The happy place

Hello it’s me again. Again on the sofa with a cute dog resting on my lap.

Sorry I haven’t written for so long; I’m going through some stuff.

Speaking of which:

There’s nothing I don’t love about dogs.

Anyway

Outside, a coat of ice is covering the ground like clear gloss varnish, making a seemingly mundane task of grocery shopping into a death defying nightmare.

Danger!

But nonetheless, out we went into the cold darkness, and back we came with some essentials such as gingerbread flavoured yoghurt, coco pops and even some milk.

This what some would say oppressive weather — a small taste of what is to come — is visible through the windows — where the wards are: the Christmas lights — strengthens the joy and merriment of being inside.

Picture that scene from Lord of the Rings in which Frodo and the others are chased by the Nazgûls, but nonetheless they hide in Frodos little house for a cozy dinner; safe for a brief moment.

It’s like that exactly.

The cute cat-sized agility dog had in the meanwhile somehow jumped onto the kitchen table. He had his knitted jumper on. In his maw there was a slice of gluten free pizza.

That memory I will cherish.

I love dogs

I was at spinning class today. From the outside, it seems to be a pointless activity, because the wheels do not propel the bike forward as one might expect, being as it is: fixed to the floor.

On a pedestal at the end of the room, were two gently illuminating candles. Behind it, on a bike just like ours, facing the other way (like a mirror), sat the instructor; telling us what to do — like a preacher of fitness.

And there was awesome music blasting through the speaker system: Mel C, Iron Maiden and Linkin Park.

No: the bike doesn’t move — not in the physical realm. Instead the monotonous pedalling advances movement of the mind; drowning it and it’s whirlwind of thoughts in a cleansing flood of sweat to the beautiful voice of Mel C and the imaginary hills I climbed, because the instructor said there were some, and the only thought was of how tired I felt but yet at the same time: energised.

Having such a ”soft reset” of the mind, spending the excess energy is great.

Even though I don’t like bicycling very much.

First of all: butterfly collections, isn’t that something deeply disturbing about this?

First of all: the butterfly is something everyone agrees on is of incredible beauty; but at it’s core: it’s an insect from which protrudes: two beautiful faerie wings.

A contrast indeed!

Then furthermore:

To have these beautiful creatures pinned down behind a glass sheet; skewered on this needle, to display their beautiful corpses; that is very grotesque.

It’s fascinating,

Speaking of which,

First of all: isn’t it funny how so disproportionate the amount of the world’s best music it is which comes from Finland? 🇫🇮 there’s only like 5-6M people living there…

Anyway:

Rip out the wings of a butterfly by HIM:

Come on and show them your love  Rip out the wings of a butterfly  For your soul, my love  Rip out the wings of a butterfly  For your soul

It’s about how humans cannot simply let beauty be: either it’s speared into a collection or sacrificed for the passions of love!

Like when we reach for it, it crumbles in our fumbling hands.

It feels like a sin!

I think it’s because we do live on borrowed time, and the beautiful moments are few and far between; I think it’s in the human nature to seek to preserve these moments of fleeting beauty — but that very act turns it into something which is beautiful, but most of all: terribly ugly.

Hmmmm

That is (to me) obviously wrong, it’s not seizing the day at all, or a pervertion of it’s original meaning; to cage a beautiful bird.

To then look at this poor bird until it’s beauty do no longer affect, until it’s just another piece of decoration, just like the butterfly collection; that is just morally objectionable.

At the same time, it’s a miracle: to go to the grocery store in the middle of a cold winter evening to have a banana!

Like I have never seen a banana tree, and I wouldn’t recognise a coffee tree; I don’t even know whether they (the coffees) grow on trees or on bushes. I couldn’t make vanilla either, even though I know what a vanilla flower looks like; I’ve seen it… on the shampoo bottle.

I don’t know what is in shampoo. I can assume that it’s similar to soap, and I’ve seen on fight club that it contains human fat? I didn’t really watch the movie. It was my sister who did, she had a crush on Brad Pitt you see.

I have disowned her. But not because of Brad Pitt; there’s nothing wrong with him, as far as I know.

But like you’ve see: that’s not much unfortunately.

The causal evil and the sweeping corruption is I think dangerous.

Some of the most misogynistic people I ever met have been deeply religious; they would shame Jesus even though they claim him as their idol.

But this text is more about the casual evils, the rotting of the trust. Like picture this grocery store where I live, which is I think a prison. Not only of the mind, but actually a prison, as there is no way out without scanning first: a bar code.

I wanted to try positive thinking, so I made of it a subway station instead, but that is a lie: in a subway station, you scan to get in, whereas in a prison, you scan to get out.

In this prison are the fruits of greed and treachery on display: shrinking packages (shrinkflation), the lying of the boxes whose contents are filled with some unhealthy stuff they sneak in there and finally the bananas exploited from Africa by greedy capitalists!! I have seen this on TV.

I know all about the bananas 🍌

The rotten GMO bananas whose peels are sprayed with roundup (or something)

Don’t eat the peels!

No wonder then, that it feels morally exhausting to go shopping there, no wonder at all.

I saw a woman there once, fingering the danishes, asking whether there were any eggs in there or if it was milk?

”Who knows”, answered the cashier.

the animals did wake me up. All of them did.

But the beast in me lays dormant for now, however.

Did you know that “another day in paradise” by Phil Collins isn’t literally about another day in paradise, but the opposite?(!!)

Although there’s so much great stuff out there, like butterflies.

There’s terrible stuff too! Not only of our (us humans) own making, but the horrors of the nature too with TBC, tapeworms, Black Death and stingrays.

And tornadoes.

And did you know that the sun will one day go black?

I’m listening to it now: ”blackened sun” by ”freedom call”. It’s about how we humans abuse and ruin this paradise I think.

It’s not like they are wrong, but still even without us, the sun will go black.

It’s a hard pill to swallow, that.

My dark musings were now interrupted by the ”Hammer of the Gods” track, its literally charging me with energies from within. The lyrics is so great and the drummings, man!

This lyrics right here really strikes a chord, don’t you think?

When my mind is going insane  Tell me who's to blame  It's a beast, it's a priest  Is it matter of madness?

🔝

To me this symbolises the hazards of gazing too long at the blackened sun, it could be the last thing you do

Beware!

This weekend, we did sit outside in the cold and dark, barbecuing under the stars.

I was sat in one of these chairs which you can put the beer cans in it’s handrests.

There I sat, feeling warm and cold, mesmerised by the fire and the flames, the cinders.

Listening to the burning firewood.

drinking beers

With some friends

Freezing. And yet feeling warm.

Just this small oasis of light and warmth in the cold, dark night.

Such times are the best.

Hey

I’m thinking

Thinking

Do you know?

Like this; it’s like this exactly:

It’s been nagging at my brain:

There was a can of worms opened up inside of my brain — a swarm of realisations — like they are symbolising something serious like cognitive dissonance — wreaking havoc — as they shine a new worm light on everything.

And it’s ugly !

But even so, they try to crawl back into the jar, to seal themselves from me, because they hurt up there. They hurt me, and so I may subconsciously be compelling them to crawl back,

Like there’s a blind spot where the jar is: that’s where they crawl.

But I’ve written it all down!!

Even so, it’s like when I read the things I’ve written, it’s like the realisation comes anew…

Why is it like that? Somethings not right up there!

I wish to mend my inner construct, but I can’t as long as these worms of wisdom are there in the crowded darkness in their jar; I do not want to regress into my former shape, when this realisation cost me so much, do you know?

I will mend, it will be wabi sabi.

This is the hill I will die on.

I’m at the sushi joint, waiting for a so called bibimbap, they’re all full of stuff in there, in the food. However the chef coughed just now. Wonder if there’s cough in my bibimbap.

That would be unfortunate.

Now some idiot woman is asking them for wooden spoons. First she asked twice whether there was chicken in her food. They said yes twice. Now she’s wondering about wooden spoons. Why would they have wooden spoons in there? Does it look like an ice cream shop to her?

I bet she’s one of those entitled parents, you know? — or worse yet: a middle school teacher, who has this way of talking down to other people, like whoever she talks to she also teaches something, you know? Like she would have to ask twice in case they didn’t understand her the first time…

Wooden spoons…

She can shove the wooden spoons where the sun don’t ✨ shine.

---

Now I have eaten the bibimbap. The world isn’t so terrible.

I hope the middle school teacher found some wooden spoons for her chicken.

teachers and parents are the golden link between past and future.

May she ✨ shine like a su

I am up before the sun today, lying here on the blue sofa with the dogs resting on my chest, listening to Break the Ice by Britney Spears, have you heard of her? It’s from a playlist of my favourite songs, I think.

But that changes with the mood so much that such a playlist doesn’t make any sense for me to have.

The black dog is a great source of inspiration these mornings, he has such a great mood; I have never felt nearly the same enthusiasm to start a new day; before the sun is up, even, I feel absolutely terrible; it’s only through mighty force of will that I pull it together.

He just sat his ass down on my face.

But I am having some coffee now and some time alone with my own thoughts, dogs and Britney Spears.