The happy place

Headache Sunday, the apples were brown inside. However, the moon shone full and bright like a night lamp out there! Out there, the air was and is fresh, but cold. A bone chilling cold which you die in for sure if you lose consciousness out there for some reason, maybe from a falling tree branch or a brown apple which knocks you out or something.

I’ve been experimenting with some alternative career paths and there was this test where basically you should count adjacent nodes on a grid etc, but I got some type of brain fart, maybe cause of a time aspect and it didn’t turn out very well. There was this show on the TV when I was a child, on there a guy he was going to paint some graffiti on his girlfriend’s wall in her room, but it turned out very badly, looked like shit. He said it was because of the cap. The cap I presume from the spray can, but I’m not sure as I’ve only used such colours to paint my 486 PC gold when I was young. He must’ve felt some similar pressure or something, I think, and now it’s sort of stuck up there, in the head; How I should’ve done it differently and neater. And most of all that it’s not at all a very complex problem.

Now it’s stuck in the brain compartment of embarrassing and/or unpleasant memories and failures which surface when you least expect them, sending a shiver through the system.

I had an interesting dream which is not very clear unfortunately. It was something with high (as in on high altitude like in a tree or a mountain) colourful buildings like huts and people living in there and there were superpowers and people could fly. The flying people were also colourful and smaller with proportions like from a cartoon but still serious, and I punched holes in the wall to create windows and it was some adventure aspect and when I woke up I wanted to go back to sleep to continue dreaming but there was a nonspecific scary aspect to the dream with something with mandibles which I think is from the Witcher book spilling into my dream.

Compared to that, the day was rather bland if not unpleasant.

And the little dog bites me.

haven’t been able to write really because I’ve been watching downtown abbey and of course this taught and teaches me a lot about the aristocracy. Like how useless they were, can’t do nothing without a servant? Don’t do nothing useful just having tea, arranging bazaars and picnics. And yet also aloof. It’s an interesting contrast with a strong dissonance between their perception of reality and reality itself which teaches a valuable lesson I think.

Mhmm

America didn’t have much of an aristocracy in the same sense, not like in Europe, but instead I’ve seen or heard about some people of fine breed who spend all day clueless but still expecting to be obeyed filling out useless blueprints in confluence.

Anyhow enough about that can’t write more now, his lordship is disappointed with (can’t say won’t spoil) who has taken a (presumably) romantic interest in a mere school teacher far below his station!!

That much is not to spoil I think; his lordship is disappointed at something in every episode.

I dreamt that we were going out into the night in a big city to go to a pub or a bar. I was with a friend and we were going to meet up with some people including my mum and my sister, and as my friend was talking to one of them to arrange where to meet, as he or she was hanging up, they mentioned another place in a different part of town, thereby creating an ambiguity.

We went by subway to one of the places. It was dark outside and wet. The bar where we were going to meet up looked cave like as if it’d been blasted out of the rock and had a yellowish paint in the ceiling.

They weren’t there.

As I bent over to talk to someone at the table next to us, I hit my head on a recess in the yellowish rock like ceiling and when I looked back to where my friend used to sit, he or she was no longer there.

I was alone.

Then I woke up real quick for a toilet break from the dreaming.

The next dream w was that we had four cars. One of them could be folded so as to take up less space.

It was a slight disappointment when walking up to realise that the foldable car didn’t really exist.

It feels a little bit better today, because I went for a run, but not good.

There were only a handful of stars up there in the dark blue sunset, but the snow was glittering like in a fairy tale. I didn’t see the moon.

The new little dog is very small and very black. Sometimes the whites around his pupils are visible in his wonky little eyes. He looks like a stuffed toy bear or a bat. He’s got teeth like staples and he bites my nose.

Bella; the big small dog, she can tolerate the puppy. That’s all one can ask for at this point because although cut, he is also annoying.

I’m solving crossword puzzles. I’m doing it with a permanent ballpoint pen. That’s how confident I am.

We are on the way home again. Already there are some traces of snow again. It thickens as we drive north. The feeling of rightness increases with the snow.

We are picking the little dog up along the way.

It’s been hard to sleep lately, and for some reason waking up has been a disappointment. Though I love life. I know I ought to be thankful, which I am.

Mother in law’s boyfriend went along for Christmas. He is hunch backed like Quasimodo, has a thin black moustache, black mop of hair and black clothes. He mumbles to himself non stop and overall is a strange man which normally I’d appreciate, but he is strange also in a bad way; He likes to show pictures which he takes covertly with his iPhone in the grocery store or other such places of people who look funny to him, for example if they are obese or he think they are ugly. He’s collecting some sort of freak show in his phone, which he shows like a compulsion or something, because it’s not like he’s encouraged. Maybe he relishes the reactions he provokes or something, who knows?

After having complained non stop for a while about the movie we were watching he fell asleep. I got a sense of Deja vu then, because he complained about exactly the same things on exactly the same places last Christmas too when we were watching exactly the same film. Enchanted.

When he fell asleep we were joking that we should take pictures of him and show people to see how he liked that, because he’d taken pictures of a sleeping woman on the train on the way to us which he insisted on showing. He didn’t appreciate that and said to my daughter who is twelve that she is mean just like her mother (my wife (even though she picked the fucker up from the train station)). Then, sensing that he’d crossed the line he went to his room and there he stayed until 15:30 the following day.

With him gone, finally I started enjoying Christmas.

If I can help it, next year I’ll do Christmas without him.

I reckon now is the best time of the Christmas; all of the stuff is done/ the food, the fetching of relatives from the train station, the cleaning and even the eating is done. The dish is mostly put into the dishwasher, the Christmas wrappings are in a big plastic bag and the small children are sleeping.

Now is just the pleasant feeling of being among loved ones and watching TV. The feeling of not having to do anything in particular and the warmth of kindness and the contentment of being well fed.

Speaking of the gap toothed goth, she was always unpleasant to spend time with. We used to do that every Christmas, even though she and I kept our interactions to a minimum because we were incompatible. Once when we were young, before she was goth and gap toothed and when we were very young, maybe ten, she sat on the metallic bucket of cheese doodles and farted loudly, sound amplified by the bucket, just to make them inedible for the rest of us.

That sums her up pretty good, I think.

I’m chilling downstairs with the little dog.

We’re at my sister in law’s today. They do also live in the northern hemisphere but outside of the EU in a relatively more tropical climate as they have no snow, it’s just wet.

I’m concerned about the German economy and I have a mild headache that’s been there in the middle of the head.

I’ve not read very much. I’ve just had this mild headache and a slight feeling of being off key, like something’s not right up there.

👆

It’s the sadness goblin that’s been visiting the family lately, only leaving the dog unaffected.

I love my dog.

The darkest day of the year for us inhabitants of the northern hemisphere is now behind us.

I’m at my sister in law’s family for Christmas.

It’s very nice.

Here’s a memory I don’t like:

Once when in her teens my bigger sister was a Goth. Her cousin (arguably this is also my cousin but I’ve never felt any kinship with her) would always come visiting during summer. She too was goth but with a broken front tooth. They liked to spend their summers together, listening to My Dying Bride and wearing fishnet stockings over their arms and such typical goth stuff, and they did go to a lot of parties where young people would drink and have premarital sex.

This time for the summer visit, the cousin had brought a friend with her. A normal friend who wasn’t Goth and who didn’t know my family or anything, she knew only my sister’s cousin and for whatever reason she came along.

We did have a huge birch tree outside of our house which we’d built a treehouse in, or at least the flooring of one, a few years prior when we were of treehouse building age.

They did lure this normal person up into the treehouse somehow, and then removed the ladder and went inside, leaving her alone up there, unable to get down safely. They went in and after some time started making mashed bananas which they poured salt on. They were gonna feed that to her, but I’d already put the ladder back by the time they went back outside.

Must’ve been a terrible summer break for this friend of my cousin. She didn’t come the next time. I never saw her again.

I think about this from time to time and feel bad about this “friend“, but I’m sure my sister hasn’t because she appears unable to think about anyone besides herself.

Yesterday when I was out in the blackness of the night, the sky was very cloudy and so it looked like a sort of blanket over the stars which weren’t visible, but they gave a silvery golden glow to the dark clouds. It looked ominous but yet at the same time not bleak

It looked more like a gothic horror sky than a cyberpunk like sky with the TV set on a dead channel. (That with the TV is from the opening in Neuromancer, Chiba City Blues or something. It’s one of the best openings I’ve read.)

Nonetheless, there was in the middle of there, in the sky, a little square shaped window in the clouds and through that opening shone the full moon. I saw the full shape of the full moon through there. Just for ~ five minutes.

If that isn’t a sign from above, a signal to keep struggling or whatever, then I don’t know what is!!?

Ambivalence .

My life is a fruit salad of sorts. There’s kiwi and pineapple, apple and banana, right?

A lot.

Now I just need to get the onions out of there, as they are ruining it, obviously..

There are two pieces right now which I’ll need to carefully extract.

The first one is all of my managers like I told about some days ago.

The second, most pungent one is a bit tricky as it involves my sister.

One can argue that one should not let such things affect, and just eat the salad, as it’s nutritious and all of that.

That may very well be true, but I’ve got my sense of smell back and it amplifies the pungency of the taste.

The taste of bullshit.