The happy place

Yesterday when I was out in the blackness of the night, the sky was very cloudy and so it looked like a sort of blanket over the stars which weren’t visible, but they gave a silvery golden glow to the dark clouds. It looked ominous but yet at the same time not bleak

It looked more like a gothic horror sky than a cyberpunk like sky with the TV set on a dead channel. (That with the TV is from the opening in Neuromancer, Chiba City Blues or something. It’s one of the best openings I’ve read.)

Nonetheless, there was in the middle of there, in the sky, a little square shaped window in the clouds and through that opening shone the full moon. I saw the full shape of the full moon through there. Just for ~ five minutes.

If that isn’t a sign from above, a signal to keep struggling or whatever, then I don’t know what is!!?

Ambivalence .

My life is a fruit salad of sorts. There’s kiwi and pineapple, apple and banana, right?

A lot.

Now I just need to get the onions out of there, as they are ruining it, obviously..

There are two pieces right now which I’ll need to carefully extract.

The first one is all of my managers like I told about some days ago.

The second, most pungent one is a bit tricky as it involves my sister.

One can argue that one should not let such things affect, and just eat the salad, as it’s nutritious and all of that.

That may very well be true, but I’ve got my sense of smell back and it amplifies the pungency of the taste.

The taste of bullshit.

Here is the thing: my friend has come visiting.

I got one of the VR head set from him because he got the new one. With the new one he can become batman.

My wife says you shouldn’t put it on because meta the company behind Facebook will scan your brain and that’s true, I think. I did it anyway. I used the VR headset to check my Facebook, because it came preinstalled and I’ve not checked there in ages. There were pictures of children and 🧦 sock deals etc. so same as I remembered it. And then there was a police game in which you shot people and were supposed to do it to the beat of the music and dodge. I played for five minutes yesterday and today my legs ache.

I used to be a fitness man with legs like steel springs but now they look like a normal person’s legs and I am thinking I ought to do something about that. Maybe play that police game every day? Maybe, we will see. I am used to rest my formidable torso on two pillars like timbre and it’s a dissonance between how I feel and what I look like 💀 that ought to be corrected. I miss going to fitness dance classes.

Anyhow

We’ve been driving my friend’s monster truck, like a type of car the Brits used to win WWII with, the defender or challenger or something; a massive steel beast which looks like you’re supposed to fit two bazookas to the roof of, to go buying some cool stuff in the big city. He’s got an interest in Warhammer 40k which has a rich lore that does seem fascinating. I met a guy once. Must’ve been fifteen years ago. He had a beard and glasses, long hair, an Amon Amarth T-Shirt, who said that Warhammer 40k was his primary interest. I remember it crystal clear. A strong memory.

Anyhow.

so my friend is playing space marines. He paint them yellow which is the same colour as that of his heart. Or similar: the Gold.

Now we are watching Christmas program on the TV they are making dick cheese(!) for Christmas and I’m sceptical.

What else is there? I’ve been doing some carpentry and have built a kitchen island for when my sister in law will hopefully come visiting this summer, then we can make pizzas again but this time there’ll be plenty of room for that.

The fishing rods I bought for them is still in my mum’s barn.

The love of my dog is big, although she is so small. I bury my face in her warm fur when I am sad and it helps.

I cannot describe accurately how much she means to me.

My little dog.

We are getting another dog after Christmas. A puppy named Bjorn.

It’s a food for thought that you could love two dogs (we will see), that when you divide your love in two, it doubles. (profound)

My mum hit her head on a spa of all places a few days or weeks back, which is ironic because she spends all her free time climbing scaffolds, driving ATV:s, using the chainsaw or the tiger saw, and basically any type of saw or power tool, just fixing things like a tornado (which is not a very good metaphor because tornadoes tend to destroy things whereas my mum fixes them). I find it some food for thought that it is while relaxing on a spa she gets the injury. (!!)

She’s fine now.

All is fine.

I think.

Most things are probably fine.

Today the moon was big and shone with gold tinted silver and it was a full moon. I saw it with my own eyes.

It was s big.

I’m having the best life and yet there’s something which isn’t quite right inside. Like a small stone in the shoe. Like I’ve been running my own company for years but now instead I’m employed like a regular person.

I used to be my own boss, answering only to God and the tax agency, but now I’ve got managers everywhere. Everywhere I turn there’s a manager wondering why I didn’t attend that monthly meeting, why do I never go? Or another reminding me to fill in the time sheet. Yet another asking me to fill in this other time sheet. It seems I’m in a room full of people, and they are all my managers.

Don’t know if I’ve ever been this managed before. That’s what’s been nagging me at the back of my head lately.

It’s still a bit of shit, the economy. There are many unemployed individuals. My friends. Some of them have huge mortgages and shit. It’s a bleakness of the world.

If WWIII doesn’t start next year, and the economy takes a turn for the better, then I shall once more venture into this world like my own boss.

There was a cozy night by the fire last week with the magical sky and the stars and the deep snow and the deep forest everywhere in all directions: dark deep forest full of mgical creatures.

We were spending some time with some friends drinking glögg and feeding the fire while looking at the mesmerizing embers and the mesmerizing fire burning right outside a type of lean-to. Close by the fire we sat. Warning the feet and smelling the burnt firewood

I was at peace then. Serene. It was a fine memory I will store it in the treasure trove.

I've got my sense of smell back, I am complete.

I'm a rich man

I was out with the dog again just now. One of the cats was out too. She joins us for the walks, and can be glimpsed in the corner of the eye as she jumps and runs in the ditches or whatever on either side of the road.

The moon was out today. 45% moon glowing interestingly behind a veil of gray clouds. Everything is very wintry and like I point out: it’s glittering everywhere. I know of nothing more beautiful than that scene outside.

I’m gonna get a camera so that I can capture how it’s really like out there. The one on the mobile doesn’t do it justice.

When I wake up. In reality I ought to be thankful that I’m not dead, and I am. I am. Just takes a while to realise. It takes a while and a few jugs of coffee.

I think that I drink way more coffee than most. I generally don’t do things in moderation.

But my engine is getting older and this massive beast of a body of mine is like that of Frankenstein’s monster’s; I need that big jolt to come alive and then some time of lethargy after that to boot all of the facilities.

I have been busy playing factorio this weekend. It’s very addictive. Got overrun after 20h and I’d just started producing plastics. Was picturing all off the exciting things to do with all of the cement I’d been creating, and then I got overrun.

I’m not a morning person. It feels terrible. I like and embrace the light from the moon and the stars and the dark blue evening hue of the sky but I’m not a night person either because after 22:00 I’m ready to sleep. So an evening person.

I love to sleep and yet death terrifies me.

Ja z I’m walking the dog now no no it’s the other way around. She needs a shit which has to be done properly following a long ceremony in which finding the perfect spot is crucial. The cat is distracting her by sneaking around nearby. It’s dark and cold and I see the stars but no moon. The snow is glittering on the ground and the frost on the trees does too.

There’s a scent of fire smoke in the crisp air. It’s from the fire in the fireplace inside.

I feel the smell of the chicken coup and it’s pleasant in there because it’s recently cleaned. They were already roosting because they sleep a lot during winter. They are beautiful. The turkeys and chicken and they all have strong and distinct personalities.

I’m not so tired these mornings, could be due to a cortisone treatment I’m on now.

I am happy

Hey have you heard Fergie? She used to be a Black Eyed Pea together with, one of my coworkers when I was working in the postal service called him; “White Left John”. He’d burned some CD:s with “White Left John”, My coworker; He was an audiophile who also liked “Telefon Tel Aviv” and he must’ve been twice my age so late 40s or early 50s at the time. He had glasses and a rich gray/white beard. Generally sans the glasses he had a wildling type of look, y