I was blasting Ava Max in the speakers of the BMW as I was going to buy some groceries. There’s a sudden mood change in me today;, I have been feeling great and have been singing The Motto by well by Ava Max. “It’s the Motto hmhmhmhm […] won the lotto” something like that I don’t really hear what she singing but I do LOVE the lyrics for Sweet but psycho: (it goes something like this): yes she’s sweeet but a psycho a little bit psyycho; at night she’s screaming l’m mamama out my mind.
That’s pretty psycho. Also there are other bits of lyrics I love it’s the “did you ever feel like a misfit something something dark and twisted.
Yes all of this feels to me very relatable. Furthermore the take away for me is that under a sweet surface there can be something dark and twisted.
Don’t judge someone cause you haven’t walked in their YSL:s (like J LO).
I’ll return the BMW on Monday cause the lease is up I am entering a new chapter of my life and I will do it listening to Ava Max.
I’ll go jogging now I think. I think there’s gonna be swans flying in the sky again I have a feeling that it might be so.
It’s sunny. It’s warm, like 9 c plus. There’s dirty snow and wet ground where the shadows are more prominent and I haven’t seen a single cloud; it’s just baby blue in the sky, right?
I’m jogging slowly because I’m a little bit fat. I see some stuff (during the jog):
There’ve been two geese or more likely swans flying overhead twice!!
I thought I saw a Siamese twin but it was just my imagination; when I got closer he had only one head unfortunately, but still…
That’s some of the noteworthy occurrences during my ~10km run.
Now we have only twelve chickens and suchlike, the thirteenth buried adead in the compost.
The dream: The dream I dreamt last night that an alcoholic spilled beer on me but I didn’t mind too much I said he could probably get it refilled for free. In that dream I dreamt too that I had the hoodie with the hood on and a baseball cap, like, and the hair I had cut it unevenly with a dog fur trimmer (the one I use for my beard). And although it looked like shit it also looked good; the long hair is the only feature which makes me special (it’s thinning). Even so I felt elated in the dream like I was entering into a new chapter.
All of these signs: the dream, the swans and no longer having 13 chickens I count as good omens.
The composted hen still haunts me when I open the compost lid; I hear the sound of the hinges creaking but in my mind’s ear I hear her cackling and I envision her being buried alive in there but she is dead. Buried adead.
I have her as my background picture in the phone. Her cute face.
I think about my sister and it makes me angry. She makes me angry. She is a fiasco.
I’m thinking about the future and I must say that it’s looking pretty good, depending of course on how far into future one looks. And also depending on on what aspect of that future too. Also it’s hard to avoid the harsh truth that death is in the futures. All of them. 😐
I’m leaning more to the left now, politically. It’s hard to lean otherwise when you are emphatic, not impossible, but hard. I think.
I believe in reincarnation or at least in the afterlife because I feel so old right now that it’s like several hundred years old. How else do you explain that? It’s an old soul.
Life is a miracle and my black little dog is turning brown/gray and has a brighter tone right around his eyes. He looks like a muppet now or something. He is warm and soft.
As I was opening it, I heard the creaking of the hinges of the compost lid. I built the thing before I knew how to do carpentry, and now it serves as a testament to all of the progress I made throughout these years of building stuff. As I did hear the creak I thought it was from the hen buried in there and it spooked me but it was just a creaky lid and unprocessed grief.
The moon shone brightly last night straight into the bedroom and it looked as if the lamp was on but it was the moon shining down on us from up there and that is significant.
A full moon shining like a 40w (old) light bulb with a cool light and the dead hen haunting me.
And then there’s the dogs. The smallest one just chews on my clothes and bites me on my nose and he does shit on the floor and pee on the carpet and he will bark when I am eating and try to steal my food and he sometimes humps my arm. When he shits sometimes it looks like ice cream being served from a soft ice machine. He is half the size of a small cat and I love him.
So there’s been a lot of stuff going on and therefore I’ve not been writing so much lately
even though today the moon is big like really big and has a warm glow like an orange mixed with a regular cold moon and it looked big like the sun or bigger, but that is an illusion only as it’s merely closer to the earth. It’s brightening the sky and radiates a type of Lupine energy I wouldn’t want to be out in the forest right now.
It must be really close. The moon. I could reach it if I had really long arms.
Even so I’ve been having a barren mind. I’ve not been feeling down lately or anything. just a kind of void up in the head so no new blasts of inspiration have struck me and I’ve had no profound ideas or dreams which I remember.
Don’t know if it’s because of the hamster wheel or daily grind or something. Not sure.
Haven’t done anything meaningful either. Been playing hearthstone battlegrounds and am stuck around 6500 rating. That’s a pretty pointless pastime but fun even so.
I had a nightmare again last night. It’s often something with Pennywise the clown from the 1990 version of IT, which I did watch in my youth. I still remember one time (might’ve even written about it) in another dream like when he came out of one of those Norwegian fish gratins, the type you put in the micro wave oven; the mashed potatoes and the sause and fish and all that became Pennywise’s grotesque clown face and I woke up. This time I don’t remember anything specific unfortunately, just that I had a nightmare with Pennywise in it again.
It’s a damn feeling the waking up in the middle of the night, too scared to move and too scared to go back to sleep. Mmm
speaking of which, there is one type of food which I find very sad. It’s the whole grain spaghetti: you take something good and remove all which makes you happy about it except the shape, and make it into something I would’ve enjoyed if I were a horse.
I think life is tough enough already in a world like this.
I’ve been stomach sick it wasn’t (only) the black bile then, but the yellow one too. In either case, I believe the medieval doctor might’ve recommended bloodletting.
But now it’s all good.
I’m having this week off to spend time with the family.
The hen:
The hen was so beautiful: the feathers were of a gray like tone which in sort of like a gradient to a beige like yellow. Just incredibly beautiful. Her wonderful little cute chicken face, though, was her greatest aspect I think. She had dark eyes which looked old and tired, a beautiful pink comb and a beak which was gray at the base and yellow at the tip which gave her a really stern expression.
Hens do have the resting bitch face which makes them look awesome.
She was old and slow, first one to roost, didn’t lay no eggs and had a mild and gentle temperament. She always included the new chickens and hatchlings in her daily activities. At one point she and a few young turkeys had formed their own clique and went about their business in the sun. Mostly that includes laying in the sun or looking for food or sand bathing and stuff like that.
There’s another little hen it’s the feisty one with a very big personality and a white beak. Her last night the gray one rested her little head on her white friend (Chickaleta) and I knew something was up.
And when she died she weight nothing, like a balloon with feathers on it, but I used to feel her warmth and the beating of her heart but now she is cold and the heart doesn’t beat no more.
She’s buried in the compost heap.
That’s the obituary.
Today my favourite hen died of age.
It’s been a dark time and today I was freezing even though I piled firewood on there in the fire place and sat right in front of it. and even though I ate a lot I felt like there was a hole in me I could not fill. And even though the sun shone today on me I was inside freezing. And even though it wasn’t so cold I was freezing inside.
It’s the humours having yet another imbalance. too much of the black bile. That’s the scientific explanation.
Or the moon batteries are depleted
but I’ll push through, for I am an iron golem and a fitness robot.
Hey isn’t it strange that they expect you to do and carry out code tests like homework? when looking for the IT job? I’ve done a variety, like there was this one day they had this Ubuntu machine and I had to figure out what was wrong with it.
It’s the same always when interviewing for Linux sys adm jobs, the task is always without exception to figure out why the disk is full even though it shouldn’t and it’s always either a) there are no inodes left (df -i), or b) a (big) file has been deleted, but the file handle is open cause there’s a process running which is using it still (lsof). Either they’ll want you to recover the file thru /proc/$pid/fd or else typically kill the process and thus free the space it used. Or c) the 5% (or whatever) root user allocation, which I dont remember off the top of my head how to fix. Theres a tune2fs flag or some shit like that.
Also sometimes a complimentary quiz about esoteric commands which you never actually encounter normally or at least I haven’t, like to do chattr -i if a root cannot remove a file, to remove the immutable property, or something.
for dev work its more like an IQ test soduko sudoku mind puzzle that you do on a screen and all around you are some smug looking hipster type guys who look at the screen with a bored expressions on their faces and make you self conscious because indeed they are judging you and watching you type and spiral into a type of soft lockup. Or they just want to see you JOIN two tables which also is hard under those circumstances.
If there are homeworks for dev work, its the knapsack problem or something.
I’ve never done a homework during school and it is fucked up to be doing it now as an adult so by default I would always typically decline such jobs, but alas the times have changed and you cannot feed your family on principles and pride.
This reminds me of a poster I found in an old punk LP which was like a big black white newspaper and which had this text on it: “don’t eat your soul to fill your belly” and I’m thinking about it now that it’s such a snarky remark. Even though I thought it was cool when I was young.