The happy place

Chillin, listening to :Wumpscut: again, thorns: Tonight you sleep in hell 🤘🤘

Speaking of which, one of the greatest songs of all time is Slaid Cleaves ”Breakfast in hell”

It’s about these lumberjacks risking their lives every day, dying for example trying to fix a logjam

They all knew in a second or two  He'd be crushed or frozen or drowned

that’s hard work

That’s hard work

That’s hard work, and for what?

It’s not about the Bugatti — that’s just hot smoke!

It’s not

It’s cause it needs doing.

Talk about work bitch, tell that to the sweatshop workers, chained to the sewing machines.

Or to that guy who fell off his truck, and bloated from internal bleeding still finished his route

He just wished to eat at the buffet with his wife!!

How disconnected from reality, I think, do you have to be to write such a song: work bitch by Britney Spears?

Still love her though, i can hold more than one thought in my head ✌️

There was sunlight today, gods be thanked!

And look, I did one unit of work, listening to music. Teleconferencing.

Drinking coffee

And somewhere around me, life is going on chaotically.

And even as I try my best, chaos has got a strong hold here, it’s a constant struggle to bring order

And I have got my head full of chaos too

And there’s just the endless struggle to bring order everywhere,

a task which is doomed to fail.

but it could be, that which looks like chaos, on closer inspection is in perfect order, like

The ants

#poetry

I was sat on the ground, harvesting potatoes. That sunflower really did tower above me as I did, and higher above still, the sun shone pleasantly.

I have been working, like Spider-Man I have been jumping between kubernetes clusters and what else is there?

I have been trying to write, but it’s like I have to penetrate this bubble of nausea each time, did that ever happen to you?

It’s like a dumpster in the head, feels like sifting through garbage, something smells unpleasantly, and it’s all me! All of these things up there!

But to enter into the sun, and focus a little bit on these potatoes, like a treasure hunt, taking pleasure in the sun, shining indiscriminately.

Or sitting inside with that coffee cup, pretending to be spider man like that, when everyone knows that’s not true,

But what else can I do?

I really get it, why people say not to dwell on the past,

But I can’t do that, I’m no coward

For God’s sake, I’m pretending to be spider man!

it’s cold outside, it’s black, and it’s raining

I’m having cough some asthma allergy attack no doubt, and I’m inside on the bed with the dogs

And all is well

A few days ago, on the road we saw a toad big as a soccer ball. We had to swerve to avoid running it over,

But it made it

I don’t think I’ll ever see such a big toad in my life again

Isn’t life strange?

Once in my youth, at a shabby cafe, there was this young punk rocker girl with piercings and stuff like that. I was sitting at her table even though I didn’t know her, due perhaps to some common friend or whatever. Anyway, she said she told social services that she was homeless, to which the social worker responded: but we don’t have any homeless people in our municipality.

Hey I almost forgot to write that I saw the moon the other day, not full but with a warm, almost orange glow, and the sky was deep blue with stars?

But I’m smitten by a terrible illness (a cold) and have been bedridden inside, while the sun is shining down the last summer days

Or the moon, as I described.

It’s a comforting thought, the indifference of nature or the world, but it’s unsettling nonetheless

I am the centre only of my own world, just like everyone else, including the frogs

I’ve been eating giant French fries off the air fryer. I could’ve pictured myself a dwarf or a halfling when eating them, but I didn’t. It’s an opportunity missed

I drank half a bottle no more of champagne

But it might’ve been a small bottle, and regular French fries, only I was the halfling all along

And now we’re watching terminator 2

And even though I’ve not seen it in a long time, i know it well, I know what they’re gonna say

And the soundtrack is very good too, very cool

And beware: this is the path we’re on

with Skynet

It’ll be worse before it gets better just take one for breadth

Spread your wings and fly

I thick I know what I’ll tattoo:

— A butterfly

The full moon has been shining big on the sky all week, infusing me with Lupine radiance. Today, however, the moon was only 80% full. Ironically its shine was the strongest one of all.

That’s a comforting thought, I think

I can’t believe how lucky I am with all of these things I have got going for me, how loved I am and what a meaningful (by my own measure) life I live

And yet at the same time, I’m really struggling

It doesn’t make no sense

To say I’m not clever enough to grasp it all may be true, but I’m not going to use that as an excuse not to try

Sometimes I think it’s cowardice standing in my way of making sense of this life, you know

How uncomfortable it can be to look into the mirror and

And sometimes other people too

Sometimes they aren’t what you think

Sometimes you know this I know this, and at the same time not

But also have some self compassion

Where is my self compassion

Where did I put it

I’m confused now, because I just discovered it and I’m still not sure

How to use it

#poetry

Outside, the whole day, rain has been falling from a monochromatic gray smudge which is both a fog rising from the ground and the clouds overhead.

And there are brown dirt roads with puddled pot holes. Brown slugs are crawling up on the furniture, litter bins and whatever is left lying on the ground

And I only did sleep for three hours, my mind thoughts spinning out of control throughout the night

But then, a big rainbow and a big yellow sun

Green almost yellow illuminated grass

And my friend came visiting with his girlfriend and a small baby child they’d made.

And he was tall just like me with gray streaked beard just like me, long hair in a ponytail and round glasses, just like me

But he’d made these big earrings, you know, and he’s got some tattoos too, and today he was wearing a Slayer t shirt. It’s never been my taste, slayer.

So objectively he was a little bit cooler with this wild style, some would say

And then, as it turns out, we were both running Manjaro Linux

And then they left

There are some people you’ve not talked much for years but it’s still the same when you meet, you know? He’s like that

I think

Thank you for your time

listening to dark tranquillity and working like a machine right now,

We carry our fear inside,

A space that holds the darkness,

We stretch our skin around,

To cover the Abyss

And I didn’t know I had this much mojo anymore, I couldn’t believe it when running the route, because my whole body felt rusted, every movement was provoking a resigned protest from this body I’m in

It’s not the one I would’ve chosen, but it is mine

And the sun did me some good, like an exorcism with this running around getting nowhere, it’s supposed to feel this way

But the curse has lifted

And with this sun shining down on me, I enter into the week end