So I went to sleep; I slept the whole day and it didn’t go away, so I slept the whole night too

Woke up next day at 08:00 feeling tired, really exhausted, isn’t that odd? Must’ve slept 16 hours? Or more? But, there was no headache

I really appreciate the absence of headache

And the sun shining down on me from up above through the foliage on this walkway where I walk facing the breeze

Walk with feet planted broadly like some sort of cowboy

Or sheriff

this world makes absolutely no sense to me.

The older I get, the less I know

Or how I see mother sitting on a miniature ATV connected backhoe, how that makes her look like a toddler operating a sandbox excavator in my mind’s eye.

And that that’s always the way it’s been, but I see it now through the foliage through my new round prism glasses, which are strong.

My current quest of introspection is figuring out why I didn’t see this before, blatant though it is.

I fear I might not like the answer

It’s an awesome track,

The lyrics crack me up every time.

It’s about being oppressed by the system, and especially the police

About getting “fucked by the long dick of the law”,

And then somewhat disproportionately

Wouldn't even give me a public defender  For such a small case, not paying on the trains  Still they wanted four thousand kronors, from my bank account  I thought that was a too big amount  But the judge didn't had no sympathy on me

I love it

Sometimes, as you are driving, a loud bang or a scraping noise comes from somewhere in the car, maybe from underneath? Like say you ran over a pothole or maybe not even that …

But no warning lights flash, so it’s probably nothing, right?

It’s that exact feeling from somewhere inside my body, an ancient feeling maybe

And so therefore following the taco buffet where I sat inside sweating I now feel several hundred years old

But yet I keep going.

What is the option?

1:

They are painting the windows, even the one with a rotted frame

It too will get a coat of white paint

It will look just like new

Even though you could break pieces off it with your fingers

Still

It looks just like new

Some families are like this window,

You couldn’t guess which ones

2:

I found a matching yellow sock today in my backpack I use for training clothes

His husband were on top of the bedroom drawer with dust on it

It’s been there for months

But now the couple is reunited inside of the drawer to join the circle of life of a pair of socks

I felt this to be a good omen

Because

Without my wife I too am like this dust covered sock

Ok so one nugget of wisdom and one

Good omen

The blinds are shut and windows closed, but yet light and sound is spilling into this apartment.

Last week there was a school concert where my nephew performed on his loop station, it was awesome.

On another act where some students dressed in white shirts were performing Jesus He Knows me, in the silence right before they were gonna start, from the row in front of me came a fart sound from a young woman who started laughing and her boyfriend (presumably) started laughing too and then he was playfully head banging to the music and they were holding hands, giggling

And their playfulness filled me with joy because they really seemed to be in love and having a great time

And it reminded me of that scene from the new spider man movie where spider man is unmasked in a train car but somehow the little folks stick up for him and protect him

And it got me thinking about all of these beautiful things people do

Their displays of kindness

And so thinking, I feel too that I got the power to muddle through this life

A life I do not understand

We each die countless little deaths on our way to the last. We die out of shame as humiliation. We perish from despair. And, of course, we die for love.

I have been trying to describe the mess in my head by likening it to a room with bedbugs in the antique furniture, which is covered by stacks of important papers.

From somewhere there is a stench, maybe a cat pissed on some carpet or something, but it’s impossible to deduce the source exactly among the clutter

And every type I enter this room I am unable even to remember what errand brought me there, so I go instead to fill my coffee cup,

Then outside into the summer sun where dandelions are growing in the newly mowed lawns.

The past year of my life has been a mental tornado

And I am sure now I have died another one of these little deaths from the quote above

And I am certain that I will come out of this experience a different person

And I fear I might not like him as much

Indian food

And there is a wind making the leaves rustle pleasantly, but I’m not paying any attention to this really

And the sky is blue with clouds like the windows xp desktop wallpaper

And the money I earn is slipping through my fingers

And the time, it’s slipping through my fingers

But I caught a whiff of garlic just now, which is cool because most days I smell nothing

Thank God they made me so strong

I get these patches which might be gray or colourful, even some with flowers on there, but there’s so much missing, I feel like

It’s going to have to be a quilt, then

That’s the best I can do, unfortunately

I remember one Walpurgis fire, or say Beltane (for I am a heathen), and I was eating hot dogs by the giant fire and it’d just started to darken and I might have been with my friend but then suddenly some neighbour’s kid (technically also a neighbour of course) threw a firecracker or shot a rocket which exploded near me. I heard it ringing in my right ear, and I started crying because I got a shock and I walked home with the ringing in my ear and I think back now that I feel sorry for myself then

For the child I was.

And I thought that that was a breakthrough in a sense, because thinking back on who I was then always used to fill me with contempt.

Now that I think on it, I haven’t got any pictures of myself from this time either…