Weāre alive and thatās whatās most important. The most important thing.
There are waves of emotions.
I feel sorry for all of those who get voted out first from Bachelor, like they didnāt even get one single rose in there. Thatās a type of sadness humans can grasp, which isnāt always the case with war and such. Itās too absurd. And Black Death. Itās like how we can know 30k for a park bench is expensive however some people pay millions for dysfunctional IT systems. Some rich folks earn billions. Some
Itās a world of a scope which is too big to grasp for most people , I think. For me it is so atleast I know (barely) of myself only, and therefore I canāt speak for others though I know too that Iām not so special or original; therefore others have been feeling this and thinking this for thousand years or more. Perhaps.
Also therefore itās sometimes hard to justify feeling sad sometimes I think cause thereās always some poor fucker whoās worse off. Almost.
Still these past weeks have been and are heavy to bear. Like the old old life is falling to pieces I have yet to mend and it will look differently after this it will be wabi sabi.
The most interesting also highlights the complex nature of poultry. Not only do they do all of their business through the same hole, like, but they have an inner darkness: most people know that chicken can be real bullies with their pecking order but also they do more twisted stuff than that: they are (some are) cannibals who will not hesitate to kill an injured kinshen for example, to eat her, and they do sometimes get some psychosis and will kill their own hatchlings (like I have written about earlier, the angel makers). Furthermore: some roosters are also some sort of BDSM freaks whose lovemaking is unsettling to watch.
Iām thinking about all of this because our neighbours told a gruesome tale about some of their imported exotic chicken breed, donāt remember which one, but they had some serious anger issues and assulted the others, ruthlessly pecking on their heads rendering their brains exposed and so the newcomers were therefore promptly decapitated and that was that.
Iām thinking all this because at the same time they are gentle and sweet creatures who are lovely companions with distinct personalities and quirks.
Itās the duality of the thing, you know? The yin yang of nature.
The brutal reality of life is seldom black or white or rather it is more precisely both.
Hello fellow human firewalls.
Iāve been having the writers block which is remarkable because typically Iād just write whatever I happen to be thinking about and then save and publish with little thought on the quality. But sometimes I get the mental constipation and enter into a phase where I just kill time you know, do a bunch of pointless stuff and the days pass and itās already Sunday evening and thereās a Monday coming up which Iām not super excited about. In this state of mind I donāt even read. I canāt focus I think, I think itās the case that Iām unable or avoiding to do things which require mental effort.
Itās like I canāt force myself over the thresholds even though they may be low.
I was blasting Ava Max in the speakers of the BMW as I was going to buy some groceries. Thereās a sudden mood change in me today;, I have been feeling great and have been singing The Motto by well by Ava Max. āItās the Motto hmhmhmhm [ā¦] won the lottoā something like that I donāt really hear what she singing but I do LOVE the lyrics for Sweet but psycho: (it goes something like this): yes sheās sweeet but a psycho a little bit psyycho; at night sheās screaming lām mamama out my mind.
Thatās pretty psycho. Also there are other bits of lyrics I love itās the ādid you ever feel like a misfit something something dark and twisted.
Yes all of this feels to me very relatable. Furthermore the take away for me is that under a sweet surface there can be something dark and twisted.
Donāt judge someone cause you havenāt walked in their YSL:s (like J LO).
Iāll return the BMW on Monday cause the lease is up I am entering a new chapter of my life and I will do it listening to Ava Max.
Iāll go jogging now I think. I think thereās gonna be swans flying in the sky again I have a feeling that it might be so.
Itās sunny. Itās warm, like 9 c plus. Thereās dirty snow and wet ground where the shadows are more prominent and I havenāt seen a single cloud; itās just baby blue in the sky, right?
Iām jogging slowly because Iām a little bit fat. I see some stuff (during the jog):
Thereāve been two geese or more likely swans flying overhead twice!!
I thought I saw a Siamese twin but it was just my imagination; when I got closer he had only one head unfortunately, but stillā¦
Thatās some of the noteworthy occurrences during my ~10km run.
Now we have only twelve chickens and suchlike, the thirteenth buried adead in the compost.
The dream: The dream I dreamt last night that an alcoholic spilled beer on me but I didnāt mind too much I said he could probably get it refilled for free. In that dream I dreamt too that I had the hoodie with the hood on and a baseball cap, like, and the hair I had cut it unevenly with a dog fur trimmer (the one I use for my beard). And although it looked like shit it also looked good; the long hair is the only feature which makes me special (itās thinning). Even so I felt elated in the dream like I was entering into a new chapter.
All of these signs: the dream, the swans and no longer having 13 chickens I count as good omens.
The composted hen still haunts me when I open the compost lid; I hear the sound of the hinges creaking but in my mindās ear I hear her cackling and I envision her being buried alive in there but she is dead. Buried adead.
I have her as my background picture in the phone. Her cute face.
I think about my sister and it makes me angry. She makes me angry. She is a fiasco.
Iām thinking about the future and I must say that itās looking pretty good, depending of course on how far into future one looks. And also depending on on what aspect of that future too. Also itās hard to avoid the harsh truth that death is in the futures. All of them. š
Iām leaning more to the left now, politically. Itās hard to lean otherwise when you are emphatic, not impossible, but hard. I think.
I believe in reincarnation or at least in the afterlife because I feel so old right now that itās like several hundred years old. How else do you explain that? Itās an old soul.
Life is a miracle and my black little dog is turning brown/gray and has a brighter tone right around his eyes. He looks like a muppet now or something. He is warm and soft.
As I was opening it, I heard the creaking of the hinges of the compost lid. I built the thing before I knew how to do carpentry, and now it serves as a testament to all of the progress I made throughout these years of building stuff. As I did hear the creak I thought it was from the hen buried in there and it spooked me but it was just a creaky lid and unprocessed grief.
The moon shone brightly last night straight into the bedroom and it looked as if the lamp was on but it was the moon shining down on us from up there and that is significant.
A full moon shining like a 40w (old) light bulb with a cool light and the dead hen haunting me.
And then thereās the dogs. The smallest one just chews on my clothes and bites me on my nose and he does shit on the floor and pee on the carpet and he will bark when I am eating and try to steal my food and he sometimes humps my arm. When he shits sometimes it looks like ice cream being served from a soft ice machine. He is half the size of a small cat and I love him.
So thereās been a lot of stuff going on and therefore Iāve not been writing so much lately
even though today the moon is big like really big and has a warm glow like an orange mixed with a regular cold moon and it looked big like the sun or bigger, but that is an illusion only as itās merely closer to the earth. Itās brightening the sky and radiates a type of Lupine energy I wouldnāt want to be out in the forest right now.
It must be really close. The moon. I could reach it if I had really long arms.
Even so Iāve been having a barren mind. Iāve not been feeling down lately or anything. just a kind of void up in the head so no new blasts of inspiration have struck me and Iāve had no profound ideas or dreams which I remember.
Donāt know if itās because of the hamster wheel or daily grind or something. Not sure.
Havenāt done anything meaningful either. Been playing hearthstone battlegrounds and am stuck around 6500 rating. Thatās a pretty pointless pastime but fun even so.
I had a nightmare again last night. Itās often something with Pennywise the clown from the 1990 version of IT, which I did watch in my youth. I still remember one time (mightāve even written about it) in another dream like when he came out of one of those Norwegian fish gratins, the type you put in the micro wave oven; the mashed potatoes and the sause and fish and all that became Pennywiseās grotesque clown face and I woke up. This time I donāt remember anything specific unfortunately, just that I had a nightmare with Pennywise in it again.
Itās a damn feeling the waking up in the middle of the night, too scared to move and too scared to go back to sleep. Mmm
speaking of which, there is one type of food which I find very sad. Itās the whole grain spaghetti: you take something good and remove all which makes you happy about it except the shape, and make it into something I wouldāve enjoyed if I were a horse.
I think life is tough enough already in a world like this.