The happy place

hey I’ve been tired all week, and it’s only Monday. Tired and it’s been dark, the mind battery didn’t charge properly last night, maybe I’ve got a new disease, because when I woke up it was still on red. The battery.

Frankly speaking it did feel terrible

Anyhow

I’m pretty concerned about antibiotics, that it’s an arms race between the bacteria and different mixes of different antibiotics, don’t know how that works, but we’re very fucked without potent antibiotics, this I know, and that some industrial farms just pump the animals full with the stuff, just to be on the safe side, just because they have such miserable lives, the animals in there, and are stuffed in them farms like sardines. it’s pretty disgusting the whole thing, just for cheap meat. The misery.

anyhow that’s so very upsetting, but I’m pretty happy all things considered.

though I find myself more cynical with age, like I am concerned I might turn into vinegar and not a fancy wine.

I’m allergic to wine

Great great

Hmmmm

Here is my brain: there’s a bridge. A bridge made of marble or something fancy like.

I sit there with my fishing rod, or other type of similar equipment, in the middle on a blanket, feet dangling, and I dredge down there for treasure, in the deep under the bridge.

I picture a big bright yellow sun shining down with vitamin D.

Usually there’s a crystal clear stream down there: Even though it’s very deep (obviosly), stilll one can see the glimmer at the bottom in some places. The gold and diamond shine of treasure and suchlike. Also beautiful fishes swimming everywhere: there are the salmons and pike (but no tropical fish), oysters and shrimps, and they are even more beautiful to behold and even more glimmering than the gold and the diamonds. Some places have always been dark and there I don’t fish. Never have, never will. Frankly don’t think I can.

But alas, lately there’s been a flood of sewer water down there, obstructing the view where I sit, a pungent smell of excrement rises to my nose and makes my eyes water. I fish and fish but only shit comes up, and dead contaminated sewer rats.

The thing is, thing is indeed, that I am not quite capable at describing that which I see in my net. I am not sure. The shit.

I guess what to do is dredge that and sift through and then see what is what, and also there could be a perl in there. I am pretty sure that there is a perl of wisdom somewhere amoung all of that shit.

Hey I am writing this from my Linux hacker station. I am pretty happy with the setup, and it’s OK with the GNOME3. Pretty slick actually. It’s not that I have a strong passion for computers or fiddling around, configuring LUKS and whatnot, like I used to really enjoy. That part of me which used to have such a passion for the Computer has withered and died, and to think that was my primary interesst? Now they operating systems and programs annoy me, and the choice of Linux is because it almost doesn’t annoy me at al, at least not Manjaro.

That’s some food for thought: that which used to be my primary interest now only is sligthly more interesting to me that sports.

Windows does infuriate me and it feels like a punishment for something to be using it for work. Mayhap I could deduct my time spent running Windows OS from my period in Purgatory. Surely having a guided tour in MS Teams can be counted as a mini trip to Hell, ?!!

Anyhow I have been weirdly tired, as if my whole body has been screaming for me to hibernate. Like it is very much against my human nature to be awake in the cold and in the darkness, but the norms of society and the burden of responsibilities and whatnot does prevent me from checking out for 5 months or so.

I think partially the tiredness comes from the fact that I haven’t seen the moon in some time. There have been stars and stuff, the usual stars, the northern star and Orion’s belt and ja the whole bunch, but no moon!!

It’s strange how freaked out I am about the thought of dying, considering how much I do enjoy sleeping.

Speaking of which, it’s funny to me how archeologists and historians draw intricate conclusions from very small things, like if they find a padlock in a grave, then they surmise that the whole area used to be a vampire graveyard, and they have vivid descriptions of what might’ve transpired there. Could’ve been someone just dropped it in there by mistake, like I lost my Sony XM3 headphones somewhere when I was at my old job last year.

I’ll write some super interesting stuff soon I have some really interesiting ideas which will be some of my finest posts yet.

#journal

Hello!

I am feeling pretty good about the things going on just now; For one thing, the Monday is completed, which even though it takes me one day closer to death, is welcome even so.

Another cool thing is that the dog is still so cute and full of love and that’s something. Even though she’s started barking in the evenings, looking out the windows and barking at the fox maybe. The fox who broke my Croc’s sports strap.

If ever my cousin wants his Crocs back (we are of similar foot size), then I will say that unfortunately the fox has gnawed on the sport mode strap.

They used to be white, but I’ve wallowed in the mud with them, so now they have a brown tint which is hard if not impossible to remove. I was planting a forest tree by tree. It’s a remarkable process.

I’ll probably buy him a new pair for Cristmas, except I’ve never seen him actually wearing Crocs, but now that I think of it, it’s probably because I have got his pair, (and the fox has got the strap).

Speaking of remarkable: My Cousin, he is a remarkable Intellectual. He is partially Greek and could be a descendant of Plato or something. That’s how clever he is.

I had a brilliant idea yesterday, but I was too tired to write it down so now I have forgotten what it was.

That’s why I have to resort to writing about Crocs (again).

The snow lay heavy on the roof. The car looks like a misshapen igloo, and yet the ice around my heart has melted.

Once when I was young I hit the back of my head on the asphalt and was sent to the E.R. I only remember that on the way to the hospital, they put a thermometer up my asshole, and that it felt vaguely embarrassing. Then I got sick with a fever and hallucinated, but I turned out fine.

At least OK.

I did that on purpose, that with the head. Or rather we were waiting for the bus, sitting on a type of wooden guardrail, and the girls from my class, we were about nine or ten years old, started singing and I thought that they were embarrassing and wanted to disappear into the earth, but as that option was unavailable (how would that look?) instead I followed an impulse to slowly tip backwards, whereupon I hit the back of my head. The tipping motion was not as slow as I had envisioned it.

It’s an ironic situation that; In order to avoid an embarrassing situation, I ended up with a thermometer as previously described.

Mmmm and I could’ve also died.

It’s in the middle of the night, but I can’t sleep.

The problem is with the head. The thoughts in there.

Normally when I can’t sleep it’s related to stress and/or maybe anxiety and/or just that I’m going through some powerful spell of inspiration and think about a bunch of really great ideas which I never write down because I’m trying to sleep and then therefore forget the next day.

Now however, wise as I am from age and experience, I know that sleep at this point is a lost cause. Instead I followed my idea downstairs to the kitchen and grilled a bagel (we do have a sandwich grill).

I have also been wanting to write about the frogs: in autumn once per year or so, when it’s dark and rainy, there are frogs all over the road by the lake. Like thousands of small frogs crossing the road. There are rational reasons for this of course, but it’s never interested me to know exactly why they move, just that they are there.

I haven’t seen the moon today, because there’s some fog in the sky which smudges everything like there’s a potato chip fingered glass table in the way up there somehow or something, but yet the light shines through, and the blanket of snow on the ground brightens everything and makes it look special.

I went to the office yesterday for I had that head scan thing, and it’s nice with the darkness from above and the brightness from the snow on the ground below reflected from the lamps on the train station and I was wearing my winter jacket and I was listening to :wumpscut: while waiting for the train to arrive.

I’d brought my kindle to see what Geralt of Rivia was up to, I really enjoy reading that, but just as it seemed like he was going to hop into the bath with Yennefer of Vengerburg, the batteries ran out and I was forced back to the “real world” for the rest of the trip, too tired to do anything except look out the window at the darkness out there.

Normally I prefer to buy books made of paper, but there’s a nifty feature with the kindle that it’s got a dictionary I bought in it and I’m learning foreign languages.

Hallo hello im in waiting room H at the hospital, on the X-Ray something rather, to scan my head in one of them machines which looks like a solarium.

I’ve watched a little too much dr. House to be chill about the thing, but I’m sure it’ll all be OK, as long as I haven’t for some reason something metallic in there, in the brain or so, in which case I’m gonna die.

---

So yeah I didn’t die, the machine looked like a soviet version of the one from dr. House and made silly noises like in a B sci fi movie, so it was hard for me to take it seriously but I’m anyhow still alive and that is worth celebrating!!

ok, I’ll start like this: ❤️.

Then let’s see…

In the treasure trove of memories, let’s see what I can find.

Once many a year ago, it must’ve been during fall, but that’s not right because it was winter outside and so therefore it must’ve actually been during winter.

During winter, we were in Tallinn; one of my absolute favourite places to travel to, a medieval city centre and great stuff like they’ve got a torture museum and a medieval restaurant in which I celebrated my 30s birthday. And they are famous for knitwear and amber (I think).

I knew an Estonian guy once, we were in type of special school, which I won’t specify more precisely here as it is out of scope, so anyhow a special school with this guy: we weren’t very close. He loved Yngwie Malmsteen and played the guitar. I absentmindedly started to fiddle with the turning knobs on there as he was playing. The keys or whatever they’re called. I didn’t mean nothing by it, was just letting my mind wander and he happened to be sitting next to me with the guitar and then I did that. Same as when I crumbled that toy airplane when I was a child; my mind was elsewhere. Then he punched me.

Anyhow so we were in Tallinn on our way to the harbour and there a guy just pulled his pants down and shat in the middle of the street!!

Isn’t that something?

There’s a very thin layer of snow coating the land outside, softening the colours and making everything glitter in the moonlight.

🕳️

My fingertips are cold, my knees are too.

It’s easier to live today, the horrid feeling has evaporated.

It’ll soon be back but I’ve heard it told that one should live in the present.

The good thing about feeling bad is that I experience the lack of bad feelings as a very good thing. Invigorating, precisely why also it’s good to go a few years without smell; if ever I catch a whiff no matter of what, it’s a welcome one.

Okay take care!!