We carry our fear inside,

A space that holds the darkness,

We stretch our skin around,

To cover the Abyss

And I didn’t know I had this much mojo anymore, I couldn’t believe it when running the route, because my whole body felt rusted, every movement was provoking a resigned protest from this body I’m in

It’s not the one I would’ve chosen, but it is mine

And the sun did me some good, like an exorcism with this running around getting nowhere, it’s supposed to feel this way

But the curse has lifted

And with this sun shining down on me, I enter into the week end

It’s always nice to come home. I felt disoriented when I woke up this morning in the apartment. A disappointment settling inside as I learned where I was.

I think mornings can be harsh, because there’s always a brief moment when you have a clean slate, and as the state is loaded back into the brain, the disappointments and failures briefly forgotten, are reexperienced.

Of course there are good things loaded with the context too, like waking up for the first time next to someone you love etc

Life itself is indeed like a müsli, but sometimes there’s shit in it.

There were nettles and I was running at the edge of the maize field, between the taller maize and the forest. There I could’ve disappeared, but I didn’t

I Emerged instead on the road and finally made it back home to my family including the cats

And yes of course I am thankful

I never pictured I would have any of this

There’s no place on earth I’d rather be and no life I’d rather live either

I didn’t picture anything, to be fair, but still

having all I got fills me with gratitude

And my neutral facial expression: a smile.

A stark contrast to this aforementioned sky

And there I saw a rainbow.

It all looked like in a smurf village.

Next time I looked out a few minutes later, through that same window,

The rain fell heavily, and everything was gray again

Then the smurfs were suddenly gone

Rode off, no doubt, on big green toads

There’s lots of them, I see them every night

Toads, not smurfs

But there are no crickets here.

A pretty powerful world indeed

That’s how life often is; one moment everything is fine, then when you least expect it: misery strikes from the least probable angle

Then tears well up inside, of course; sometimes the feelings of betrayal are bigger than what can fit inside a single human being, I think.

But hey, what’s the alternative? You have to participate in this so called life even though you’re several ways of doomed from the start.

(We all know how this will end, even though it’s generally not something we enjoy talking about)

Just hope to have enough grit to get back up on your feet, get up get up get up,

Limp forwards, upwards

Reach for the light!!!!

But it’s not wrong to be angry and sad, because it’s not fair

It’s not fair .

I have been conferencing today, breathing stale air. There’s a glimpse of what I may have been ended up doing if I’d taken another fork in the road, presales, project planning. I’m glad of this day, and glad I’m more of a technical expert, lurking in the shadows

Of course my head hurts from this bright exposure

It was nice

Of course it was

And yet as I entered into the heavy rain outside I felt refreshed and invigorated

I love the rain

I want to feel something, you know?

In this train in this rain I’m listening to the Waterboys “Red Army blues”; a cautionary tale about a WWII soldier defeating the Germans and being rewarded for his efforts with a single ticket to Gulag

And I’m thinking that it could be worse,

But that’s always the case, unless you’re the guy in the song,

Prepared to give his life to Soviet Russia, having it betray him, now all he has left is the brute will to survive.

Ironic

Now it’s more of a gothic song in my ears it’s very cool to Seelenschmerz

Glaubst du noch an meine Lügen?

Do you still believe in my lies?

Heavy stuff

I love this life!

that night with thunder and the bright flashes of lightning, simultaneously rattling and filling the whole living room with white light, he just lie atop the yellow sofa perfectly at peace

And he’s afraid of flies ever since he got stung once by a bee, looking over his shoulder while eating nervously

Now he gets up in the middle of the night, howling in falsetto at the moon

Because just like me, he’s three dimensional

As I entered the pizzeria to pick up a kebab roll I ordered for my daughter on the phone I heard a strong Australian accent.

It’s not a common sight with foreigners in these areas at all, it’s for sure the first one I seen in this town this year.

Well anyway that’s just me trying to describe this rural area

So he sat there, in one of two chairs opposite the pizza station; a corpulent man in his forties maybe with a bald head and a FBI female breast inspector T-Shirt.

When he saw me enter, he looked me up and down and said I looked cool.

this is how I looked:

Very tall and handsome with long blonde hair like Yngwie Malmsteen, black sunglasses, green fjällräven jacket, green shirt, black combat shorts — which my wife says are swimming trunks, but as they don’t have genitalia net inside, I don’t think they are. Besides, why would swimming shorts have this many pockets, it doesn’t make sense — and the green paint specked crocs.

I say thanks man, I really try

But it’s not true

This is my effortless look

That’s something to be thankful for, I think.

Anyway because this fella and his friend waiting outside both seemed to be on some or other drug, I cleverly redirected his attention to the banana pizza nr 13 and he really blew a gasket

Meanwhile, I left

Took the Volvo home.

Another more of the same, just like last time,

Except now I am older

So a spiral, then

One of the greatest song texts I ever seen or heard sung I think is ”Oh my Lord” by Nick cave

The ladders of life that we scale merrily Move mysteriously around So that when you think you’re climbing up, man In fact you’re climbing down

And I’m thinking about what a friend said that sometimes it’s very rewarding to do the wrong thing

Yes yes sticking the head in the sand

It’s a very bad thing to do, you know?

Turning a blind eye and then Evil is sneaking round the corner, of course.

I think bravery is the most importance trait, together with kindness of course

And I am thinking (using my own brain) that it’s sometimes hard even knowing what is the right thing to do, I never used to have any doubts about that before.

First knowing what is the right thing to do, and then doing the closest approximation of that in this life

It’s not a ferret wheel, not a ferris wheel either: It has a beginning and an end like a spiral

Or a serpentine

Xx

Today I was feeling great inside

Everything seems to be going fine,

These feelings of sunshine and happiness are welcome

🤗