For some weeks now I’m having a Teams notification on the computer. I’ve got a new chat message somewhere, but when I click on it, on the icon, there’s nothing new.
Nothing is there
And yet the notification,
Were I an electron app (God forbid), then it’ll be this teams installation with this confused message which is not to be found, probably an important message hidden in some obscure channel
Or maybe just nothing
But I’ll never know and thank God I’m human although I’d like to be an elf or something but that’s off topic
We just get this hand of cards we’ll have to play as best we can
It looks diry, but it’s merely heavy snowfall lit by these streetlights on the dark gray sky creating this monochromic brownish look to the world, but it’s not that cold.
There was another dog out there, my black one already scared from anticipation, and then, when the nightmares come true; right around the corner there was this mongrel attached to a young man!
He just lay there in the snow (the dog, not the boy), patiently waiting , obscured by the falling snow, and then they finally left and the
Panic in my little black dog subsided and he too was able to pee on the fresh new canvas of deep newfallen snow
And by comparison, other dog owners get to feel real smug about themselves because their dogs don’t freak out about the darkness and the
Mongrels
And
The
Luggage with wheels
I, however I have a deep understanding of how scary it might seem outside
Not only does it seem scary, it is.
It is.
Although it’s not these known horrors which are the worst: it’s the silence of those you thought were your friends or even those you counted as your family.
I don’t want to sleep so I am listening to some music 16 horsepower and I hear also the little small black dog, snoring surprisingly loudly, for he is — like I said — very small
But his heart is bigger than the whole house
And the orange dog is resting quietly by my side. She is breathing too: I feel her chest rising and falling under my palm.
She is my favourite
These two dogs have been type of guides, because they have been leading the way out of a darkness into the warmth of spring, so to speak.
Their unrelenting love and care has been of great help.
And now I don’t want to fall asleep because I don’t want this day to end
But it will.
My friend he sent me this song “We Don’t Talk” by Hilary Duff, because she (Hilary Duff, not my friend) also has no contact with her own sister, so this song — of course — struck a chord in me.
Presumably Hilary Duff’s sister is jealous that she’s known only as Hilary Duff’s sister, rather than by her own birth name.
And I have a similar situation where I’ve only ever been happy for my sister’s prosperity, but she’s apparently always been jealous of mine
The moon outside is aglow like a pale banana lamp on the star-clear dark blue sky. A wintery fairytale!
And here sits I, with the family. and also: the fires burning in the fire place and the fires burning in my soul!
I just watched Christina Aguilera ft. Lil Kim — can’t hold us down on the TV, and it struck me like a hammer! It’s just such an awesome track! Sassy! with these small purple shorts and the other street fashion they just deliver this powerful feminist message, which saddens me somewhat to hear, because I feel we’re moving in the wrong direction lately.
Lil Kim’s line about the double standards now to me has an ominous ring to them
But the tables about to turn
I bet my fame on it
You know?
I hate man pigs! let that be plainly stated here!!
Yesterday the moon was really thin like a shut eyelid of a manga face, and there was a grayish turquoise tint to the sky, an awesome backdrop to the Lidl store I visited yesterday in the cold evening
And the smoke rising from the factories nearby looked clean and white, as if that’s where the clouds come from, but it’s not.
I have been tired these days, and I have been sleeping poorly like my brain is thinking these thoughts and it’s hard to make it stop, so I don’t. I just lie there listening to my brain’s thinking.
And honestly it feels pretty good, it’s pretty intelligent this brain of mine, but wild like a stallion like that black horse in these books I never read. (It’s not a genius brain, but in its own way it’s pretty cool)
Today The sun even pierces these shut blinds of the window where I sit trying to work, bombarding me with D vitamins
These brain thoughts and D vitamins are good things but even so they are making it harder for me to focus
I am listening to Labyrinthus Stellarum, Vortex of the Worlds
A space black metal band, or something, irrelevant.
It’s atmospheric!
Anyway it sends me happy memories from when I was jogging this fall in areas where I lived in my late teenage years, so I am thinking about thinking about these memories I think, and they fill me with warmth, even though they weren’t precisely happy, but there is a sweetness to them even so.
(The jogging sent me into this familiar trance)
I sit now in front of my desk, having a recursive memory, that’s pretty cool.
Have you seen this movie ” inception”?, — it’s not quite like that.
And of what? Of what am I thinking? On the second layer? When I was young, wearing Manchester jacket, and sometimes smoking a Marlboro light through pierced lip, and of being very insecure, but with a tender kind heart mostly.
Every day is a small reincarnation ( i just thought of this right now, feeling to write some real deep stuff, you know)
Something that means something, weißt du?
So today, I was reincarnated into a slightly older version of this person I went to bed as.
Same old familiar headache and congested sinuses and the like.
But what’s new, then? Are there new opportunities opened to to me? Yes there are!
Do I feel bad today? No!!
I don’t!
Look at me! I’m feeling normal!
I’ll go fitness sporting later today, and I’m doing laundry!
Doing laundry is very therapeutic: you take all the old stinking pile of clothes with all sorts of vile dirt, and you gently jam it into the machine for washing,
Out comes these clean, warm clothes with the scent maybe of lavender!
I have no smell, i mean I sense nothing, but I know that this is the way it is!
I know it!
I see a green plant, it almost died from the ruthless storage in car while we were grocery shopping in this dead winter!!
Indeed all of the green leaves were shed only one or two green umbrellas of life protruded from the once majestic plant
But with my strong love and careful act of putting it in the kitchen by the window and then watering it carefully, now new buds are sprouting!!!