The happy place

There behind an anonymous gray steel door was a staircase leading downwards into

A flipper arcade.

There was an expert there, he even wore a badge around his neck

He could answer all of my questions about flipper, surprisingly I had a lot of them.

Did you know that they typically have the 7.5 degree angle (adjustable)?

And they are apparently pretty easy to repair? (He went ahead and showed me a manual which was very thick for something I myself would classify as easy to repair)

These games are like portals into these worlds they were displaying, Iron Maiden, Star Trek, fishing or whatever.

indeed they are marvels of art and engineering; I understand why some people find them fascinating

But man, they are excruciatingly boring to play, I think. I thought then that I never wanted to play flipper again.

But

I appreciated the mood, and seeing my friend having fun

Because they are my friends

I am rich that way

Lately, I have been tired in a way which sleep can’t seem to fix

And I went into the spring today, I felt the sunshine laid on me like a healing spell

And yet the happiness in me today was not enough to share, I needed all of these energies to change my own batteries

Which is a shame, because I can normally have a positive influence on my surroundings

But I haven’t been enough lately

Some times it’s just the way it is.

As I made my way home from fitness dance class, I saw a man falling haplessly on the paving stones outside the main entrance to his apartment building.

— are you OK?, I asked

— yes but the PIN code doesn’t work, he said, meaning to the door

— Do you need help getting up? I asked

— I live here, he responded now slowly getting on his feet unsteadily

He’d dropped his pizza, box lay upside down on the ground. And the plastic containers of sauce were spattered on his wallet and his phone which he’d also dropped.

He looked about to fall again, I asked

— Can I pick your stuff up for you?

— No, he replied, but you can hold the door for me.

He managed to gather his stuff, but I took the pizza and handed it to him

— this still looks edible, I said encouragingly

One hand on the door frame, he took the pizza in his hand and I saw then that his arm was incredibly muscular.

— take care now, I said as we parted ways

And with thoughts of the ruined pizza on my mind I went home

I am thinking about it still.

Aaah the spring sun is shining strongly on the dusty streets and pave walks, but in the brownish looking parks, it is possible to spot bright green grass

And I was today eating lunch where there was a buffet of pancakes, pizza, Indian food and some sort of schnitzel with potatoes and gravy, together sending a powerful message that you don’t need to choose; you can have everything at once (there was also sushi and kebab but not as part of the buffet).

And I walked with a belly full of world’s food and my back straight, gazing at the horizon.

There were two swans today by the pond.

But never mind them

Today I stumbled upon a live version of the “I Died For You” song by “Iced Earth”, and it just blew my mind.

I was in my youth a big fan of Spawn, and this track details (in the lyrics) his tragic backstory: He sold his soul to meet again with his wife, but now she’d moved on and he’s a monster.

A lonesome freak.

A little bit on being careful what you wish for and the monkeys paw and all of this, but it strikes me as so powerful that his wife now is in love with his best friend and there he stands with his cape on the other side of the window, looking in.

He’d rather been dead

That’s a tragic fate I think.

That’s very cruel fate

I’ve got my mojo back, it was in the red Volvo. In my lap there is a little black dog with dried shit in his ass, but I can’t smell it

And on the stereo is the Smiths and my wife is driving this car into the sunset.

It’s not a very beautiful scene; the sky is yellow, sure, but there are greenish brown gray clouds and the trees look black on either side of the gray road.

And now there was a clearing with this water and some gold where the sky meets the hillside like in a commercial for polar bread!

I’m going to have my beer soon, and look into the flames just like I described in my last post which was very deep.

I have been invited to two weddings but unfortunately I’ve grown too fat for any of my suit jackets so now I’m thrift store searching because sometimes they’ve got Manchester fabric and that’s what I’ll wear so help me good!!!

I can’t believe I’ll have to work tomorrow, strictly speaking I don’t have to do nothing, it’s just nice to be able to eat and have a solid roof over my head

Ok I’ll write next time I get a powerful burst of inspiration

👍

It’s the busy week where I deliver some value here and there, eat candy out of a woven basket and just try to move forward one step at a time

I have two Umamusume horse girls now with S rating, I am getting the hang of it

Maybe this evening I will have a beer and light a fire in the fireplace

Yes

I feel myself drawn to the flames they are dangerously warm and deadly, just like thousands of millions of other things

It’s all so fragile …

Do you believe in the afterlife?

I am not sure

And if there is a hell, I hope not…

I think generally this with Hell is unfair to neurotic people who picture themselves burning in Hell for masturbating, while others walk the earth as terrible people, committing atrocities, while never doubting for one second that heaven will wait for them

It’s not fair

This world

This Easter, the snow lay thick and wet like a cold blanket of misery. The rainy snow fell on my face and on my cheek it felt like icy tears.

And yes the clouds they finally gave way to let some sunshine through, but still it will take some time for all of the snow again to melt.

But it feels easier today.

I even walk around with a vague smile on my face

And I think it’ll all work out in the end.

There was blood in the sky; full moon shone strongly with red, and the night sky: purple

Beautiful and ominous

And today it’s snowing

This snow will not make it, it does not belong

But still it does, it is expected. There always will be snow and frost in spring

Because we are in a transformative phase right now.

And in this snow, I saw some buds or whatever on the trees outside.

There were snow flakes on some of them.

I shouldn’t have moved back here. History it’s repeating itself: I become fat and miserable,

Again

I have no future here.

Again

But I have opened my extra eyes now. Maybe I needed to go through this as part of my special personal journey

But that sounds like I’m reading meaning into things where there is none

A survival strategy.

There was a chill in the air today. The sun hidden but it was bright nonetheless.

And the gravel is swept off the ground, but still the city is dirty; I saw dried vomit on the sidewalk for example.

I am starting to like it here; it feels like home

I am not just a face

And the people I work with; the Germans: I will probably soon leave them, but nobody knows yet.

It’s the best assignment I am likely to ever have, and yet now is the time to move on.

There are several people there who are both kind and frankly speaking super smart, and generous with their knowledge.

I’ll make sure to let them know before I leave how much I appreciate having worked with them.

But they will not disappear off the face of this earth. I might see them again

Or maybe not

Even though nothing turned out the way I’d hoped when moving to the far north, it’ll still work out

I believe it’ll work out.

Somehow