The happy place

I am in the city.

Just got a package from my aunt — the kind one — and therein I found birthday gifts for myself.

One was with a black panther printed on a blue T-Shirt. I am wearing it now. It’s a little bit tight but that’s OK; some people think wearing tight clothes is sexy.

It’s a very thoughtful gift. I like cool motives like feral beasts or of the occult. It’s the darkness I’ve got churning deep inside.

I think denying the darkness is dangerous. It’s false to pretend and the biggest, most dangerous lies are the ones we tell ourselves just to get by.

On the other hand: deep introspection, looking inwards at the darkness is blinding, like looking straight at the sun. There’s danger.

It’s the yin-yang. That’s the solution.

It’s a challenge to face the sky when you need to walk the narrow path, however: if you stumble, there’s an abyss waiting, or a hole deep enough to drown in.

Hello good evening good afternoon! Good morning!

Who needs a hug? A frog? A friend? A dog?

Today we lit a candle to commemorate my late grandmother, by the grove where her ashes are scattered.

It’s a beautiful place by the lake. In the darkness, the water reflected all the candles lit on the graves and in the grove — they looked like stars, and the church stood white against the black sky.

And I thought: this is what dignity looks like.

On our way back, we bought candy so that the children could celebrate halloween. It’s a fine thing to be able to put a smile on their cute little faces. It’s important to remember just how little it takes to make someone smile.

It’s important to be kind. Life is hard enough already for everyone involved and thus we can light small metaphorical candles to warm those nearby.

Literal candles to commemorate the dead, metaphorical ones for the living.

It was supposed to have been heathen in the last text, not Heather. But the screen is too small when i write in the phone. It’s an UX issue.

Speaking of which, I had something related on my mind, which I forgot.

I dreamt I was in Germany, looking for my colleagues who were all having beer in this what can best be described as: A building much like a big colosseum, with all of the stuff you find both on an airport and a ferry cruise ship (the intersection so neither airplanes nor life boats, but restaurants, pubs, a tax free shop, etc.)

I couldn’t find the place, it was supposed to be a fairly large cozily lit place with wooden long benches and people drinking beers through big pitchers with handles, (like the IOS beer 🍺 emoji, but bigger).

Up and down I went through the escalators but I saw only souvenir shops, tax free shops with perfumes and stuff like this, until I went to the very bottom centre where a brightly lit round pool was, which was empty.

The vision of the pool was strong: clear blue water with ripples, bluer than average and there was chlorine in there. The pool itself made of glossy white ceramic tiles of the typical bath house variety, rectangular.

There I concluded that I must’ve visited the wrong date, I’d gotten it all wrong.

Even though the place ought to have been there even on the wrong date. This fact was irrelevant in the dream.

How I reacted to this was apparently to wake up to find myself in bed and then I forgot all about it until now, for some reason this memory seems to have overwritten the one I had which was related to the UX experience.

That’s interesting.

Today the grounds were wet from the past weeks’ ceaseless rain. There were brown puddles on the fields.

The air felt cold, and yet the sun shone down from heaven, a clear ray through the opening between two big clouds.

The land in general is orange and sometimes yellow. Most trees still cling to their leaves however some are completely naked, carpeting the wet ground with theirs. I still see the green grass spotted here and there through the orange, and I marvel at how beautiful it all is.

The darkness comes suddenly however, the days feel truncated. Like it’s some bad joke that it’s completely black out there even before dinner.

That is ominous. And where is the moon? And the stars? There is this mist rising day and night. They could be up there, but concealed.

I have a feeling that the gods are nearer during autumn and spring. I see them in the mist, and I can clearly picture how some of the trees concentrate their life forces in their roots underground. Like they die and resurrect every year.

I think during winter that the gods of death reign supreme although that is a simplification as some creatures, like penguins, flourish during winter, but still for most it’s lethal.

But winter is beautiful too.

Hello are you wondering why i’ve not written so much?

That’s not been true, I’ve been writing some stuff down for my memoirs. It’s a psychological drama, let’s call it that. A creeping horror.

Actually it reminds me of that quote, you know, by Clive Barker: “Welcome to the worst nightmare of all: Reality“ or something. I was never much of a Pinhead fan. Never. And it’s an exaggeration but it’s not like there’s no truth to it.

I will put it, the memoirs, with my will, so when I will die my child might decide what to do with it, it will be a big hit, I know this. But it might be better buried with me.

It’s one of the most relatable books I have ever read, hehe

And I have grown up, I do no longer wish to be buried in a sarcophagus with a gold coin on my tongue.

I do no longer wish that “The Great Below” by N I И to be played, even though it’s a good song that one. It’s too inappropriate for such a somber occasion.

I am now reaching for the light I want butterflies and I want glitter maybe, something which symbolises hope! Ducks! And fighting spirit, I would like to muddle through no matter what, to persevere.

But OK: that too has a hollow ring to it on a funeral.

Maybe a hope of the afterlife, then? Or a reminder that life goes on for the rest.

Some hearts I want hearts there somehow, there are so many which I love so much I love them dearly even though I am a man and expressing this is something of a stigma, but I have always walked to the beat of my own drum, head held high even though there’s a hunch I know I will one day become a hunchback.

It’s the burden of the cross I bear. We all have our crosses to bear.

I do not even want to be buried in a coffin, it’s my worst fear! I’d rather be scattered to the wind!

Or better yet: made into bio fuel

Like a modern dinosaur.

H😷

Hello hello I’m smelling stuff right now, but

My cortisone treatment is ended, it’s fading already

I shall have to spend next week eating stuff I like before it’s too late

Like stuff with cinnamon or tzatziki and stuff

Even miso soup!! I think that’s umami

I have been outside taking care of stuff in preparation for winter.

Stuff such as outdoor furniture which I put into the barn to be stored til spring.

Don’t you sometimes wish you were a outdoor furniture?

I am ill prepared for the darkness, you see. For the cold and the darkness.

However I did see aurora borealis yesterday with my own eyes, it’s like a remnant of the old gods I think. Like a piece of bifrost up there.

It looks too good to be true.

And I saw the stars up there too

There’ll be more of that, I’ll let them guide me through the winter

But first this week of smell and the fall, another round in the mangle

Another round but I have only some thirty years left until retirement

I hope i live that long ✌️✌️

What might this weekend have in store for us?

Will it be terrible,?? Some pain or something? I sure hope not.

A cool thing I’ve done this week is I bought a spherical lip balm which smells of urinoar stones, you know the stuff they put in there? not kidney stones.

So that is something this week I have done for my own sake.

I have it in my pocket

urinoar lemon sm

Today I went to Lidl.

I had my long hair on me and a beige brown sweater, and I saw a bright and colourful world around me, yet again my eyes strayed on the foliage of the trees and marvelled at their colourful leaves up there, green, red and yellow like fruit salad.

I met a friend on the way there, who was taking his Jeep to the parking lot to be photographed, as he is selling it because something is wrong with the transmission, it sometimes just stops working and the car comes to a halt.

The Lidl building is charming for how ugly it looks and how mal placed it looks with its saddle roof and function even on this street. It looks ugly even in comparison to the gas station nearby.

Inside it I saw many interesting things, like this young couple one of them (the female) was pregnant and they were looking at potatoes, then an old lady with curly white hair and a purple jacket.

I was amazed by that thought that they all had complete life just like mine and that they each one has thousand stories in them but we just pass each other, likely for the last time.

It’s a type of vertigo like sensation, hard to describe, not of being insignificant, not at all, but rather it’s just the opposite; all of these people are significant, all of them carry so much with them, dreams and nightmares and that’s what dazzled me, not that I am just one of them makes me any less, but I guess it’s the duality of being insignificant and also significant depending on where you zoom.

Then my neighbour called while I was shopping zucchini and asked whether to install Windows 11 and I said I would help even though I know she might not have a TPM module or whatever, I will have to go there and assess the situation. These neighbours are so kind and gentle and I am richer for knowing them.

Anyway, I stopped by the spices section because I want to smell as many if them I can before it is too late, and some I have completely forgotten what they smell like and therefore as you can understand I took a fistful of spice boxes.

I look forward to opening all of them to smell them I want to remember what they smell like.

Then I saw a corpulent old man with glasses and an impossibly big nose, almost like a troll and chuckled to myself because it was the reflection of myself in a mirror I saw, and I found the realisation amusing rather than unsettling.

Inspired by my grotesque reflection I went and bought a 10€ black fleece vest to complete the look.

I’ll start buying all my clothes at Lidl

Hello I wanted so badly to write about the soup I had for dinner today!

Soup is a category of food which I typically don’t eat, but I have changed a lot lately, and I savour the opportunity to familiarise myself with myself again, and in so doing I have discovered and renewed my appreciation for soup.

There’s a bakery nearby. A French one 🇫🇷⚜️🇫🇷⚜️

I understand why many people love France and the iconic Count of Monte Christo, and the also iconic Eiffel tower, and that even though some fools have built higher towers elsewhere, they are mere copies.

They make levain beads in there, in the bakery: real French bread and baguette. Levian baguette which I can buy on my way home for lunch, and then I can just heat up some soup and eat like a king.

If you picture this, it’s easy to understand what a privilege it is to have what is a small portal to France just next block, where you could even get a croissant.

So back to the soup, I had one today which was very funny, because it was a type of Mexican soup which looked just like vomit.

Just like vomit.

With this rich thought in my head I went out into the evening darkness. There wasn’t one single star visible, and the cold autumn rain felt cold on my skin.

For whatever reason, a smell of sewage filled the crisp air, an overflowing septic tank somewhere? As I walked along the streetlights, past the bakery and onwards into the night I had a strong feeling of thankfulness for this beautiful world with soup and France, and a lump in my throat, a feeling of maybe having opened an old wound.

A feeling, maybe of sewage, or of vomit?

A release which stings the eyes. A strange duality of life.

The world is very strong right now, like concentrated juice: Red leaves together with orange and green ones are crowning the trees, it doesn’t look real. The air is chilly and there are smells from everywhere: perfume, exhaust from passing cars and bread from the bakeries! The food tastes incredibly rich and different and the coffee does too. The coffee smells of coffee!

And I smell! Either it’s a coincidence this week that I smell of sweat, or I always smell, just that I notice it now because I got my sense of smell to smell my smell with now. Who knows? I got deodorant now which reminded me of high school locker rooms. A time which will never come back and for that I am grateful!

I read a novel in Books of blood, by Clive Barker it was part two maybe about someone who got amplified senses to the point where even a fly landing on his skin felt like torture. It feels like that now except not bad but good. Luckily I do not live in a horror fiction.

I don’t think so anyway.

I saw the Demon Slayer film with my daughter the other day and it made a surprisingly strong impression on me! The characters were rich and all of the demons and humans came across to me as philosophers, one said something along the lines of happiness being a sheet of glass and it struck a chord in me, because of how brittle it all is.