The happy place

Hello I have been talking to some friends It’s the modern miracle of science to see these faces through the screen

And anyway we were talking about separation of intent from outcome

And I thought of this line from Kamelot ”Soul Society” from ”The Black Halo” album, (which is my favourite even though my favourite song ”The Spell” is from ”Karma”)

How could I be condemned for the things that I've done  If my intentions were good?

and yes this is food for thought of course it is. Of course it is. Intenttions are all we have on the one hand: the outcome is never given, because we can only guess how it will pan out. The point is, that we should make these educated guesses and also ensure that intention and outcome walk hand in hand

But that is beside the point

The point is I once in listened to ”The Spell” (and Karma) on a burned CD which was in my friend’s black saab 9000 turbo with black leather upholstery, we were going to the gas station in the middle of the night to buy snacks for we were playing Heroes of Might and Magic: II, but were out of snacks, and so when I sat there on the passenger’s seat and my friend was speeding and this song came on and never in my life have I ever felt as cool as I did then.

Then years pass and this memory faded until I heard the Karma album many years later and I thought this is the bomb and so I listened to all of these Kamelot albums until I rediscovered Karma and The Spell and then I was a more complete human being with this aforementioned memory sitting like a black diamond on my metaphorical crown.

Did you know Roy Khan the singer (then) of Kamelot is from Norway?

Outside in places the sidewalks are dry and the gravel on there redundant, but it’s mostly wet, because the snow and ice are melting and the meltwater on the salted roads run like tears, and the trees all seem dead for now but everybody knows it’s just a matter of time til there will be green buds all over them!

And of course one day I will wake up to half a meter of dirty snow and sleet and there will be ice, just when you think about planting tomatoes, but even so, it will still be under the spring sun and sky and that’s really comforting

And I have many friends and family and they come too like spring suns and they make my life worth living

And there will grow dandelions in the cracks of the asphalt and there will be once again butterflies outside

And I feel th

There was a sunset today, and it was pink and yellow. And on the grounds lay a thick solid sheet of ice

And with these jogging shoes which are studded I went running earlier today, for I felt like a plant inside, gathering the rays of sunshine in what felt like a photosynthesis of the mind — wandering as it did in its own route, with every emotion amplified by this running — having Ava Max blasting in the earphones

Now I lie on my bed, listening to a playlist of ”the Last of the Mohicans” versions, I still think it’s the best song ever made.

That the movie was so great just makes it all better.

I don’t know for a fact if it is a good movie, but my sister and her cousin bought it on VHS for each other one Christmas, because they thought that the Mohicans were so handsome.

I think that’s true, they were, but what about this sad song

Don’t they eat a heart in that movie?

I felt like, when my sister left my life (like she didn’t care), she took a big bite of my heart, because I didn’t see it coming — even though it was so blatantly obvious in hindsight that this relationship was not bidirectional — it got my questioning my grasp on reality, and I am not sure why it hurt so bad, but I think it’s because I thought she loved me but she is not capable of that in any way I can relate to.

But I am not feeling sorry for myself I haven’t the capacity I think.

I do feel a little bit of hunger now , but the playlist isn’t done playing the Last of the Mohicans music yet and so I am spellbound to this inert state of…

I am not sure, but there’s one variant with the hurdy gurdy…

That’s a cool instrument

I think that this life is so beautiful and I am feeling in general pretty good, did you know I have been averaging on 5h/day on umamusume pretty derby since I downloaded this horse girl game? It’s just so much fun and there’s lots of decisions to make as a horse girl trainer, so many trade-offs, it’s just like in real life.

And I did

The first spring rain now is falling onto the snow covered lands and thereby is creating a dangerous surface.

Like a slush made of dirt water, ice concealed by shallow puddles

Moreover

Wet icicles falling from the roofs (all of them) onto this aforementioned ground are making the sidewalks more perilous than the roads they fringe, as the dangers there are everywhere.

And the gravel is looking dirty and hard yet they provide safety of course they do.

And today I wore my sunglasses

Because the sun shines brighter now, it’s the spring sun.

Sometimes, however, the interesting thing happens indoors:

There was a big clog in the sewage behind the shower cubicle today.

It’s always been slow, but today it reached a point where something had to be done, as shower water spilled onto the bathroom floor.

I don’t think it’s ever been cleaned out before, because to move it, first the wall mounted bathroom cabinet needs to be cleared and unmounted. Then there is enough room to move cubicle to reveal the floor drain underneath. Like a 15-puzzle or a Tetris in reverse.

I was always curious to see how it looked behind and beneath this cubicle, and have been yearning to clean it thoroughly, because it looked just like I imagined it would with the black cluster of dust moths which were satisfying to clean out.

And

In the trap was the mother of all clogs, a fascinating very solid mass of god knows what, a last living (for I felt it was a living thing) remnant from the old lady, the previous owner who died in this apartment, and thousands of other things like a complete ecosystem or something with a color I haven’t seen before oddly fascinating:

I just drew it out with my bare hands — there weren’t any gloves nearby, and having my mind made up, I now felt an urgency to handle this promptly — feeling the surprisingly solid slimy mass with something hard like eggshells inside as i pulled it out and tossed it into the bin.

and now, having put all together once more, water runs freely through the drain, better than I ever would’ve thought possible.

For some weeks now I’m having a Teams notification on the computer. I’ve got a new chat message somewhere, but when I click on it, on the icon, there’s nothing new.

Nothing is there

And yet the notification,

Were I an electron app (God forbid), then it’ll be this teams installation with this confused message which is not to be found, probably an important message hidden in some obscure channel

Or maybe just nothing

But I’ll never know and thank God I’m human although I’d like to be an elf or something but that’s off topic

We just get this hand of cards we’ll have to play as best we can

No one asks for this

It looks diry, but it’s merely heavy snowfall lit by these streetlights on the dark gray sky creating this monochromic brownish look to the world, but it’s not that cold.

There was another dog out there, my black one already scared from anticipation, and then, when the nightmares come true; right around the corner there was this mongrel attached to a young man!

He just lay there in the snow (the dog, not the boy), patiently waiting , obscured by the falling snow, and then they finally left and the

Panic in my little black dog subsided and he too was able to pee on the fresh new canvas of deep newfallen snow

And by comparison, other dog owners get to feel real smug about themselves because their dogs don’t freak out about the darkness and the

Mongrels

And

The

Luggage with wheels

I, however I have a deep understanding of how scary it might seem outside

Not only does it seem scary, it is.

It is.

Although it’s not these known horrors which are the worst: it’s the silence of those you thought were your friends or even those you counted as your family.

The sharp edge of cowardice

That’s why I’ll advice kindness always

And bravery.

I don’t want to sleep so I am listening to some music 16 horsepower and I hear also the little small black dog, snoring surprisingly loudly, for he is — like I said — very small

But his heart is bigger than the whole house

And the orange dog is resting quietly by my side. She is breathing too: I feel her chest rising and falling under my palm.

She is my favourite

These two dogs have been type of guides, because they have been leading the way out of a darkness into the warmth of spring, so to speak.

Their unrelenting love and care has been of great help.

And now I don’t want to fall asleep because I don’t want this day to end

But it will.

My friend he sent me this song “We Don’t Talk” by Hilary Duff, because she (Hilary Duff, not my friend) also has no contact with her own sister, so this song — of course — struck a chord in me.

Presumably Hilary Duff’s sister is jealous that she’s known only as Hilary Duff’s sister, rather than by her own birth name.

And I have a similar situation where I’ve only ever been happy for my sister’s prosperity, but she’s apparently always been jealous of mine

And me, I am successful (just like Hilary Duff)

But at least now I know

It’s better to know

I think

The moon outside is aglow like a pale banana lamp on the star-clear dark blue sky. A wintery fairytale!

And here sits I, with the family. and also: the fires burning in the fire place and the fires burning in my soul!

I just watched Christina Aguilera ft. Lil Kim — can’t hold us down on the TV, and it struck me like a hammer! It’s just such an awesome track! Sassy! with these small purple shorts and the other street fashion they just deliver this powerful feminist message, which saddens me somewhat to hear, because I feel we’re moving in the wrong direction lately.

Lil Kim’s line about the double standards now to me has an ominous ring to them

But the tables about to turn  I bet my fame on it

You know?

I hate man pigs! let that be plainly stated here!!

and what the fuck is a trad wife?

No thanks

🤌🤌🤌🤌

Yesterday the moon was really thin like a shut eyelid of a manga face, and there was a grayish turquoise tint to the sky, an awesome backdrop to the Lidl store I visited yesterday in the cold evening

And the smoke rising from the factories nearby looked clean and white, as if that’s where the clouds come from, but it’s not.

I have been tired these days, and I have been sleeping poorly like my brain is thinking these thoughts and it’s hard to make it stop, so I don’t. I just lie there listening to my brain’s thinking.

And honestly it feels pretty good, it’s pretty intelligent this brain of mine, but wild like a stallion like that black horse in these books I never read. (It’s not a genius brain, but in its own way it’s pretty cool)

Today The sun even pierces these shut blinds of the window where I sit trying to work, bombarding me with D vitamins

These brain thoughts and D vitamins are good things but even so they are making it harder for me to focus

But it’s Friday 🤌🤌

Some processes need to run their natural course

Manya

Fr

I am listening to Labyrinthus Stellarum, Vortex of the Worlds

A space black metal band, or something, irrelevant.

It’s atmospheric!

Anyway it sends me happy memories from when I was jogging this fall in areas where I lived in my late teenage years, so I am thinking about thinking about these memories I think, and they fill me with warmth, even though they weren’t precisely happy, but there is a sweetness to them even so.

(The jogging sent me into this familiar trance)

I sit now in front of my desk, having a recursive memory, that’s pretty cool.

Have you seen this movie ” inception”?, — it’s not quite like that.

And of what? Of what am I thinking? On the second layer? When I was young, wearing Manchester jacket, and sometimes smoking a Marlboro light through pierced lip, and of being very insecure, but with a tender kind heart mostly.

Mostly.