The happy place

When I was really young, we used to have a dog, it was beautiful, looked just like a Doberman.

Could’ve been a Doberman for all I know, with her bronze and black fur.

I remember sitting on the floor, and I bit her in the back, by her spine, just the fur, but still …

And she yelped miserably

And later they had to put her down, did someone shoot her?

I don’t know why, but I thought probably it was my fault, biting her like that, making her mentally I’ll

I thought

I don’t know why I did it, I wanted to feel it, I think.

I think I wanted to feel what it’d feel like

To bite this dog, to feel the fur

Her skin, you know?

This dark secret I carried with me for years,

The shame

But I was so young, I wasn’t even in school

I might’ve been four or maybe five years old

But I can picture still, the feeling of having her fur between my teeth

And her yelping

And her brown eyes, sad

And it makes me sad.

I hugged her afterwards, but I couldn’t unbite her

A Fine memory: I was having UNIX class, and one classmate who was older than me, a taxi driver, he looked me dead in the eye, handed me a sheet of paper and asked me to write down my IP number.

He accused me for some reason for trying to hack his server, he’d seen an IP number from my area in his logs,

I said ”no” I won’t give him my IP address, suggested he setup port knocking or or fail2ban or something, to which he responded, and I quote: “I will fuck you in front of the class”

I said OK

And then he quit after that, I think he got expelled.

I don’t know what made him so aggressive, I’d never talked to the guy before that…

Another classmate used to lose his front tooth, it’d just fall out of his mouth when speaking. He would then pick it up off the ground and put it in his pocket.

I think he didn’t want us to see him putting it straight back into his mouth

Of the ground

Anyway he got a new set of front teeth from the dentist’s, eventually. (I remember them as being bigger than they probably actually were.)

I wonder what all those people are up to these days

tonight the moon was elsewhere, as were the stars

But I saw there were gray clouds on the deep blue sky

And I felt that it had rained.

And I’m drunk now, even though I’ve drank Lidl iced tea, and have eaten two (small) Pan Pizzas, I feel the Sunday deep in my bones, and I feel the alcohol in the system surrounding these strong but old bones.

But not in a bad way.

I saw some live music earlier this evening. That’s where I had all those beers.

I felt when sitting (because this was a sitting concert, maybe due to the average (old) age of the audience (does that include me — I’m not sure)?) , when I sat there, beer in my hand, and heard some familiar songs performed — songs I’ve not heard in twenty years or more — I felt a deep sense of contentment, watching the show with one eye shut (never mind why , it doesn’t matter)…

In fact, it reminded me of this winter when I sat with a beer in the rain looking into the fire

I was having a deep sadness then, but the fire seemed to melt it, at least for a moment I saw only those flames and felt the warmth on my face even though the rain was chilly

There was something hypnotising

That sensation, a serenity maybe

That’s what I felt today

I felt like laughing

I just wanted to sit there with the music, not thinking anything in particular

Just caught in the moment

And now again I’m home

Again it’s Sunday

OK let’s go

There was this beautiful sky overhead last night

The full-moon stood low in the sky, big, really big, and there was a tint of red giving it the resemblance of a blood orange

It shone so strong that I could barely see the stars on the sky which was blue and gray

And the wind farm in the horizon looked black, but there are red lights shining off them for some reason

Today is my sister’s birthday. I used to lend her my favourite books, but I never got them back.

I don’t think about her that much any more

And when I do, I feel nothing.

I forgot yesterday to write that I saw the moon on the sky, big, and that it looked like a honeydew melon.

A full-moon of course.

I found a dead mouse in a mouse trap a few days ago, the poor fella was stuck with her little mouse hand in the ”guillotine”, to die incorrectly of pain and dehydration, rather than swiftly—which paints in my mind that scene from the Green Mile… You know that one with the electric chair?

Except there was no malice with the trap, just indifference.

Coincidentally, there was a mouse in that book too, or maybe a rat.

Anyway

Her mouse hand looked just like that of a human, except tiny

Grabbing for the cheese

it’s the type of tragedy which happens everywhere every day but nobody writes about that (generally)

there’s no eulogy

Death is everywhere, like Fly on a windscreen song by Depeche Mode

Indeed

Life is frail and precious

🙋‍♂️

I’ve been fixing some tickets to go see Placebo for their 30 yrs anniversary this fall/autumn, isn’t it fun how time flies like that?

Except when waiting for the microwave to finish these 2.5 minutes are very long

Or one night in my youth, I was having been drunk and I was with a friend and I slept in her little brother‘s room, right?

But problem was I woke up when the alcohol was out of my system, like at 03:00 and then I just lay there on the bed, looking at the gaming console, they had this goldeneye game, is it for the x-box? Doesn’t matter

I just lay there waiting for the others to wake up, because it wasn’t that known, the place… her parents were in there somewhere in some room, no clue which one, and I didn’t want to wake anyone, not wanting to bother anyone so I lay there waiting until the others were up, but they‘d been drinking too and it wasn’t until around 10.00 I started hearing some sounds and then I went down they had cereal, I’m pretty sure we had cereal

And that her mother liked me,

And that was something about me which made me seem lost like I was clueless or something, like a puppy or even a child? (Innocence?)

Anyway, That night I remember as having been incredibly long some reason felt incredibly slow, like incredibly slow

But

I had my friend whose jaw got broken because he encountered a football/(soccer) hooligan who just punched him for wearing the wrong colours.

And he was drunk, so he had to lay at the hospital for a very long time before they could sedate him, he just lay there with increasing pain also just letting time pass

And that was on new years eve. What a way to spend New Year’s Eve

They finally had some sort of metal to fix his jaw so he had to go for a very long time drinking soup with a straw, cause he couldn’t open his jaw or speak much

Goulash soup except he had to put it in the blender first, do you know?

Well anyway this all feels like it’s yesterday

An I am eager to see this Placebo of course, with some good friends I collected throughout these years

moon looking like it’s missing 12%, like they folded a dog’s ear on it or something

And I’m watching like I said Tulsa king on my mobile phone, we’ve not put the TV in yet,

And when I see my face reflected on the screen, when it’s black, I just see my own smile

A big smile on my face, with the teeth in charmfull disarray

I’m smiling like an idiot, but in reality I’m a popcorn

Like I wrote yesterday

I have two things on my mind

(This will be my best post yet)

1

I am now after a painfully long time in the microwave transformed into a popcorn.

There’s no way on this earth to unpop a popcorn

This new me isn’t just a hard shell but inside out

Soft

Of course it hurt, but look at me now

I am weightless

This is my final form of course

#poetry

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2

I’m watching Tulsa king. I see with great interest Stallone playing this mafioso guy out of prison, just murdering anyone who he finds disrespectful, just doing things his way, even though he is a prisoner of his own principles, is somewhat satisfying: seeing him solve most of his problems with violence like that.

Yes👍 🤌

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I’m eagerly anticipating this exciting future, like we are walking into Mad Max, the one with Tina Turner, you know?

I had a taste of this when I was a young terminal worker, riding the pallet truck, a special forklift you stand up in, with extra long forklift forks, me with a plastic mug of hot coffee, rim clenched between my teeth, driving on towards the kiosk to buy cigarettes. A vast concrete space, a decommissioned old machine covered in gray dust on my right hand side, Do you know this dust? It’s not unlike how I picture the gray ashes in ”The Road.

And there I felt for a moment that I was the only one alive, or at least that the population was as decimated as in this terminal building

And I felt like it was the end of the world, but in a good way; I would drink my coffee and smoke my cigarette in a glass box — like they have also in airports — without a care in the world. Maybe flip a magazine or simply just listen to something from my portable CD player.

I was happy then.