The happy place

Yesterday when I was out in the blackness of the night, the sky was very cloudy and so it looked like a sort of blanket over the stars which weren’t visible, but they gave a silvery golden glow to the dark clouds. It looked ominous but yet at the same time not bleak

It looked more like a gothic horror sky than a cyberpunk like sky with the TV set on a dead channel. (That with the TV is from the opening in Neuromancer, Chiba City Blues or something. It’s one of the best openings I’ve read.)

Nonetheless, there was in the middle of there, in the sky, a little square shaped window in the clouds and through that opening shone the full moon. I saw the full shape of the full moon through there. Just for ~ five minutes.

If that isn’t a sign from above, a signal to keep struggling or whatever, then I don’t know what is!!?

Ambivalence .

My life is a fruit salad of sorts. There’s kiwi and pineapple, apple and banana, right?

A lot.

Now I just need to get the onions out of there, as they are ruining it, obviously..

There are two pieces right now which I’ll need to carefully extract.

The first one is all of my managers like I told about some days ago.

The second, most pungent one is a bit tricky as it involves my sister.

One can argue that one should not let such things affect, and just eat the salad, as it’s nutritious and all of that.

That may very well be true, but I’ve got my sense of smell back and it amplifies the pungency of the taste.

The taste of bullshit.

Here is the thing: my friend has come visiting.

I got one of the VR head set from him because he got the new one. With the new one he can become batman.

My wife says you shouldn’t put it on because meta the company behind Facebook will scan your brain and that’s true, I think. I did it anyway. I used the VR headset to check my Facebook, because it came preinstalled and I’ve not checked there in ages. There were pictures of children and 🧦 sock deals etc. so same as I remembered it. And then there was a police game in which you shot people and were supposed to do it to the beat of the music and dodge. I played for five minutes yesterday and today my legs ache.

I used to be a fitness man with legs like steel springs but now they look like a normal person’s legs and I am thinking I ought to do something about that. Maybe play that police game every day? Maybe, we will see. I am used to rest my formidable torso on two pillars like timbre and it’s a dissonance between how I feel and what I look like 💀 that ought to be corrected. I miss going to fitness dance classes.

Anyhow

We’ve been driving my friend’s monster truck, like a type of car the Brits used to win WWII with, the defender or challenger or something; a massive steel beast which looks like you’re supposed to fit two bazookas to the roof of, to go buying some cool stuff in the big city. He’s got an interest in Warhammer 40k which has a rich lore that does seem fascinating. I met a guy once. Must’ve been fifteen years ago. He had a beard and glasses, long hair, an Amon Amarth T-Shirt, who said that Warhammer 40k was his primary interest. I remember it crystal clear. A strong memory.

Anyhow.

so my friend is playing space marines. He paint them yellow which is the same colour as that of his heart. Or similar: the Gold.

Now we are watching Christmas program on the TV they are making dick cheese(!) for Christmas and I’m sceptical.

What else is there? I’ve been doing some carpentry and have built a kitchen island for when my sister in law will hopefully come visiting this summer, then we can make pizzas again but this time there’ll be plenty of room for that.

The fishing rods I bought for them is still in my mum’s barn.

The love of my dog is big, although she is so small. I bury my face in her warm fur when I am sad and it helps.

I cannot describe accurately how much she means to me.

My little dog.

We are getting another dog after Christmas. A puppy named Bjorn.

It’s a food for thought that you could love two dogs (we will see), that when you divide your love in two, it doubles. (profound)

My mum hit her head on a spa of all places a few days or weeks back, which is ironic because she spends all her free time climbing scaffolds, driving ATV:s, using the chainsaw or the tiger saw, and basically any type of saw or power tool, just fixing things like a tornado (which is not a very good metaphor because tornadoes tend to destroy things whereas my mum fixes them). I find it some food for thought that it is while relaxing on a spa she gets the injury. (!!)

She’s fine now.

All is fine.

I think.

Most things are probably fine.

Today the moon was big and shone with gold tinted silver and it was a full moon. I saw it with my own eyes.

It was s big.

I’m having the best life and yet there’s something which isn’t quite right inside. Like a small stone in the shoe. Like I’ve been running my own company for years but now instead I’m employed like a regular person.

I used to be my own boss, answering only to God and the tax agency, but now I’ve got managers everywhere. Everywhere I turn there’s a manager wondering why I didn’t attend that monthly meeting, why do I never go? Or another reminding me to fill in the time sheet. Yet another asking me to fill in this other time sheet. It seems I’m in a room full of people, and they are all my managers.

Don’t know if I’ve ever been this managed before. That’s what’s been nagging me at the back of my head lately.

It’s still a bit of shit, the economy. There are many unemployed individuals. My friends. Some of them have huge mortgages and shit. It’s a bleakness of the world.

If WWIII doesn’t start next year, and the economy takes a turn for the better, then I shall once more venture into this world like my own boss.

There was a cozy night by the fire last week with the magical sky and the stars and the deep snow and the deep forest everywhere in all directions: dark deep forest full of mgical creatures.

We were spending some time with some friends drinking glögg and feeding the fire while looking at the mesmerizing embers and the mesmerizing fire burning right outside a type of lean-to. Close by the fire we sat. Warning the feet and smelling the burnt firewood

I was at peace then. Serene. It was a fine memory I will store it in the treasure trove.

I've got my sense of smell back, I am complete.

I'm a rich man

I was out with the dog again just now. One of the cats was out too. She joins us for the walks, and can be glimpsed in the corner of the eye as she jumps and runs in the ditches or whatever on either side of the road.

The moon was out today. 45% moon glowing interestingly behind a veil of gray clouds. Everything is very wintry and like I point out: it’s glittering everywhere. I know of nothing more beautiful than that scene outside.

I’m gonna get a camera so that I can capture how it’s really like out there. The one on the mobile doesn’t do it justice.

When I wake up. In reality I ought to be thankful that I’m not dead, and I am. I am. Just takes a while to realise. It takes a while and a few jugs of coffee.

I think that I drink way more coffee than most. I generally don’t do things in moderation.

But my engine is getting older and this massive beast of a body of mine is like that of Frankenstein’s monster’s; I need that big jolt to come alive and then some time of lethargy after that to boot all of the facilities.

I have been busy playing factorio this weekend. It’s very addictive. Got overrun after 20h and I’d just started producing plastics. Was picturing all off the exciting things to do with all of the cement I’d been creating, and then I got overrun.

I’m not a morning person. It feels terrible. I like and embrace the light from the moon and the stars and the dark blue evening hue of the sky but I’m not a night person either because after 22:00 I’m ready to sleep. So an evening person.

I love to sleep and yet death terrifies me.

Ja z I’m walking the dog now no no it’s the other way around. She needs a shit which has to be done properly following a long ceremony in which finding the perfect spot is crucial. The cat is distracting her by sneaking around nearby. It’s dark and cold and I see the stars but no moon. The snow is glittering on the ground and the frost on the trees does too.

There’s a scent of fire smoke in the crisp air. It’s from the fire in the fireplace inside.

I feel the smell of the chicken coup and it’s pleasant in there because it’s recently cleaned. They were already roosting because they sleep a lot during winter. They are beautiful. The turkeys and chicken and they all have strong and distinct personalities.

I’m not so tired these mornings, could be due to a cortisone treatment I’m on now.

I am happy

Hey have you heard Fergie? She used to be a Black Eyed Pea together with, one of my coworkers when I was working in the postal service called him; “White Left John”. He’d burned some CD:s with “White Left John”, My coworker; He was an audiophile who also liked “Telefon Tel Aviv” and he must’ve been twice my age so late 40s or early 50s at the time. He had glasses and a rich gray/white beard. Generally sans the glasses he had a wildling type of look, you know from Game of Thrones. An interesting person for sure. A good one. Had one of them big cases for CD:s: black one with pages and a zipper, size of a telephone catalog. You know?

Anyhow, so Fergie: I used to have this “A Little Party Never Killed Nobody” track as a ring tone for the on call alarm signal. The default one still increases my pulse when I hear it, the big dread comes for a brief visit. That’s unhealthy. So as a counter measure I had this very strong positive track in there, so instead of a feeling of unease, a more of a fighting spirit type of feeling wakes me up. Also, it’s got a double negative in the title and generally one is to interpret a double negative in such a context as if it were only a single negative, yet there’s still the ambiguity which I think is very effect full, because people do die from partying.

Very interesting. Also what’s interesting is I don’t know if I like the track or if I hate it.

I know the answer at least is yes.

Ok that just some thoughts which came so I write ✍️ it down for this is my legacy.

I’ve been intellectually constipated these past weeks, for all my struggles, not much has come of it, just a type of pain, but it’s will be different now since the projectile is out and the thoughts that were imprisoned now explode in every direction, so to speak, just like diarrhoea. That’s a metaphor. I find metaphors to be very powerful tools as they can paint a precise and colourful picture which conveys exactly or close enough that which I seek to describe.

The darkness (also metaphorical) I’ve felt and what I’ve been alluding to, which have been clouding my vision of late, I’ve done some soul searching, and it’s been my avoidance to acknowledge or pay heed to my own negative emotions. Always having had the feeling that my problems or pain, such as they are, are mere trifles, and that in reality since I’m so well off and successful and accomplished and privileged and blessed and all that, that it’s wrong for me in general to complain when the world is so full of misery and war and the Black Death.

That’s why I was so captured by the Count of Monte Christo sentiment that “there is no happiness or misery in this world, just the comparison of one state to another” or something along those lines; That it’s our own experiences by which we gauge the happiness or sorrow that we feel, and nothing else. That’s really something. It’s not only that the low points in life serve with the yin yang as an inverse to the high ones, which gets bigger by comparison, it’s also that this whole frame of reference is very personal.

Like there was this episode of Bachelor where they had a group date, the bachelor told a darkness from his past, he had ADHD and had a miserable school time, then they took turns opening up: one girl had an abusive violent ex, the second she had been suicidal, and the third who was a model used to have ADHD and a bad Acne. All of them were scarred by their pasts and it’s pointless to compare them with each other, because it wasn’t a competition or anything. The point was to be vulnerable together or some dumb shit like that. For the viewers. Anyhow

Anyhow

What’s been bothering me is that my sister which I used to love just doesn’t care about me. It’s been bothering me that I’ve gifted her stuff and bought her trips to Tallinn, even painted masterpiece paintings and been really making an effort to stay in touch, and she couldn’t even be bothered to let me know that she wasn’t interested in maintaining our relationship, not even when I asked. It bothers me that it took me several years of fruitless effort before I realised what is blatantly obvious, and it bothers me most of all that I haven’t moved past it yet, when It’s just a trifle.

But now that I’ve said it I shall move on (at some point). I don’t have to quantify the love that I felt or the importance that my sister has had in my life to justify my sadness.

That was the perl of wisdom in my shit which solved my intellectual constipation. Like a laxative.

That sadness does not have to be justified, just acknowledged.

hey I’ve been tired all week, and it’s only Monday. Tired and it’s been dark, the mind battery didn’t charge properly last night, maybe I’ve got a new disease, because when I woke up it was still on red. The battery.

Frankly speaking it did feel terrible

Anyhow

I’m pretty concerned about antibiotics, that it’s an arms race between the bacteria and different mixes of different antibiotics, don’t know how that works, but we’re very fucked without potent antibiotics, this I know, and that some industrial farms just pump the animals full with the stuff, just to be on the safe side, just because they have such miserable lives, the animals in there, and are stuffed in them farms like sardines. it’s pretty disgusting the whole thing, just for cheap meat. The misery.

anyhow that’s so very upsetting, but I’m pretty happy all things considered.

though I find myself more cynical with age, like I am concerned I might turn into vinegar and not a fancy wine.

I’m allergic to wine

Great great

Hmmmm

Here is my brain: there’s a bridge. A bridge made of marble or something fancy like.

I sit there with my fishing rod, or other type of similar equipment, in the middle on a blanket, feet dangling, and I dredge down there for treasure, in the deep under the bridge.

I picture a big bright yellow sun shining down with vitamin D.

Usually there’s a crystal clear stream down there: Even though it’s very deep (obviosly), stilll one can see the glimmer at the bottom in some places. The gold and diamond shine of treasure and suchlike. Also beautiful fishes swimming everywhere: there are the salmons and pike (but no tropical fish), oysters and shrimps, and they are even more beautiful to behold and even more glimmering than the gold and the diamonds. Some places have always been dark and there I don’t fish. Never have, never will. Frankly don’t think I can.

But alas, lately there’s been a flood of sewer water down there, obstructing the view where I sit, a pungent smell of excrement rises to my nose and makes my eyes water. I fish and fish but only shit comes up, and dead contaminated sewer rats.

The thing is, thing is indeed, that I am not quite capable at describing that which I see in my net. I am not sure. The shit.

I guess what to do is dredge that and sift through and then see what is what, and also there could be a perl in there. I am pretty sure that there is a perl of wisdom somewhere amoung all of that shit.