The happy place

I don’t want to sleep so I am listening to some music 16 horsepower and I hear also the little small black dog, snoring surprisingly loudly, for he is — like I said — very small

But his heart is bigger than the whole house

And the orange dog is resting quietly by my side. She is breathing too: I feel her chest rising and falling under my palm.

She is my favourite

These two dogs have been type of guides, because they have been leading the way out of a darkness into the warmth of spring, so to speak.

Their unrelenting love and care has been of great help.

And now I don’t want to fall asleep because I don’t want this day to end

But it will.

My friend he sent me this song “We Don’t Talk” by Hilary Duff, because she (Hilary Duff, not my friend) also has no contact with her own sister, so this song — of course — struck a chord in me.

Presumably Hilary Duff’s sister is jealous that she’s known only as Hilary Duff’s sister, rather than by her own birth name.

And I have a similar situation where I’ve only ever been happy for my sister’s prosperity, but she’s apparently always been jealous of mine

And me, I am successful (just like Hilary Duff)

But at least now I know

It’s better to know

I think

The moon outside is aglow like a pale banana lamp on the star-clear dark blue sky. A wintery fairytale!

And here sits I, with the family. and also: the fires burning in the fire place and the fires burning in my soul!

I just watched Christina Aguilera ft. Lil Kim — can’t hold us down on the TV, and it struck me like a hammer! It’s just such an awesome track! Sassy! with these small purple shorts and the other street fashion they just deliver this powerful feminist message, which saddens me somewhat to hear, because I feel we’re moving in the wrong direction lately.

Lil Kim’s line about the double standards now to me has an ominous ring to them

But the tables about to turn  I bet my fame on it

You know?

I hate man pigs! let that be plainly stated here!!

and what the fuck is a trad wife?

No thanks

🤌🤌🤌🤌

Yesterday the moon was really thin like a shut eyelid of a manga face, and there was a grayish turquoise tint to the sky, an awesome backdrop to the Lidl store I visited yesterday in the cold evening

And the smoke rising from the factories nearby looked clean and white, as if that’s where the clouds come from, but it’s not.

I have been tired these days, and I have been sleeping poorly like my brain is thinking these thoughts and it’s hard to make it stop, so I don’t. I just lie there listening to my brain’s thinking.

And honestly it feels pretty good, it’s pretty intelligent this brain of mine, but wild like a stallion like that black horse in these books I never read. (It’s not a genius brain, but in its own way it’s pretty cool)

Today The sun even pierces these shut blinds of the window where I sit trying to work, bombarding me with D vitamins

These brain thoughts and D vitamins are good things but even so they are making it harder for me to focus

But it’s Friday 🤌🤌

Some processes need to run their natural course

Manya

Fr

I am listening to Labyrinthus Stellarum, Vortex of the Worlds

A space black metal band, or something, irrelevant.

It’s atmospheric!

Anyway it sends me happy memories from when I was jogging this fall in areas where I lived in my late teenage years, so I am thinking about thinking about these memories I think, and they fill me with warmth, even though they weren’t precisely happy, but there is a sweetness to them even so.

(The jogging sent me into this familiar trance)

I sit now in front of my desk, having a recursive memory, that’s pretty cool.

Have you seen this movie ” inception”?, — it’s not quite like that.

And of what? Of what am I thinking? On the second layer? When I was young, wearing Manchester jacket, and sometimes smoking a Marlboro light through pierced lip, and of being very insecure, but with a tender kind heart mostly.

Mostly.

Hello friends!

Every day is a small reincarnation ( i just thought of this right now, feeling to write some real deep stuff, you know)

Something that means something, weißt du?

So today, I was reincarnated into a slightly older version of this person I went to bed as.

Same old familiar headache and congested sinuses and the like.

But what’s new, then? Are there new opportunities opened to to me? Yes there are!

Do I feel bad today? No!!

I don’t!

Look at me! I’m feeling normal!

I’ll go fitness sporting later today, and I’m doing laundry!

Doing laundry is very therapeutic: you take all the old stinking pile of clothes with all sorts of vile dirt, and you gently jam it into the machine for washing,

Out comes these clean, warm clothes with the scent maybe of lavender!

I have no smell, i mean I sense nothing, but I know that this is the way it is!

I know it!

I see a green plant, it almost died from the ruthless storage in car while we were grocery shopping in this dead winter!!

Indeed all of the green leaves were shed only one or two green umbrellas of life protruded from the once majestic plant

But with my strong love and careful act of putting it in the kitchen by the window and then watering it carefully, now new buds are sprouting!!!

I feel the same way myself!

I see the sun shining to through the blinds, like slices of egg of sunlight on the walls of the apartment, indeed!

And behind my left eye, some sort of headache is lurking, (nothing compared to what this guy of game of thrones must feel (take a pick)).

But I’m feeling petty good all things considered

I just need to finish work for today and then I have grandiose dinner plans in the shape and form of fish fingers

I hope there will be no fingernails in there he he he

Fishes don’t even have fingers

But anyway

I’m really really exhausted

Today I’m really feeling the Monday all the way down to my bones; my eyelids are heavy and in my head is a faint headache.

It feels like I am hundreds of years old.

There are some few things of note, though. For example it is not dark

That’s good

Let’s see if I can imagine this as being a week full of opportunities

Today I was not focused enough during the fitness class to get the choreography right.

I’ve been having guilt about certain choices I’ve made, which I don’t regret nonetheless

Because they were for me

But

I’ve placed myself in an uncomfortable spot indeed, much like a nut in a nutcracker, only I am the one operating it, if you understand how this can be confusing?

And I am feeling the wrong things, why aren’t I angry?

One fine day maybe

I guess I shouldn’t crank that damn nutcracker to begin with

It’s the type of situation where I am clearly an idiot man.

Let go of the fucking handle , idiot man!

---

hey I have listened to Johnny Cash by Fred Eaglesmith all day, a powerful song about all of the shallow so called fans of Johnny Cash who only listened to him when he was dead or covered Hurt by Nine Inch Nails, but in 1989 when Cash was struggling they were all listening to heavy metal; they couldn’t care less…

I can’t explain why, but these lyrics are so good and I myself is exempt I think because I am too young to have been listening to him when he was alive, I mean.

I mean I really don’t care either way

I just want to live and die in peace

One time when I was running slowly around a pond by the camping one evening, there was a boat by the dock with the diving tower, dredging for a corpse.

The next day, young children and grown ups were swimming in there as usual, with their colourful bathing suits on, or just having a wonderful time at the sun lit beach, casually sunbathing or drinking slush from the kiosk by the tall pine trees nearby.

Happy children or adults with giant bellies back flipping off the diving tower, then returning to surface, but this boy didn’t.

Imagine having survived fleeing from war and poverty, the hazardous boat trip across the Mediterranean Sea, only to drown in this way..

And that I just jogged past this boat like it was just another day as any other, because it was.