The happy place

It’s the busy week where I deliver some value here and there, eat candy out of a woven basket and just try to move forward one step at a time

I have two Umamusume horse girls now with S rating, I am getting the hang of it

Maybe this evening I will have a beer and light a fire in the fireplace

Yes

I feel myself drawn to the flames they are dangerously warm and deadly, just like thousands of millions of other things

It’s all so fragile …

Do you believe in the afterlife?

I am not sure

And if there is a hell, I hope not…

I think generally this with Hell is unfair to neurotic people who picture themselves burning in Hell for masturbating, while others walk the earth as terrible people, committing atrocities, while never doubting for one second that heaven will wait for them

It’s not fair

This world

This Easter, the snow lay thick and wet like a cold blanket of misery. The rainy snow fell on my face and on my cheek it felt like icy tears.

And yes the clouds they finally gave way to let some sunshine through, but still it will take some time for all of the snow again to melt.

But it feels easier today.

I even walk around with a vague smile on my face

And I think it’ll all work out in the end.

There was blood in the sky; full moon shone strongly with red, and the night sky: purple

Beautiful and ominous

And today it’s snowing

This snow will not make it, it does not belong

But still it does, it is expected. There always will be snow and frost in spring

Because we are in a transformative phase right now.

And in this snow, I saw some buds or whatever on the trees outside.

There were snow flakes on some of them.

I shouldn’t have moved back here. History it’s repeating itself: I become fat and miserable,

Again

I have no future here.

Again

But I have opened my extra eyes now. Maybe I needed to go through this as part of my special personal journey

But that sounds like I’m reading meaning into things where there is none

A survival strategy.

There was a chill in the air today. The sun hidden but it was bright nonetheless.

And the gravel is swept off the ground, but still the city is dirty; I saw dried vomit on the sidewalk for example.

I am starting to like it here; it feels like home

I am not just a face

And the people I work with; the Germans: I will probably soon leave them, but nobody knows yet.

It’s the best assignment I am likely to ever have, and yet now is the time to move on.

There are several people there who are both kind and frankly speaking super smart, and generous with their knowledge.

I’ll make sure to let them know before I leave how much I appreciate having worked with them.

But they will not disappear off the face of this earth. I might see them again

Or maybe not

Even though nothing turned out the way I’d hoped when moving to the far north, it’ll still work out

I believe it’ll work out.

Somehow

I dreamed that we were living in my grandmother’s house, the one I grew up in.

We’d inherited her dog, it was translucent and blue, with surface like that of a peeled grape or a cartoon jellyfish.

It was OK to eat this dog, it didn’t harm it.

There were pieces falling off it looking like gelatinous candy, which tasted very synthetic and bad, like of something chemical or the rind of an orange.

And there was someone smoking in the TV room

And the walls were nicotine yellow from the smoke

And I didn’t want my wife to find about the smoker, because it was some relative of mine: an old hag.

But then I woke up

I am at work today

My head is filled with smog

That’s right

There’s a basket here. It’s filled with Easter candy.

Many years ago, exactly, there was an egg brought by a consultant.

It feels like an earlier life: different city, different office landscape, different job, different people,

I was different too.

And the egg was different; there were hundreds of maggots crawling around the candies therein.

Unfortunately

During the weekend, there was vomit on each sidewalk.

And broken glass of course.

Like the whole town was hungover.

But today again there’s people out.

But I’m inside, having a great time with my work and my coffee and some music in the earphones.

I’ll have to enjoy myself before AI comes for my job.

And then what?

My hair, it’s thinner. It used to be I would grab my hair it would amount to four portions of pasta, but now it’s not enough even for one.

And the beard is getting gray

I am fading from this world.

I dreamt last night that my wife had bought these pan pizzas, you know the type you put in the microwave and cook for two minutes

And that on these pizzas were the flavour of bees

But all of the bees — there were lots of them — were dissolved by the honey

Like bees stuck inside pollenated figs

They tasted only of pan pizza and honey

But I knew that there were bees there

I expected to be stung, but I wasn’t

I didn’t finish my slice

Because in the dream, I’d lost my appetite.

When I woke up, I still had the memory of feeling being stung on the tongue

When I sat by the computer today, I left the window slightly ajar, so that I felt the chill spring wind on my back, and next to me I had my dog.

The orange dog, she spends the day mostly sleeping while I work. When she does, her eyes resemble two em dashes — — , and on her face is the faintest little smile which makes her look so serene. (Like this: —◡— )

The cats, on the other hand, now sit next to each other by the opened window, miaowing miserably; trapped as they are, inside this little apartment.

On the computer, there was a lot of heated discussions back and forth. Some people even expressed various forms of disappointments (I’m being vague on purpose), but I have learned that managing other people’s feelings is out of scope; managing my own is more than enough for me.

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I later went to the office (because now it’s next day, I never published yesterday).

I was walking in the heavy rain which made the world feel smaller and softer. For all the coldness there was something cozy about the whole thing.

On my way to the office building, I might’ve let a drug addict in, but it could also have been a fronted developer.

Or a combination

Now having completed yet another Umamusume: Pretty Derby A+ run and eaten a soggy cold McDonalds apple pie, lying on the bed next to the little dog, I feel this weird sense of contentment.

Straddled at the mouth of the port of Rhodes, it’s said there once stood the Colossus, letting triremes pass between its legs.

Once I was in Greece with my parents. With my white sun bleached hair I might have resembled an albino with my blood red nipples as an extra pair of misplaced eyes.

Wearing my T-Shirt and a pair of swimming goggles, I was set to swim between the legs of a Greek man.

However, on seeing — when navigating the murky waters of the Mediterranean Sea — his penis hanging out through the open fly of his white boxers, I changed my mind.

It would’ve been infeasible for the Ancient Greeks to build the Colossus in such a way that he was actually straddling a body of water. He must’ve been standing on land.

And now it’s just dust…

And the man whose legs I didn’t swim through after all, who didn’t have the sense even to put a pair of proper bathing shorts on,

He was no Helios.