Okay this Monday felt insurmountable, felt like the day was ten days long and my brain was wrung out like a dog breath smelling old wrung out rag, and the thought of retirement being so far away felt absurd, but then I became (thanks to my strong psyche) like a steam powered iron golem with a dog breath brain who just chugged along in a very impressive way and then I had lunch.
Sometimes I fantasise about working with something which is actually meaningful (to me), like a job where I could help people with meaningful stuff to which I do not count build pipelines or anything with kubernetes or worse yet terraform. Maybe a teacher helping young children find their footing and see their worth.
But I hated school. Still gives me bad vibes. š¬š¬š¬
I should maybe hibernate in a bunker for four years and think things through.
The rest of the week so far really did feel a lot better and now I am in a very good mood.
since Iām regaining my sense of smell, it seems, Iām feeling less inclined to let my little dog lick my face because her breath smells like garbage.
Furthermore, and for similar reasons, Iāve changed out of green fleece sweater which Iāve been wearing so long because itās such a soft and nice one into another fleece sweater which is also green but not as thick.
So you see there are big changes in my life right now.
I dreamt that we were at a restaurant and they were serving dessert. It was something with whipped cream and also ice cream and I was cheating on my wife so was going to call my mistress on my mobile phone, but it had turned into a spray bottle. One of those colourful orange/purple blank pretty big like 500ml spray bottles with a proper handle with room for at least three fingers, one one would typically find in a bathroom and use to clean stuff with. I was unable to find the display, I was expecting one of the green old Nokia displays but couldnāt find it nor any sign on the surface of the bottle/phone that hinted that it might be hidden inside. (Same with the buttons).
My mistress (in the dream) didnāt show up, her dessert was melting and everybody (there were a lot of people there just to see me) had a terrible time (this is a fact in the dream, not just projections), and it was all my fault.
at daycare when I was seven or thereabouts, I took a toy airplane with thin styrofoam wings and I broke them into pieces just because I wanted to feel them snap and crumble in my hands.
The childminder lady who was the mother of the child who owned that airplane didnāt like that. She got angry.
I donāt like being yelled at.
It couldnāt explain myself.
Once when I was at school at art school and I was a vegetarian, a weird girl who I used to be friends with who lived with her weirdly old father far away in the middle of nowhere, she spat on my food. It was pancakes. For class she once drew a big picture of an angel and a devil coupling ādoggy styleā (erotic), she wore dr. Martens and we were friends until we werenāt and she spat on my pancakes.
I shall try to remember more about this and for example what lead up to the incident with the spittle pancakes.
The older I get, the less I understand of the world around me. Every day I become more uncertain of what to believe.
Gonna read some books and go for a jog even though right now itās not very appealing, wet and cold as it is outside, the sun hidden behind a blanket of gray clouds.
But thatās usually what it takes to jolt me out of my dark musings.
Iāve set everything everywhere to German because Iām gonna learn that for sure now and itās fun.
Why learn a new language? Because why not? Why not try to learn stuff? Should I just sit by the TV all day waiting for death, watching a bunch of morons trying to get funding for their idiotic start up ideas? Peddling shit to poor people? Like some 20s something with pistachio coloured pullovers and trust fund dads could sell subscriptions to life goals for a monthly fee? The gall ! And they want funding for that? Get out of here!
I will now spread my (bat) wings and go for a run because Iām getting worked up.
About the food yesterday. I just realised that I had a dream which could possibly be related: I dreamt that the bathroom scale said my weight was 140kg, then full of dread I went again to double check, this time it was 160kg.
Was out for a family dinner yesterday. Everything was either very deep fried and/or very sweet and thus tasted of diabetes and death.
It was the nauseating taste of danger.
Speaking of which, Iām nearly vegetarian. Iāve gone full circle: I am back to when I was a young handsome vegetarian with piercings, except Iām no longer young and I have no piercings.
But I am handsome in a wabi sabi way which is how I prefer it. My nose is bent slightly sideways.
Speaking of which, Iām going to the doctorās tomorrow to figure out why I can breathe through only one nostril.
Most days, she goes to roost already before six, keeping her head tucked in under her beautiful little wing up on one of the special shelves. When I go in to the coup to tend to them, (you know; check the water and food, count them usw,), for an instant she groggily wakes up and opens her eyes to slits, we make eye contact and when I move my head from side to side, she does too, mirroring me. We do this a couple of times back and forth and feel the special connection that we have and our mutual understanding.
My mind has been barren lately. Iāve not been able to write anything here.
To be fair, I could never excel the previous two posts, and to be fair, I havenāt done many much interesting things lately? Have I? I had a dream which started funnily in a very nice way which unfortunately I canāt remember, what I do remember is I got transformed into a Nazi, whereupon all of the coziness evaporated to leave a big uneasiness which stuck with me through to the waking world: eerie. What does that mean? ChatGPT suggests that it might symbolise a conflict between the good and the evil in oneās life and that sounds plausible (Or A fear of losing control, which is less plausible because Iāve not got much of that to lose).
To be fair, I have also been tired lately: not only is it the wolf moon which have depleted my resources, in fact it was four times the regular size the other night, and itās been dark.