The happy place

firstly

I my BFF was visiting me this week; he just bought an old beat down Volvo s70 which was found in a barn; he just fixed it and drove north for seven hours to see me — that’s the type of person he is.

The colour somehow stuck in my brain because I can’t really classify it even though he says it’s maroon, but I think in such case a very plum coloured maroon. It’s just gorgeous I think, maybe the car looks like a candy or something …

When I was a kid I used to picture travelling into space and to find a new colour which nobody seen before there, on a planet without atmosphere, like on a moon I would find this new unimaginable colour

that’s what it looks like, maybe

Inside it’s beige, like a picture from one of those cassette futurism communities or something

There was something very compelling about the car.

When I open the passenger seat door, it makes the same noises I do when rising to get out.

Anyway these small sounds I think are fanfares in a way, because even though it’s not easy, the doors open and knees bend and stand straight and I stand erect and nobody said it would be easy

We took a trip with this car, called I think Betsy, to buy me a miter saw and a table saw, and I ran over a nail with the new blade

Then I sawed into some aluminium

And it was disproportionally saddening to dull such a nice new saw blade the first thing I did.

And to know that this is a type of mistake I am unlikely to learn from

I didn’t see it.

we built a pergola before celebrating in it

With some friends and neighbours

Having some friends over

Normally I would’ve invited my mother, but this year is not normal, so I didn’t

And I felt bad about not inviting her

I think people in my biological family might have been leaning on me because I always was very trustworthy and caregiving but I can’t do that no more

I think that I didn’t mean as much to them as they did to me

I think that I had made in my mind idealistic images of them which I held onto very strongly even when there was no supporting facts, but rather the contrary

I think that I did that to have something to hold on to

But now I don’t need that

I see things now as an adult

I think I was selling myself short

And it’s a terrible realisation, what does that say about me?

And what does that say about them?

Anyway

My neighbour had an interesting anecdote; they were once on a school trip to some or other old house where there was a lampshade made of human skin

And anyway I love building stuff