The happy place

Hello hello ! Last time I was down here in the big city last winter I was reading the Border Triology by Cormac McCartney and had just finished the first one and was in the middle of part two, the one with the wild wolf. I forgot that book in my hotel room somewhere in the midst of all of the hullabaloo at work and that struck me hard because my daughter has made me bookmarks; I’ve gotten two bookmarks from her and they are my favourite possessions and I want to be buried with them or something cause they are my dearest treasures. One is made of wood and leather and is shaped like a heart, the other one is a drawn picture of me and that was the one I forgot and it made me very sad. It’s such a cute beautiful picture of me and my turkeys.

But now after six months it’s still here!! I asked them at the hotel to put it aside if they should find it and now when checking in yesterday they handed me the book and the bookmark was still in there!!

That made my day yesterday and today and tomorrow too, I think. I’ll only use that one for books on my bedside shelf from now on.

To get to know how it’ll go for that wolf is just the icing on the cake.

Tomorrow is my last day and there will be cake with or without icing.

Last time I went to the office, early this spring, the morning after those last offs, I was sat at the exact same spot I’m in now, eating croissants off the hotel breakfast buffet in exactly the same way I did then, only today I feel more composed, but just as hungover.

It’s a small and cozy type of hotel for what seems to be a little bit more interesting than average people with jeans jackets, gray hair, notepads and some bohemian look with wrinkles and moustaches. I think they probably have esoteric interests and maybe are jazz musicians and/or screen writers, but I’m not sure.

At work people have quit left and right since the first round of lay offs, though some of them I met yesterday who were fired haven’t found no new job yet even though it’s been six months or so.

It’s not such a nice vibe to the office right now. Only the HR and the product people are desperately trying to infuse it with some working spirit and positivity; it’s you know sort of like they running one of those high voltage heart starters on a corpse.

I’m working my last day tomorrow. Told them to buy lots of cake but I’ll tell them to get apple pie instead I love apple pie, I only like cake. But I will take whatever I’m offered.

Right one more funny thing: last round of lay offs, we were told that we weren't a family like they told us before (and then he went on to describe in great detail to us the difference between family and business like we a bunch of morons), now instead people are instructed to celebrate and give themselves high fives that they “made the cut”. (No more re alignments) Furthermore: they are now a family again.

A family of what? Wankers?

Not exactly sure how to pass the time now: don’t want to be the first one at the office because I’m not 100% I remember my alarm code still, but maybe I shall go for a stroll in the fine late summer sun.

Maybe another cup of coffee first.

Tonight after work I’m going to meet an old friend from when I was a terminal worker with a forklift licence. She’s a spearhead within the subject of gender studies I think.

I’m on the train travelling close to the speed of sound, or 1100 km/h slower actually but it’s really fast nonetheless; the forests out the windows are smudged green though that’s probably because I’m not wearing my glasses right now.

I’m feeling this: I’m such a gifted artist and I’m such a promising writer, yet here I sit, navigating the constraints of jira. I love programming yet can’t remember last time I did any meaningful code changes, except that performance thing in Kotlin with the coroutines which I think about from time to time. That was months ago!

I ought to dedicate some time each week to further my artistic passions. Cause it feels meaningful to me; something like a meaningful way to express myself and also that I myself am often very happy with the results even though the chances of getting any renown are slim that is of little consequence, because I do these things for me. They have meaning to me and are therefore worthwhile endeavours.

I think it’s a mistake to believe that you have to get a bunch of income from your passions in order to be successful. I think that’s just bollocks! Not only that: it’s a ticket to misery and disappointment even though you might succeed.

Especially if you succeed.

I think the whole concept of what is successful needs some serious re work!! Who are successful nowadays? A bunch of cold arrogant ruthless selfish mean twats!! Who elbow their way to the top, maybe they are talented, maybe they’ve got talented people working for them, maybe they got silver spoons in each orifice!!

To me they are no role models at all. It’s the people showing kindness, who are lending a helping hand, who speaks up and who seeks no glory, only does what’s right for that very reason who are my role models!!

Ok

I’m eating ice cream on a Monday! Who’s gonna tell me not to?

l am mysterious!

Soon I will do something about my bad posture and walk tall, but I keep hitting my head on account of my formidable body length; I don’t fly often because my legs are not of optimal length for flying, but rather I have to fold myself like some origami bird and even then I spill over onto neighbouring seats for which someone else has paid.

And same in the car; many cars feel to me like go carts or something, as I drive them with my knees folded outwards like a monkey.

The slouch of mine is a remnant of my past, when I wanted to shrink to nothing.

I don’t like driving or flying, but I like going by train, which I’ll do tomorrow.

Gentlemen always prefer to take the train when possible. when not; the steam boat.

I’ve been talking to my friend who is a gentleman just like me, been suggesting he should have a cane with a gilded wolf head for the pommel, and hidden inside: a sword.

We used to have that when I was a child, a cane with a hidden sword in it and I always thought that was both clever and practical and appropriate attire for a gentleman of certain station.

There was something important which I wanted to write just now, but instead my mind started wandering so I wrote a bunch of crap. I forgot what I wanted to write.

I’ll try again tomorrow. Maybe from the train.

Ok watching house of the dragon does put my own problems into perspective. I’m not gelded or eaten by crabs and/or starving like the smallfolk of King’s landing. Also I’m not in sickbed burned from head to toe in pain and disfigured. Or killed on a whim.

Some people in the real world suffer similar fates as those, but anyway the point is that the sadness you get is packaged just for you, big or small or whatever.

And those Song of ice and fire books I really enjoyed reading them and that vampire book also: Fevre Dream. Steam boats and vampires! Anyhow, at this rate GRRM should hand over finishing A Song of Ice and Fire to Brandon Sanderson! I think he made a fine job with wheel of time, but maybe there’s too much grit in them for his taste. Too explicit. What do I know of such things? Thinking about it, Sanderson should write that third book of Rothfuss’. Doors of stone or whatever it’s called, because by now I’ve forgotten all about Kvothe but anyway. Anyhow finished or not, I’m very glad for all of those books because I had a great time reading them.

I’ll maybe read the house of the dragon books, if only so I can get upset in retrospect in case they’d changed anything in the TV series.

Hehe.

ok work week looming. fact it’s my last one so I shall appear in person to hand over my equipment. Could’ve mailed it but I want to see some people and have some beers. Other people I want to see only to remind myself I’ll never have to see them again or hear them moaning about lack of detail in the Jira tickets.

So long!!

Hey look I’ve not done anything out of the ordinary, just keeping it real and doing some carpentry, tending to the herbs and chicken. There are two lesbian turkeys, I think, who share nesting box even though there are many free ones, they both lay there brooding on a single egg, nibbling on each other’s throat feathers, shunning the wooings of carrot the turkey tom.

They have a darker side as we’ve seen one dead hatchling before, and upon trying to have one of them adopt the two new cute chickens, she promptly attacked them and was therefore deemed unfit as a parent. There is reason to believe they did the same to the hatchling I just mentioned, only that was unsupervised with none to de escalate the situation.

So now the chickens are orphans living in a big box until they grow strong enough to be integrated to the flock.

There are also progress to report in WoW: we’re in Westfall now, slaying smugglers and trappers, collecting their bandanas?? And it got me wondering why someone would want to create a human character, isn’t it enough to be a human?

I would like to be an Elf.

One more thing: the Voodo album by King Diamond: it’s really good. Every single track is really excellent and each one tells the story of the dwellers of the LOA House and their tragic fate, as they live near a Voodo cemetery. I am mentioning this because I keep listening to it on repeat from start to finish and I can name few other albums which are 5/5 straight through.

Thinking about some different stuff like I’ve been very absent minded lately not really paying attention to what I do, sawing stuff the wrong way, not listening at meetings and so on. Think there are lots of stuff going on in my life, at work etc, which is still somewhat unclear and I’ll just need some time to digest.

I’ll go down to the office one final time next week to meet my friends, some for the last time (probably), and turn in the laptop and that’s not one minute too soon I reckon.

There was a third wave of “realignments“ this week. It is tough to see some of your friends lose financial safety, but humans are resilient creatures generally, so maybe in a year or two it’ll all be good for most of them. I hope.

I Had a friend. He lost his job last time there was a recession, must’ve been fifteen years ago, and I think he succumbed to the alcohol, but that was many years ago.

That’s the thing, not knowing which is the final straw before it all tips over. It think that if too many shitty things coincide, that that’s enough to send someone into the abyss. Some of them never come back, and if they do, they are never the same again: they might become stronger, but never without paying the terrible toll.

I feeling not OK .

But it’s just a low key sadness which has sunken its claws in me lately and I will persevere. I need the yang to feel the yin.

Probably I ought to take a run.

Happy Friday everyone!!

I’ve been playing some WoW Classic. My new monitor arrived to my door today. it’s got some RGB LED things going on on its backside, which is great cause I love blinking RGB light it’s festive.

I’m drinking Fanta.

Yesterday I watched falling down because I got reminded of that one when grocery shopping the other day, buying coffee, getting worked up about the coffee packages shrinking; suddenly they are all 10% smaller though yet they cost 20% more, also when not grocery shopping; in an email in which they call lay offs “realignmet”, usw. Anyhow, to be made redundant like that in all aspects of life like D-Fens (Michael Douglas) in that movie is a terrible thing, I think: that nobody needs you no more is just awful. Anyhow: really a great movie 1000% top notch and eerily relatable.

Anyhow the surprise RGB lights behind the monitor previously mentioned made me happy in a similar way that my Amorphis (the Finnish metal band) hoodie did when I discovered that the print on it’s front glows in the dark.

Now the zipper of that one is broken. Nevertheless the memory created in my brain that day remains in there still. Like a jewel. I got that jewel reference from one of the Daggerspell books by Katherine Kerr (don’t remember which one as there are 16 or more) I think those books are great and the writing is excellent and the Deverry world is a wonderful to visit when travelling in the imagination (by reading).

Speaking of which: My wife and child are in France right now, leaving me with all the animals and I don’t like being alone so I play WoW with my friend and also there’s the dog. I love my dog.

Today I wanted to watch Donnie Darko but couldn’t find it so instead I’m watching Lost in Translation except I’m not really looking cause I’m writing this.

But

Feels rather OK today.

There are many negative thoughts up in my head now with all the stuff going on but suddenly from my playlist came that J LO album: Brave. It fills me to the brim with the will to muddle through and straighten my back up and push through with the stone face and grit !!!😤

Such a great album that is, brings back memories from Barrens from about fifteen years ago back when I was a blue nosed raptor riding restoration shaman troll and this album was released. Those were simpler times.

Think this album is such a great one; about first of all not judging other people (specifically Jennifer Lopez herself) (mile in these shoes), and besides from that it’s a very strong love album, think it might’ve been when she was still together with Marc Anthony, still high on those love hormones.

It’s just also a great proof that you don’t have to have a very good singing voice to produce a masterpiece album. Surely that’s inspiring.

Anyhow my big monitor broke yesterday, just like that. As if I didn’t have enough shit to deal with, so I went to nearby Radio electronic store and bought me a 17” with HDMI plug, which was actually pretty good cause like I said I tried WoW Classic with my friend yesterday, as alliance 🤨. A night elf druid I killed a bunch of spiders and it wasn’t very fun, but it felt appropriate to have such a small screen cause that’s such an old game.

We’ll play again this evening I hope.

Enjoying the weather outside alot the temperature doesn’t feel anything. 18°c is the Optimum temperature.

Listening to Rammstein because it it’s semi angry music which fits my mood perfectly. The lewd lyrics a don’t feel quite right, however, considering them being in some sex scandal I’m not too familiar with. Fleischgewehr is still a funny word to use.

I did mow the lawn and ah, yes, there was another round of layoffs during my vacation, don’t think there’ll be anyone left except the Indians hired to replace us. They seem like nice enough people. It just is all fucked up.

I sure don’t regret my decision to leave even though it was a tough call to make.

It wasn’t tough at all.

I’m the one who’s tough, sitting in the optimum weather listening to Rammstein singing about „Blitzkrieg mit dem Fleischgewehr“.