The happy place

I am listening to Labyrinthus Stellarum, Vortex of the Worlds

An space black metal band, or something, irrelevant.

It’s atmospheric!

Anyway it sends me happy memories from when I was jogging this fall in areas where I lived in my late teenage years, so I am thinking about thinking about these memories I think, and they fill me with warmth, even though they weren’t precisely happy, but there is a sweetness to them even so.

(The jogging sent me into this familiar trance)

I sit now in front of my desk, having a recursive memory, that’s pretty cool.

Have you seen this movie ” inception”?, — it’s not quite like that.

And of what? Of what am I thinking? On the second layer? When I was young, wearing Manchester jacket, and sometimes smoking a Marlboro light through pierced lip, and of being very insecure, but with a tender kind heart mostly.

Mostly.

Hello friends!

Every day is a small reincarnation ( i just thought of this right now, feeling to write some real deep stuff, you know)

Something that means something, weißt du?

So today, I was reincarnated into a slightly older version of this person I went to bed as.

Same old familiar headache and congested sinuses and the like.

But what’s new, then? Are there new opportunities opened to to me? Yes there are!

Do I feel bad today? No!!

I don’t!

Look at me! I’m feeling normal!

I’ll go fitness sporting later today, and I’m doing laundry!

Doing laundry is very therapeutic: you take all the old stinking pile of clothes with all sorts of vile dirt, and you gently jam it into the machine for washing,

Out comes these clean, warm clothes with the scent maybe of lavender!

I have no smell, i mean I sense nothing, but I know that this is the way it is!

I know it!

I see a green plant, it almost died from the ruthless storage in car while we were grocery shopping in this dead winter!!

Indeed all of the green leaves were shed only one or two green umbrellas of life protruded from the once majestic plant

But with my strong love and careful act of putting it in the kitchen by the window and then watering it carefully, now new buds are sprouting!!!

I feel the same way myself!

I see the sun shining to through the blinds, like slices of egg of sunlight on the walls of the apartment, indeed!

And behind my left eye, some sort of headache is lurking, (nothing compared to what this guy of game of thrones must feel (take a pick)).

But I’m feeling petty good all things considered

I just need to finish work for today and then I have grandiose dinner plans in the shape and form of fish fingers

I hope there will be no fingernails in there he he he

Fishes don’t even have fingers

But anyway

I’m really really exhausted

Today I’m really feeling the Monday all the way down to my bones; my eyelids are heavy and in my head is a faint headache.

It feels like I am hundreds of years old.

There are some few things of note, though. For example it is not dark

That’s good

Let’s see if I can imagine this as being a week full of opportunities

Today I was not focused enough during the fitness class to get the choreography right.

I’ve been having guilt about certain choices I’ve made, which I don’t regret nonetheless

Because they were for me

But

I’ve placed myself in an uncomfortable spot indeed, much like a nut in a nutcracker, only I am the one operating it, if you understand how this can be confusing?

And I am feeling the wrong things, why aren’t I angry?

One fine day maybe

I guess I shouldn’t crank that damn nutcracker to begin with

It’s the type of situation where I am clearly an idiot man.

Let go of the fucking handle , idiot man!

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hey I have listened to Johnny Cash by Fred Eaglesmith all day, a powerful song about all of the shallow so called fans of Johnny Cash who only listened to him when he was dead or covered Hurt by Nine Inch Nails, but in 1989 when Cash was struggling they were all listening to heavy metal; they couldn’t care less…

I can’t explain why, but these lyrics are so good and I myself is exempt I think because I am too young to have been listening to him when he was alive, I mean.

I mean I really don’t care either way

I just want to live and die in peace

One time when I was running slowly around a pond by the camping one evening, there was a boat by the dock with the diving tower, dredging for a corpse.

The next day, young children and grown ups were swimming in there as usual, with their colourful bathing suits on, or just having a wonderful time at the sun lit beach, casually sunbathing or drinking slush from the kiosk by the tall pine trees nearby.

Happy children or adults with giant bellies back flipping off the diving tower, then returning to surface, but this boy didn’t.

Imagine having survived fleeing from war and poverty, the hazardous boat trip across the Mediterranean Sea, only to drown in this way..

And that I just jogged past this boat like it was just another day as any other, because it was.

I’m thinking that I’ve been a dead fish floating downstream for a long time, but then suddenly I’ve come to life swimming upstream, unable to complain because no words come out of my fish lips, only bubbles, and suddenly I feel the strong current trying to drag me with it, but not me! I swim nimbly with muscular movements and lo and behold even I make it up this waterfall.

I know that that’s where the bears are, I’m not stupid. And yet these dangers must be faced, even though this is just a matter of luck, isn’t it?

It’s just a matter of luck. Being a fish in this example, is also just luck (or lack thereof)

The only real choice was coming alive swimming upstream

And for someone such as me, it wasn’t a choice at all!

Today I had this dust cloth sticking out of my back jeans pocket. While I was cleaning sexily.

Later the same day when at the grocery store I saw this sausage type of meat pressed into the shape and form of a teddy bear, you know? For children…

Much like the HP inkjet printer, this too I think of as an object of pure evil.

The sadistic smile of this teddy bear made of thousands of pig carcasses like taken from a nightmare !!

I like the ”Britney Jean” album , even though I think ”Work Bitch” is the weakest track, it’s just selling a bad dream; I didn’t even know what a mazerati was — it’s just some car, you know?

Like I know several people busting their backs, working their asses off helping people live and die with dignity, earning next to nothing?

Of others trucking day and night with bad knees on this ice, far away from loved ones, peeing in bottles and then falling off that tail lift severely injuring themselves but only after the shift is over do they bloat from internal bleedings and nearly die?

The game is rigged.

In the ”Perfume” (I like it more of course I do) track I think it’s clever that she wants the other woman to smell her perfume, you know?

It’s the exact same theme in ”dark lady” by Cher , have you thought about this?

Britney could’ve been the Dark lady herself working her black magic with this perfume trick.

So now when my mind is freer from anxiety I have space in there to think such profound thoughts

I feel I’m getting my mojo back!

At work I amuse myself by writing bad English sentences. It’s just something I find to be a little bit funny, but under the surface lies a lesson learned (from first law trilogy) to make them underestimate you, and then when you flash bright like a lightning bolt, it’ll dazzle and blind them.

When you shine bright like a diamond

Hey when I was in Barcelona my sister (in law, the other one is dead to me) sent me the Diamond track from Rihanna and I just love the theme and song and I don’t care that diamonds don’t actually shine, because neither does the moon.

I just hope this feeling won’t subside

But of course it will

I’m glad Kanye west is (also) feeling better now