The happy place

Cake ran out, there were cake and pie and they were expensive with mousse and suchlike. The type of cakes which are expensive.

It’s the type of cakes one typically associate with semi fancy work functions, with focus being on looks rather than on taste. Pastel colored.

Indeed this was in a type of work function, where one or other minor event, such as having exceeded quarterly projections or the like, was celebrated.

They (co workers) took all of the cake, but I managed to get a piece of a pie-like cake, (the ones with mousse having ran out, (this signified greed I think), but I thought the pie like cake was better because my belief was that even though it didn’t appear so fancy, it was on account of superior taste the better option nonetheless).

Then when I looked at my plate; laying next to the pie/cake was a little fish (on the northern part of plate). Silvery and with the size of two medium sized coins next to each other.

There was dinner or lunch served along with the cakes (though that was not the case from the beginning), and supposedly I’d gotten some dinner or lunch by mistake when I got the cake somehow. (There were only cakes)

Like when I used the cake knife to take a piece of the pie-like cake, hidden behind at the tip of the knife was the little fish.

Supposedly.

Then the little fish disappeared, instead the cake/pie become a bigger fish, size of a regular small fish like a shampoo bottle or something, and its eyes stood out of its face like on a slug, and it started moving and was in great distress and in pain (!), it’s eyes seeking mine. It clearly looked baked (eyes were shrunken and looked smoked), but also simultaneously clearly looked raw, and it definitely looked grotesque, and one was supposed to eat that one, like a delicacy; a sad fish in pain with freaky eyes stood out like antennae. And in a miserable situation of despair.

This upset me so much that I woke up before I got the opportunity to confront them (the upper middle class co workers who arranged the thing).

Okay this Monday felt insurmountable, felt like the day was ten days long and my brain was wrung out like a dog breath smelling old wrung out rag, and the thought of retirement being so far away felt absurd, but then I became (thanks to my strong psyche) like a steam powered iron golem with a dog breath brain who just chugged along in a very impressive way and then I had lunch.

Sometimes I fantasise about working with something which is actually meaningful (to me), like a job where I could help people with meaningful stuff to which I do not count build pipelines or anything with kubernetes or worse yet terraform. Maybe a teacher helping young children find their footing and see their worth.

But I hated school. Still gives me bad vibes. 😬😬😬

I should maybe hibernate in a bunker for four years and think things through.

The rest of the week so far really did feel a lot better and now I am in a very good mood.

Life is nice and then you die

since I’m regaining my sense of smell, it seems, I’m feeling less inclined to let my little dog lick my face because her breath smells like garbage.

Furthermore, and for similar reasons, I’ve changed out of green fleece sweater which I’ve been wearing so long because it’s such a soft and nice one into another fleece sweater which is also green but not as thick.

So you see there are big changes in my life right now.

I dreamt that we were at a restaurant and they were serving dessert. It was something with whipped cream and also ice cream and I was cheating on my wife so was going to call my mistress on my mobile phone, but it had turned into a spray bottle. One of those colourful orange/purple blank pretty big like 500ml spray bottles with a proper handle with room for at least three fingers, one one would typically find in a bathroom and use to clean stuff with. I was unable to find the display, I was expecting one of the green old Nokia displays but couldn’t find it nor any sign on the surface of the bottle/phone that hinted that it might be hidden inside. (Same with the buttons).

My mistress (in the dream) didn’t show up, her dessert was melting and everybody (there were a lot of people there just to see me) had a terrible time (this is a fact in the dream, not just projections), and it was all my fault.

Blinded as I was by the love that I felt for her at the time, I failed to see the significance of the wart on my sister’s face.

at daycare when I was seven or thereabouts, I took a toy airplane with thin styrofoam wings and I broke them into pieces just because I wanted to feel them snap and crumble in my hands.

The childminder lady who was the mother of the child who owned that airplane didn’t like that. She got angry.

I don’t like being yelled at.

It couldn’t explain myself.

Once when I was at school at art school and I was a vegetarian, a weird girl who I used to be friends with who lived with her weirdly old father far away in the middle of nowhere, she spat on my food. It was pancakes. For class she once drew a big picture of an angel and a devil coupling “doggy style” (erotic), she wore dr. Martens and we were friends until we weren’t and she spat on my pancakes.

I shall try to remember more about this and for example what lead up to the incident with the spittle pancakes.

The older I get, the less I understand of the world around me. Every day I become more uncertain of what to believe.

Gonna read some books and go for a jog even though right now it’s not very appealing, wet and cold as it is outside, the sun hidden behind a blanket of gray clouds.

But that’s usually what it takes to jolt me out of my dark musings.

I’ve set everything everywhere to German because I’m gonna learn that for sure now and it’s fun.

Why learn a new language? Because why not? Why not try to learn stuff? Should I just sit by the TV all day waiting for death, watching a bunch of morons trying to get funding for their idiotic start up ideas? Peddling shit to poor people? Like some 20s something with pistachio coloured pullovers and trust fund dads could sell subscriptions to life goals for a monthly fee? The gall ! And they want funding for that? Get out of here!

I will now spread my (bat) wings and go for a run because I’m getting worked up.

About the food yesterday. I just realised that I had a dream which could possibly be related: I dreamt that the bathroom scale said my weight was 140kg, then full of dread I went again to double check, this time it was 160kg.

The third time it said 260kg

And then I woke up.

Won’t check now.

Was out for a family dinner yesterday. Everything was either very deep fried and/or very sweet and thus tasted of diabetes and death.

It was the nauseating taste of danger.

Speaking of which, I’m nearly vegetarian. I’ve gone full circle: I am back to when I was a young handsome vegetarian with piercings, except I’m no longer young and I have no piercings.

But I am handsome in a wabi sabi way which is how I prefer it. My nose is bent slightly sideways.

Speaking of which, I’m going to the doctor’s tomorrow to figure out why I can breathe through only one nostril.

I think I know why.

The gray old hen is lovely.

Most days, she goes to roost already before six, keeping her head tucked in under her beautiful little wing up on one of the special shelves. When I go in to the coup to tend to them, (you know; check the water and food, count them usw,), for an instant she groggily wakes up and opens her eyes to slits, we make eye contact and when I move my head from side to side, she does too, mirroring me. We do this a couple of times back and forth and feel the special connection that we have and our mutual understanding.