The happy place

Ja z I’m walking the dog now no no it’s the other way around. She needs a shit which has to be done properly following a long ceremony in which finding the perfect spot is crucial. The cat is distracting her by sneaking around nearby. It’s dark and cold and I see the stars but no moon. The snow is glittering on the ground and the frost on the trees does too.

There’s a scent of fire smoke in the crisp air. It’s from the fire in the fireplace inside.

I feel the smell of the chicken coup and it’s pleasant in there because it’s recently cleaned. They were already roosting because they sleep a lot during winter. They are beautiful. The turkeys and chicken and they all have strong and distinct personalities.

I’m not so tired these mornings, could be due to a cortisone treatment I’m on now.

I am happy

Hey have you heard Fergie? She used to be a Black Eyed Pea together with, one of my coworkers when I was working in the postal service called him; “White Left John”. He’d burned some CD:s with “White Left John”, My coworker; He was an audiophile who also liked “Telefon Tel Aviv” and he must’ve been twice my age so late 40s or early 50s at the time. He had glasses and a rich gray/white beard. Generally sans the glasses he had a wildling type of look, you know from Game of Thrones. An interesting person for sure. A good one. Had one of them big cases for CD:s: black one with pages and a zipper, size of a telephone catalog. You know?

Anyhow, so Fergie: I used to have this “A Little Party Never Killed Nobody” track as a ring tone for the on call alarm signal. The default one still increases my pulse when I hear it, the big dread comes for a brief visit. That’s unhealthy. So as a counter measure I had this very strong positive track in there, so instead of a feeling of unease, a more of a fighting spirit type of feeling wakes me up. Also, it’s got a double negative in the title and generally one is to interpret a double negative in such a context as if it were only a single negative, yet there’s still the ambiguity which I think is very effect full, because people do die from partying.

Very interesting. Also what’s interesting is I don’t know if I like the track or if I hate it.

I know the answer at least is yes.

Ok that just some thoughts which came so I write ✍️ it down for this is my legacy.

I’ve been intellectually constipated these past weeks, for all my struggles, not much has come of it, just a type of pain, but it’s will be different now since the projectile is out and the thoughts that were imprisoned now explode in every direction, so to speak, just like diarrhoea. That’s a metaphor. I find metaphors to be very powerful tools as they can paint a precise and colourful picture which conveys exactly or close enough that which I seek to describe.

The darkness (also metaphorical) I’ve felt and what I’ve been alluding to, which have been clouding my vision of late, I’ve done some soul searching, and it’s been my avoidance to acknowledge or pay heed to my own negative emotions. Always having had the feeling that my problems or pain, such as they are, are mere trifles, and that in reality since I’m so well off and successful and accomplished and privileged and blessed and all that, that it’s wrong for me in general to complain when the world is so full of misery and war and the Black Death.

That’s why I was so captured by the Count of Monte Christo sentiment that “there is no happiness or misery in this world, just the comparison of one state to another” or something along those lines; That it’s our own experiences by which we gauge the happiness or sorrow that we feel, and nothing else. That’s really something. It’s not only that the low points in life serve with the yin yang as an inverse to the high ones, which gets bigger by comparison, it’s also that this whole frame of reference is very personal.

Like there was this episode of Bachelor where they had a group date, the bachelor told a darkness from his past, he had ADHD and had a miserable school time, then they took turns opening up: one girl had an abusive violent ex, the second she had been suicidal, and the third who was a model used to have ADHD and a bad Acne. All of them were scarred by their pasts and it’s pointless to compare them with each other, because it wasn’t a competition or anything. The point was to be vulnerable together or some dumb shit like that. For the viewers. Anyhow

Anyhow

What’s been bothering me is that my sister which I used to love just doesn’t care about me. It’s been bothering me that I’ve gifted her stuff and bought her trips to Tallinn, even painted masterpiece paintings and been really making an effort to stay in touch, and she couldn’t even be bothered to let me know that she wasn’t interested in maintaining our relationship, not even when I asked. It bothers me that it took me several years of fruitless effort before I realised what is blatantly obvious, and it bothers me most of all that I haven’t moved past it yet, when It’s just a trifle.

But now that I’ve said it I shall move on (at some point). I don’t have to quantify the love that I felt or the importance that my sister has had in my life to justify my sadness.

That was the perl of wisdom in my shit which solved my intellectual constipation. Like a laxative.

That sadness does not have to be justified, just acknowledged.

hey I’ve been tired all week, and it’s only Monday. Tired and it’s been dark, the mind battery didn’t charge properly last night, maybe I’ve got a new disease, because when I woke up it was still on red. The battery.

Frankly speaking it did feel terrible

Anyhow

I’m pretty concerned about antibiotics, that it’s an arms race between the bacteria and different mixes of different antibiotics, don’t know how that works, but we’re very fucked without potent antibiotics, this I know, and that some industrial farms just pump the animals full with the stuff, just to be on the safe side, just because they have such miserable lives, the animals in there, and are stuffed in them farms like sardines. it’s pretty disgusting the whole thing, just for cheap meat. The misery.

anyhow that’s so very upsetting, but I’m pretty happy all things considered.

though I find myself more cynical with age, like I am concerned I might turn into vinegar and not a fancy wine.

I’m allergic to wine

Great great

Hmmmm

Here is my brain: there’s a bridge. A bridge made of marble or something fancy like.

I sit there with my fishing rod, or other type of similar equipment, in the middle on a blanket, feet dangling, and I dredge down there for treasure, in the deep under the bridge.

I picture a big bright yellow sun shining down with vitamin D.

Usually there’s a crystal clear stream down there: Even though it’s very deep (obviosly), stilll one can see the glimmer at the bottom in some places. The gold and diamond shine of treasure and suchlike. Also beautiful fishes swimming everywhere: there are the salmons and pike (but no tropical fish), oysters and shrimps, and they are even more beautiful to behold and even more glimmering than the gold and the diamonds. Some places have always been dark and there I don’t fish. Never have, never will. Frankly don’t think I can.

But alas, lately there’s been a flood of sewer water down there, obstructing the view where I sit, a pungent smell of excrement rises to my nose and makes my eyes water. I fish and fish but only shit comes up, and dead contaminated sewer rats.

The thing is, thing is indeed, that I am not quite capable at describing that which I see in my net. I am not sure. The shit.

I guess what to do is dredge that and sift through and then see what is what, and also there could be a perl in there. I am pretty sure that there is a perl of wisdom somewhere amoung all of that shit.

Hey I am writing this from my Linux hacker station. I am pretty happy with the setup, and it’s OK with the GNOME3. Pretty slick actually. It’s not that I have a strong passion for computers or fiddling around, configuring LUKS and whatnot, like I used to really enjoy. That part of me which used to have such a passion for the Computer has withered and died, and to think that was my primary interesst? Now they operating systems and programs annoy me, and the choice of Linux is because it almost doesn’t annoy me at al, at least not Manjaro.

That’s some food for thought: that which used to be my primary interest now only is sligthly more interesting to me that sports.

Windows does infuriate me and it feels like a punishment for something to be using it for work. Mayhap I could deduct my time spent running Windows OS from my period in Purgatory. Surely having a guided tour in MS Teams can be counted as a mini trip to Hell, ?!!

Anyhow I have been weirdly tired, as if my whole body has been screaming for me to hibernate. Like it is very much against my human nature to be awake in the cold and in the darkness, but the norms of society and the burden of responsibilities and whatnot does prevent me from checking out for 5 months or so.

I think partially the tiredness comes from the fact that I haven’t seen the moon in some time. There have been stars and stuff, the usual stars, the northern star and Orion’s belt and ja the whole bunch, but no moon!!

It’s strange how freaked out I am about the thought of dying, considering how much I do enjoy sleeping.

Speaking of which, it’s funny to me how archeologists and historians draw intricate conclusions from very small things, like if they find a padlock in a grave, then they surmise that the whole area used to be a vampire graveyard, and they have vivid descriptions of what might’ve transpired there. Could’ve been someone just dropped it in there by mistake, like I lost my Sony XM3 headphones somewhere when I was at my old job last year.

I’ll write some super interesting stuff soon I have some really interesiting ideas which will be some of my finest posts yet.

#journal

Hello!

I am feeling pretty good about the things going on just now; For one thing, the Monday is completed, which even though it takes me one day closer to death, is welcome even so.

Another cool thing is that the dog is still so cute and full of love and that’s something. Even though she’s started barking in the evenings, looking out the windows and barking at the fox maybe. The fox who broke my Croc’s sports strap.

If ever my cousin wants his Crocs back (we are of similar foot size), then I will say that unfortunately the fox has gnawed on the sport mode strap.

They used to be white, but I’ve wallowed in the mud with them, so now they have a brown tint which is hard if not impossible to remove. I was planting a forest tree by tree. It’s a remarkable process.

I’ll probably buy him a new pair for Cristmas, except I’ve never seen him actually wearing Crocs, but now that I think of it, it’s probably because I have got his pair, (and the fox has got the strap).

Speaking of remarkable: My Cousin, he is a remarkable Intellectual. He is partially Greek and could be a descendant of Plato or something. That’s how clever he is.

I had a brilliant idea yesterday, but I was too tired to write it down so now I have forgotten what it was.

That’s why I have to resort to writing about Crocs (again).

The snow lay heavy on the roof. The car looks like a misshapen igloo, and yet the ice around my heart has melted.

Once when I was young I hit the back of my head on the asphalt and was sent to the E.R. I only remember that on the way to the hospital, they put a thermometer up my asshole, and that it felt vaguely embarrassing. Then I got sick with a fever and hallucinated, but I turned out fine.

At least OK.

I did that on purpose, that with the head. Or rather we were waiting for the bus, sitting on a type of wooden guardrail, and the girls from my class, we were about nine or ten years old, started singing and I thought that they were embarrassing and wanted to disappear into the earth, but as that option was unavailable (how would that look?) instead I followed an impulse to slowly tip backwards, whereupon I hit the back of my head. The tipping motion was not as slow as I had envisioned it.

It’s an ironic situation that; In order to avoid an embarrassing situation, I ended up with a thermometer as previously described.

Mmmm and I could’ve also died.

It’s in the middle of the night, but I can’t sleep.

The problem is with the head. The thoughts in there.

Normally when I can’t sleep it’s related to stress and/or maybe anxiety and/or just that I’m going through some powerful spell of inspiration and think about a bunch of really great ideas which I never write down because I’m trying to sleep and then therefore forget the next day.

Now however, wise as I am from age and experience, I know that sleep at this point is a lost cause. Instead I followed my idea downstairs to the kitchen and grilled a bagel (we do have a sandwich grill).

I have also been wanting to write about the frogs: in autumn once per year or so, when it’s dark and rainy, there are frogs all over the road by the lake. Like thousands of small frogs crossing the road. There are rational reasons for this of course, but it’s never interested me to know exactly why they move, just that they are there.

I haven’t seen the moon today, because there’s some fog in the sky which smudges everything like there’s a potato chip fingered glass table in the way up there somehow or something, but yet the light shines through, and the blanket of snow on the ground brightens everything and makes it look special.

I went to the office yesterday for I had that head scan thing, and it’s nice with the darkness from above and the brightness from the snow on the ground below reflected from the lamps on the train station and I was wearing my winter jacket and I was listening to :wumpscut: while waiting for the train to arrive.

I’d brought my kindle to see what Geralt of Rivia was up to, I really enjoy reading that, but just as it seemed like he was going to hop into the bath with Yennefer of Vengerburg, the batteries ran out and I was forced back to the “real world” for the rest of the trip, too tired to do anything except look out the window at the darkness out there.

Normally I prefer to buy books made of paper, but there’s a nifty feature with the kindle that it’s got a dictionary I bought in it and I’m learning foreign languages.