first one I seen in this town this year.

Well anyway that’s just me trying to describe this rural area

So he sat there, in one of two chairs opposite the pizza station; a corpulent man in his forties maybe with a bald head and a FBI female breast inspector T-Shirt.

When he saw me enter, he looked me up and down and said I looked cool.

this is how I looked:

Very tall and handsome with long blonde hair like Yngwie Malmsteen, black sunglasses, green fjällräven jacket, green shirt, black combat shorts — which my wife says are swimming trunks, but as they don’t have genitalia net inside, I don’t think they are. Besides, why would swimming shorts have this many pockets, it doesn’t make sense — and the green paint specked crocs.

I say thanks man, I really try

But it’s not true

This is my effortless look

That’s something to be thankful for, I think.

Anyway because this fella and his friend waiting outside both seemed to be on some or other drug, I cleverly redirected his attention to the banana pizza nr 13 and he really blew a gasket

Meanwhile, I left

Took the Volvo home.